12.15.2010

Revisited: "I'm 33 For a Moment"

Something in therapy today made me think of this post,
so I went back and looked it up.
We were talking a bit about how I'm
made up to be a passionate person,
who might fall hard sometimes,
but it's because I live big.
I said, "Hey!  I actually wrote a blog on that a few years ago."
So, I'm reposting it here.  A little blast from the past,
it was originally posted 4/17/06.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can feel it happening day by day and let me tell you, I love the process. I am in awe of the process. The process of healing is what I'm talking about. I'm in awe of what happens in this life...of what God does...if you just allow the processes to happen. And some processes don't even need our cooperation! Sometimes they happen whether we allow them to or not. Look at the human body! Hearts beating, breathing happening, cells regenerating, cycles of hormones, thoughts, memories, desires, impulses.....even sleep. If I looked at any one of you right now and said "SLEEP!"....you wouldn't be able to. You could only lay down and relax and give into the process. Same with having an orgasm if you think about it. If you're too tense, thinking about it too much, sick, etc....you won't be having one anytime soon. All you can do is try to make the circumstances right and give into the process...and if you're lucky, you'll get lucky.

The Bible talks about walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It doesn't talk about staying there forever. When you've been going through some tough stuff the only way you'll stay there is if you fight God step-by-step and insist on staying there. If you give into the natural process you will...eventually...move out of the valley. And that's what's happening with me. I'm moving through...and amazingly quickly might I add. I have no doubt that the difference has been blogging. Some people may tire of reading about all of my emotional ups and downs and all I can say to them is....TOUGH! lol If you don't like it you can surely find another blog to read in this blog-heavy day and age. I'm not writing for you anyways!

I was watching tv today and a woman being interviewed was talking about how we need to "go for it! Because you only have about ten seconds before you become just a whisper." Wow. So true. And I have to say that even subconciously I usually live by that creed. Whether I like it or not, whether you like it or not lol, I've always been a very passionate person. I love hard. I mean hard. When I love, I love all the way. My loyalty is fierce and I will go to any length to protect my loved ones and also to make them feel important. Unfortunately, as I talked about in my last blog...everything has an equal but opposite reaction....which means I hurt just as hard as I love. It's just like going to Cedar Point and climbing onto their newest, tallest, fastest roller coaster. In order to get the most thrill you have to have the tallest hills. But tall hills mean long drops. And don't forget about all of the twists and turns and the little tiny hills that give you lots of air time where you just seem to be floating. That's my life. I could choose to live a safe life. I could choose to deny my nature and the personality I was made to have....but what fun would that be? Why would I choose to be the old-fashioned cars that only drive around in circles under shade trees when God created me to be a roller coaster?

Personally, the highs are worth the lows to me. I know that there will never be a low that I can't handle. There will never be a valley that God doesn't walk me through. Honey, I have been through WAAAAAYYYYY too much in this lifetime..... the only thing stopping me permanently is death. And even that doesn't scare me because I know where I'm going. I don't look forward to the lows by any means, but I know that I will be okay. It takes time for the process to take place, but time heals all wounds...and I will be okay eventually. I'm like teflon for bitterness.....it tries to hit me but slides right off every time. LOL And praise God for it! :)

It made me think of the song "100 Years". It talks about the different stages of life and how you're only at that stage but for a moment. How true. Just a few moments ago I was 16. Another moment ago I was holding one of my newborn babies in my arms staring in amazement. And another moment ago I was on my knees on my living room floor in the middle of the night in sheer despair while listening to my daughter tell the detectives what her step-dad had done to her. That was over three years ago now. And we're doing great. Time marches on. The train comes down the hill it just climbed up. And eventually the ride comes to an end. When my ride comes to an end I don't want to say, "man I wished I had just let go and enjoyed that more!" No. I want to have my eyes open in wonder. I want my hands up in the air, sometimes screaming on my way down the hills...but knowing that I felt every second of the ride.
lurve you, xoxo v.

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