8.30.2012

I got the job!....


Oh yes girl!  Oh yes I did!  I am super excited! So excited that I feel like booty poppin' all over the place over here!  I'm sure Paul Anderson would love that!  The kids might have some questions, but he would love it! lmao

You know, I was just fed up with those long-ass days.  I was over it.  And seeing that I'm on salary, I was really just working myself to the bone for nothing.  So, this new job really does sound pretty great.  No weekends, evenings, holidays or on-call hours.  I can't remember the last time I had a holiday off!  No more horrible wear and tear on my vehicle! No more charting until the wee hours of the morning.  Oh it sounds glorious.  I will have to case manage around 65 patients over the phone and once in a while go see them in their home to assess their home environment, but I don't do any hands-on nursing care.  AND?  I got another raise!  I just had my yearly eval a few weeks ago and got one, so I figured I would stay the same.  But when the human resources recruiter got to calculating my years of experience as a nurse, she said that according to her tables, with the experience I am bringing to this position, I should be making more, so I will be getting another three percent raise.  Yay God!  I'll take it!  This sounds like a win-win situation.  The only thing is that I will have to start wearing actual clothes now vs. scrubs.  And after being on that blasted Prednisone for so long, what actually fits me anymore is limited. So, I may have to invest in a wardrobe. (Poor me.... *diabolically rubbing my hands together)  Wish I had girlfriends out here to go shopping with!  Some of y'all need to move out here or something!  And shoes!  I have nothing cute since I broke my ankle and can't really wear heels anymore.  I have a few flats that are starting to look busted and then I have flip flops that I live in.  I have no good looking shoes whatsoever.  Nothing presentable.  I want to wear heels again so bad.  Pretty heels.  Oh well, we'll start with the small stuff. 
I have a great job starting soon! :)  I'm so happy and excited!  Now I just have to survive the last few weeks of this one.


lurve you, xoxo v.

8.29.2012

Reminder.....

It's only half-over people!
Come on!
There's still potential.
Let's regroup,
let's go back to our breathing.
Let's recenter.
Did you make a resolution that went by the wayside?
Dat's okay.
Go pick it up and resume that shit. 
program's in progress.  
No harm, no foul girl.
Just jump back in line
It's all good.
Let's do this.
2012 PEOPLE!
LET'S NOT FUCK IT UP!!!

lurve you, xoxo v.

Attempting to journal....


Okay, so I have this obsession with journals.  Seriously, like I love them and always buy them.  All kinds of them, doesn't matter.  Cheap, expensive, tiny, big, thick, thin.  Doesn't matter.  And I always have the best intentions for these journals.  I always swear that THIS will be the journal that will snap me out of my phobia of writing in them and make me all better.  But no.  Never does.  In the pile they go.  And they sit and collect dust like the others.  Above is a pile of six of them that I picked from just one shelf in my bedroom.  I probably have oh, at least 30 to 50 all together if I looked through all of my drawers, boxes, shelves, etc. Over the years, I've given some up to the kids  and whatnot, but mainly, I just hang on to them.  Knowing eventually that I want to start writing in them.

What's the problem, you ask?  Well, that all stems back to the evil one.  Many years ago, in a marriage far-far away, I used to write some things down.  Problems that we were having.  Truth of what was happening in our lives.  My dreams for getting out and away.  True things of what he would say to me and do to me.  Real dreams for my future.  No matter where I would hide them, he would inevitably find them and I would inevitably beat me bloody for all of the "lies (truth)" that was written and beat me because I had the nerve to dream about a life without him... that must mean I'm a no good whore, which deserved another beating.  And what if someone ELSE would have found these things instead of HIM?  That would have gotten him in so much trouble because they would have read my nonsense so that would be a betrayal of loyalty which deserved another beating.  I quickly learned that in this life it is simply not safe to write things down.  You do not write things down.  Not if you want to remain safe.  Never write them down.   And even though I've come so far since then, I'm still a bit haunted by that part.  I can type until my fingers fall off.  And I can buy journal after journal,.... but they all stay completely empty inside because I can't bring myself to write a word inside of any of them. I pick them up and run my hands of them and hold them.  But I'm at a loss as to what to write in them.  So they just sit empty.


