Well, this feels better
On this hormonal emotional roller coaster I've been on, it's been tough to stay in my body and not let my mind take me off somewhere where I'm just sure that I am being rejected, neglected or some other ected. Know what happens when you mix someone who is an over-analyzing, communicator with a loner who has only begun to dip his toe in the pool of communication, and then you separate them right after they have an argument? A mess happens, that's what.
For two days I have been sad, lonely, dejected, blah blah blah, whereas Paul has been Mr. Happy-go-lucky on the beach having cookouts and shit. Why? Because there has been nearly no communication. When I feel hurt, I shut down and withdraw, but that absence doesn't strike him as odd because he lives in a world where people barely communicate and it takes him quite a while to notice he hasn't heard from me.
Know how I still know that he has changed and continues to change? Because when I brought this up to him, he quietly listened, was sympathetic and even said he was sorry (*gasp*). When I asked him why, when he heard that my feelings were hurt and I started crying, would he yell at me (of all things!), and he said that he couldn't believe I was crying and it frustrated him and he wanted to "snap me out of it." Snap me out of it? Really? I asked him if that had ever worked before on anyone he has ever met in his whole life, and he admitted that no, it had not, but he was ill-equipped to know what to do because he never sees me acting like that. That part is true. I don't normally have a hair-trigger cry button like that, so I reminded him that when he sees his woman crying, that's his cue to comfort her.... not yell at her. *blank stare*
Now, as simple as this might all sound to you, this is like relationship calculus in these parts. But the good thing is that it's starting to sink in and instead of Mr. Mean, I have a man who is actually pretty damn sweet nearly all of the time and is trying his best to become all that he can be. He hasn't thrown in the towel and has really committed himself to the forward momentum and evolution that was started a year ago. Bravo to you P-Daddy, seriously. If you ever read this, you would know that I am proud of you and all of the ways that you have striven to become a better man, better partner, better Christian. I'm grateful for the hard work you have put in and I appreciate that you see that I am worth the effort.
Just a day or so ago, I was pretty much convinced that you had back-slidden and that we were in for big trouble. But when I saw you trot through the front door with that cute grin on your face and scooped me up in your arms telling me you missed me, and when you kissed me and told me Happy Anniversay, I knew that it was going to be okay. And that feels so much better.
lurve you, xoxo v.