That's how I feel lately. Drained. Numb. Quiet. Afraid to say too much or move too quickly because something may rock the boat even harder. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel more resigned to the probability of it dropping verses waiting for it to drop. Terrified. Sad. Oh so sad. Grieving. Baited breath. On guard.
The upside? Fears that I faced for years and years seem be gone. A kind of peacefulness fills the fear-hole that used to exist. Much of the time I'm grateful that I don't have time or ability to go to therapy because I'm afraid of rocking the peace boat. I'm afraid that if I talk about past issues that it might disrupt this veil that has settled on me and those past issues might start trying to be current issues again. Thoughts of that devil coming to hurt me or mine don't really register on my radar anymore. At least not now. Therapist told me that the panic and terror that I was experiencing would dissipate. She said, "Believe me when I say in six months, maybe even three months, it's going to be okay." I didn't think it was possible, but out of nowhere it happened. I was just okay. When I think about it, a part of me tries to search for the fear. I can't believe it's not there. It has to be there somewhere. But when I can't easily locate it, I stop searching and simply say "thank you". God is good. Amen.
Know what else I know? That He won't give us more than we can handle. Which brings me to the next chapter. I think that perhaps if I had to handle that on top of what I have been brought to next, I just might crack. As I typed that, I could feel my chest grow heavy, my eyes well up, my breath catch. These past few weeks have been full of moments of a grief I never saw coming. It's been hard for me to talk about or put into words. Hard to say the words out loud. So, I avoid phone calls, don't respond to texts, don't update my facebook status, don't tweet, don't blog.
How do you make yourself vulnerable and acknowledge things that you don't want to acknowledge? Especially when you know that some people reading your blog root on a daily basis for your downfall and for bad things to happen to you? Because let me tell you, the first sniff I get that anyone is happy about what is happening in my life right now, I just may come through this computer and cut a bitch. On top of that, how do I respect my daughter's privacy and yet obtain support for myself of have people pray for her? How much privacy does she deserve after the things she has done lately?
You all read a few weeks ago about how out of the blue she ran away one night and the anguish that came with that. Fast forward a few weeks... a few weeks of happy times, smiles, laughs, what seemed like progress... until out of the BLUE, I am awoken at one in the morning to let me know that now she has STOLEN MY CAR.
STOLEN. MY. CAR.
She is 14. And she was driving. Guess where? Yeah to the boys house.
At first, I had thought I was being told, "Someone stole your car!" So I'm dialing the police and they ask which direction it was taken. Brandon says, "She went that way!" and so I repeat that to the police. "He says she went west! It was a female!" He butts in and says, "It was your DAUGHTER! MADDIE took your car!" Well that changes things. *sigh* So the police came. They said that when they found her they had to arrest her. Of course we knew exactly where she was going, so the police and Paul pretty much met her there. By the time Paul showed up, she was already in the back of the squad car in cuffs. She was then taken and booked in with all the hard-ass and gangbanging cholas. Grand theft auto, curfew, trespassing and driving without a license.
Yeah, take a moment to soak that all in. One instant that may have ruined her life.
What I really need to get across though is the surprise of all of this. Because if you spent 5 minutes around her, you would NEVER imagine that she would do anything like that. Imagine the sweetest girl ever... all of a sudden, out of the blue, deciding to get out of bed and steal a car. The next day she just looks at you with a bewildered look and says (I think honestly), "I don't know why I would do something like that. It seemed like it was the right thing to do at the time. Looking back I can see how crazy it is, but at the time it seemed right."
Looking back at the day that she ran away and then this last day, what grieves me and scares me to death is acknowledging what I see. Let me give you a short list of events from her day and see if you see it too. The girl who normally lays around and watches tv all day, who has to be forced to do anything..... was upbeat and giggly all day. She begged to be allowed to go swimming and jump in the pool, even though it was chilly outside and the water is still freezing. She spent about an hour swimming and laughing. Then she grabbed the cleaning supplies and went outside and cleaned out my car (her own idea), then she did all of her laundry AND folded it. Then cleaned the kitchen. She hugged everyone goodnight, even her little sister, told us she loved us then skipped up the stairs. Then she stole a car and went to jail.
Do you see what I see?
I have too much experience looking at this devil to not recognize it.
I think my daughter is bipolar.
That about cracks me in half to say that. I hate that disease so much. How many people that I know and love have to suffer from this? Now my little girl.
I am grieved. I need prayer. Support. Love. So does she.