So recently at the bookstore (while looking at more journals, ironically enough!),
 I came  across this blue journal pictured below and found it kind of interesting.
You only have to write a sentence or two every day and that's it.
Well, I could probably do that.
That takes a lot of pressure off!
And it has a spot for the same date for five years in a row.
That's kind of neat.
Maybe if I can work on just writing a line or two for a while,
this may go a while to cure me a bit.
I may actually get some use out of these journals!
So, I'm quite excited about this endeavor and we'll see how it goes.
Wish me luck!


lurve you, xoxo v.

8.28.2012

She knows me so well....






lurve you, xoxo v.

Isn't it pretty?

My phone didn't catch the best photo,
but these were the prettiest colors
when I was cooking dinner,
I just had to take a picture! lol
I know, silly.
But I had to share!

lurve you, xoxo v.

8.24.2012

My "Mommy Song"....


"Home"
by
Phil Phillips

The other day while driving in the car, this song started playing on my ipod.  After a few seconds, I heard a sniffling sound coming from the passenger's seat and I looked over to see my Maddie B.'s face squinted up into a tearful pucker.  I giggled and asked her what was wrong and she said, "This is my "Mommy Song" and it always makes me cry!

This took me by surprise and made me giggle again.

She continued, "This summer, every time I heard this song, all I could think of was you and how this song is so you.  Especially everything we went through, and when we moved all the way out here and you were trying to give us a new life.  It could be so scary, and we didn't know where we were going or anything, but you always took care of us and tried to make everything good for us.  You always made sure that no matter where we were, that it looked like our home and felt like our home, and that we always knew where we were going and that we were always taken care of and comfortable.  This is just my "Mommy Song" and it makes me cry."

With that, I started crying too.  I had no idea she felt that way.  That blessed my heart.  She gets it.  Those are the things I was always going for.  Those were the things that I killed myself to do for my kids.  That's why I tried to get my house unpacked in a few days instead of a few months, to keep up the traditions, etc. All those unspoken things, all those moments I tortured myself about wondering if I did the right thing moving them out here on my own and then trying my best to make them as comfortable as possible so that it would be as easy on them as possible.... it wasn't lost on them.  Kids are usually oblivious... but she got it.  She got  it.  And she gave me a whole song (AND  it has a marching band/drum line in it!).  My cup runneth over.

lurve you, xoxo v.

8.20.2012

I was here....


"I Was Here"
by
Beyonce

I really loved this performance by Beyonce and the way
she incorporated the "I was here" pins
over the heads of the workers in the videos.
So powerful.
Hopefully we are all doing something to help others on a daily basis.
Whether it's what we do for a living,
or a random act of kindness
to show that we were here.


lurve you, xoxo v.

8.19.2012

Stuck in my head....

"National Anthem"
by
Lana Del Rey

Still love this hot-ass song & video.
It's very sexy in it's own love song kind of way.
Even one of my kids came home from school today
& asked if I had heard it.
I thin this one has staying power.

lurve you, xoxo v.

8.16.2012

Reflection....


Okay, I know this picture may gross some people out (because it would normally gross me out too.  Hair. Ick.), but I don't care, I'm sharing anyways.  I just walked into the bathroom and saw that I forgot to put my hairbrush away this morning.  Then it occurred to me that I haven't cleaned it out in a while.  A long while.  Like a few months long while.  Then a wave of gratitude swelled over my heart and I had to say thank you to God.  You see, there was a time not so long ago when I had to empty this hairbrush at least twice per week because it was so overflowing with hair that I couldn't use it.  Hair by the gobs in the shower, hair on the floor, hair on my pillow, hair on my shirt, hair hair everywhere.  Now, I'm not losing my hair anymore because I don't have to be on that dreaded medication that makes my hair fall out and makes me feel so miserable.  Thank you Lord.

And it was one year ago last Friday that I was in surgery because I was nearly hemorrhaging.  I can't have babies anymore, but I'm grateful for the four that I have and that I'm now healthy and feeling better.  And in 23 days it will be one year since I broke my ankle.  It was a long, hard recovery but I'm so grateful that there was a way that I could heal without surgery even though it took several months.  And even though my ankle will never be the same (especially when the weather is bad), and I will probably never get to wear cute high heels again, I'm glad that I am just about back to normal and can walk again every day. 

