You are stronger
Standing in the darkened auditorium, eyes closed in worship, I am surrounded by the congregation. It's just another ordinary Saturday evening at church, some have their arms raised in praise, some stand quietly singing. I sing the chorus a bit mindlessly at first... "You are stronger, you are stronger, sin is broken, you have saved me. It is written Christ is risen, Jesus you are Lord of all." The music is usually my favorite part of the service. It has a way of reconnecting me that sometimes words just can't. Music does that for me. All of my life events are connected to songs, it's the internal sound track to my life. Because of that desire for reconnection, the longing to brush off all of the dust of the week, I try to go deeper; try to connect to the lyrics. What is it that I am singing?
As I sing the chorus again, it happens. Out of nowhere, as I slowly sing the words "You are stronger, you are stronger...." Stronger than what? Stronger than sin, death, the Evil One. My breath quickens, my heart pounds and tears begin to flood my eyes. The words "It's coming, it's coming, it's coming" flood my mind on a loop and I believe I had what must have been my first legitimate panic attack of my life. considering everything I've gone through, to make it until now without having one (on a daily basis even) is probably pretty good, but I can now say I've had one. The reality that time is counting down and in just one month.... ONE MONTH.... he will be out of prison and on the streets like a lion seeking whom he may devour overwhelmed me.
So I sang it again, this time clutching onto each and every word and claiming it's truth. "YOU ARE STRONGER. YOU ARE STRONGER...." You. Are. Stronger. You. Are. Stronger.
You are stronger than the possibility of him showing up at my door. Than the possibility of him going to my kids' schools when I am not there to protect them. Than the possibility of him stalking us and approaching us in the grocery store parking lot. Than the possibility of him grabbing my children and running. Than the possibility of him climbing through one of my windows. Than the possibility of him cornering me and confronting me somewhere, anywhere, and hurting me... or worse. Than the possibility that son will hurt him and throw his life away because of a desire for revenge. That my daughter will see him out and about someday and all of the pain she has tried to lock away will flood her and hurt her all over again. You are stronger than all of my fears of things that may or may not ever happen. You are stronger than the damage that has been done that I have struggled for years to overcome. You are stronger. I know that nothing that can or will happen to me will happen without first being filtered through your heart and your hands. Nothing that can or will happen will happen without a very good reason that you feel is necessary. You are stronger and my life is built around the fact that I trust that.
I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord.
lurve you, xoxo v.