I start my Benlysta again tomorrow.  I have to admit that I have been afraid of it and kind of dreading it.  But God used something as simple as seeing this hairbrush to bring a ton of gratitude to my heart about my basic health and well-being.  I know that I have faced bigger, badder devils than this IV infusion that I have tomorrow.  Hopefully, this will be a piece of cake!

lurve you, xoxo v.

8.12.2012

Oh the times, they have changed....


So a few months ago my neurologist started me on Topomax for my migraines, right?  With promises of no headaches and lots of weight loss to boot!  What's not to love about that?  Just a few pills a day and no changes in my routine?  Uh, pshhhhyyyyaaaaa. Duh.  Bring it on. 

Unfortunately, it hasn't quite worked out that simple.  I still have headaches every day.  Not mind-blowing migraines (sometimes, but not always), but still headaches. And I've only really lost about five pounds.  I think the prednisone is battling this med.  Yesterday the doctor doubled my dose, so we'll see what happens.  But you know what HAS happened??? 

You won't believe it when I tell you.

My two favorite things in the entire world.... Diet Coke and Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon?  Can't eat or drink them.  I know right?  GAH!

Diet Coke?  Hate the stuff.  And not just that, ANY carbonated drink for the most part.  It's like this med has done something to my taste buds and now carbonation kind of tastes like death to me.  I just don't like it.  And the Cheetos?  I eat them, I just don't feel good.  It's that simple.  I know if I eat them I kind of go into a lupus flare of some sort for days, so I have to avoid them.  They're not good for me.  And I used to keep this company in stock, I mean seriously, we need to get this into perspective.  For me to come to this realization and just go cold turkey on this is not just major, but maaaaaajoooorrr.   (I feel like the lady on the commercial who's like "I don't want purple, I want puuurrrrrplleeee, know what I mean?").  So even if this med doesn't end up getting rid of my headaches, it did end up curing two major addictions in my life and probably lowered cholesterol.  So there's that.

But I'm still kind of mourning.  And now I have no idea what to drink.  Because I hate sugary drinks.  And I hate water.  And anything that tastes too much like saccharin.  I'm sunk.  I'm going to die dehydrated.  Help!  Any suggestions?  Right now I'm existing on Gold Peak Diet Tea.  I like it.  It's sweet but not sugary and not too artifically.

lurve you, xoxo v.

Truth....



lurve you, xoxo v.

8.09.2012

Truth....

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
 ― William Gibson
 
lurve you, xoxo v.

Stuck in my head....

"Overwhelmed"
by
Tim McMorris

I was in love with this song from the first moment 
I heard a snippet on the Samuel Adams commercial!
I knew I had to find it and I did.
Now I can't get it out of my head.

It makes me happy.

This song is a snapshot of what my insides look like.
This is what my happily ever after looks like.
lurve you, xoxo v.

8.07.2012

The age of worry....


Therapist says she worries about me when I get quiet.  When all she sees 'round these parts are book reviews, she knows I've gone underground and am only posting safe things.  You know, I just get so frustrated with myself and with life and sometimes feel like I'm doing nothing but spinning my wheels.  I'm told this is a totally normal and human thing, but I'm also my worst enemy and like to think that I should be somehow superhuman or something, and I guess beyond all of this already.  I mean, how many years of introspection and analyzation and therapy and book reading and praying does one have to go through before they start to get some of this stuff right.  See, the problem is that I thought stuff was taking root and I was doing stuff right, but then I found myself in a few situations where, as usual, my behavior was bad.  Not just bad, but stank.   Beyond stank.  Like Bad Girls Club level behavior.  I was beside myself, and unfortunately that was merely the kick-off of what seemed to be like a week-long trial.

The day after the first incident, I was quite upset with myself and the whole situation.  I was in a shame-spiral that hasn't been matched for quite some time.  I could not believe that I acted that way.  Oh I understood why I did what I did.  A few years of frustration of not feeling like I could properly protect my child came bubbling to the surface when face-to-face with the person causing it and out it came.  I went OFF in a most heinous way.  I was screaming, yelling, throwing rocks, acting completely G-H-E-T-T-O.  When it comes to protecting someone I love, I protect FIERCELY.  And it was to that level.  When you think of how ugly, heated and belligerent you think it may have gotten, take it another few notches higher.  Yeah, it was there.

So, anyways, the next day I was praying about it and apologizing to God.  Most of all, I was disappointed and shocked that I could still be made vulnerable to this kind of stuff.  I thought I was so past all of that.  So I asked (with honesty) that if I still had this tendency in me (obviously I do), then let's please just get it done and over with and get it worked out.  Okay, probably wise and what I need, but ouch.  Big mistake.  Not really.  But really.  The next week was MISERABLE!  Be careful what you ask the Lord for because He doesn't mess around.  Seriously!  If it could bring out a reaction in me?  It showed up!  I won't name names or give specifics in all situations, but we dealt with drugs, drinking, car issues, rained-on vacations, not feeling well, tempers, money issues, disowning a child, and even a CAT showing up in our back yard and adopting us and now LIVES IN OUR HOUSE (*sigh* and y'all know how I feel about pets).

Yes, that's how surrendered I was by the end of the week.  At the beginning of the week I was like a bucking wild stallion, mid-week picture me in the backyard at 6:30 in the morning throwing handfuls of gravel and torn-off bits of green pool-noodle over the wall at the neighbors too-loud landscapers (true story.  don't judge me, I'm admitting I was off the hook), and by the end of the week I have a cat living in my house. 

You know what's weird though?  It's like the whole week was an out of body experience.  I mean, trust me, I was definitely in my body.  I was stressed to the gills and felt every rage-filled moment of it.  But that's not me.  That person is not me. I'm normally much more peace, love, kumbayah, lets pray about it, tomorrow will be better.   It's definitely like God was working something out in me and like it was a divinely rage-filled week, if you know what I mean, because it's like as fast as it came and then I asked Him to work it out, then He did, then as soon as I had my fill and learned to control it and submit, the switch flipped and it turned off and things have been fine since.  Like invasion of the body snatchers.  Hopefully I've learned more of a lesson this time.  I know that this is something I will always deal with though.  I will go to my grave being on guard to protect my (and all) children & loved ones.  I will always feel a need to right wrongs and fight injustice.  There will always be a bit of vigilante in me.  I cannot see or hear of someone being bullied or harmed and not have an instinct to rescue.  I have a 6th sense for other people in danger (why do I not have the same sense of putting myself in danger?  I know, I stink at that).  Hopefully I can get better at managing my reaction to those situations.  I'm not the best at that yet.  But every time I think about acting stank, I can hear a permanent reminder of this week's trials meowing at me.

One of the things that has helped me chill out this past week has been John Mayer's new album, Born and Raised.  I LOVE THIS ALBUM.  Okay, lets be clear, I've never met an album of his that I didn't love.  But this album, absolutely fits the bill at this moment.  Bravo John, bravo.  It's not his bluesy norm, it's a very chilled out folksy sound, which is exactly what I need right now.  It's very laid back and has just the right vibe to bring me back to my normal, healthy frame of mind that I need to be in.  It's my mental funk detox music of the moment.  There's only one song on it that I don't really dig and it's that submarine song.  But the rest of them I love and play it on a loop.  The song below didn't start out as one of my favorites, but has become one.  I appreciate the lyrics and they speak to me on a number of levels right now.  Especially these.....

"Don't be scared to walk alone
Don't be scared to like it"
 and
"Give your heart then change your mind
You're allowed to do it
'Cause God knows it's been done to you
And somehow you got through it"



"The Age of Worry"
by
John Mayer


lurve you, xoxo v.

8.06.2012

Inspiration.....

This is a great room.
I love the upholstered headboard,
the colors and the patterns.

But I think what keeps drawing me back to this picture the most,
are the gold pillows on the bed.
They remind me of this crushed gold sofa that my Grandma Hymes used to have.
Except she didn't call it a sofa,
she called it a "davenport." lol
Did anyone else's family do that?

lurve you, xoxo v.

8.02.2012

Stuck in my head....

"Sex Therapy"
by
Robin Thicke




"Shaking it For Daddy"
by
Robbin Thicke, ft. Nicki Minaj

He's so damn sexy,
he makes me ovulate just listening to him!

How is there no population boom since he came on the scene? Dang.

lurve you, xoxo v.

Truth....


The truth that I am clinging to as the Lord is 
faithfully working out old garbage in me.

lurve you, xoxo v.


lurve you, xoxo v.
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