Damnit, just stay.

How many times in this one little lifetime will I be rendered speechless with grief?  How many times do I need to be blindsided by tragedy and heartbreak?  I'm not saying that in a "whoa is me" type of way really.  No, if you look at it, it's a legitimate thing.  Shit just doesn't stop happening.  And before anyone out there makes some snarky comment about it maybe being karma, be careful where you point that finger, my friend.  Everyone has some karma coming, so don't be so quick to wish it on someone else.

But I digress.

Sunday evening, my heart broke.  Something I never saw coming came.  I thought this news was as bad as it could get that day.  It was pretty shocking and sad at first, but I slowly began to get a grip.  My breathing eventually slowed, and then the tears slowed.  I began to get talked off of the ledge about it and be able to begin being slightly optimistic about the future of my family.

Then, as usual, I was sucker punched.  Again.  As usual, I never saw this coming.  This time, my heart shattered.  I was blinded by a mixture of fear, panic and rage.  Who knew that one little sentence over a text message could start such a landslide?  The words, "You need to take me to the hospital."  I never again want to read those words.  Especially not right on the heels of already earth-shaking news.

I immediately raced home to gather up one of my little ducks.  My little duck who is sick.  Not physically sick, but so overwhelmingly heart-sick, that it made her not want to hang on anymore.  The words I said as a plea to her when she was a sick little newborn.... "Just stay....."   well, she's held onto her end of the bargain so far.  There've been many times I was afraid she would go, but she's always held on.  Well, Sunday night, her heart became just too flooded to hang on..... and she tried to go.

Just when I think there aren't any more ways to break my heart, I am proven wrong.  I was so conflicted with a  desire to just love her, and a desire just as strong to be mad at her.  For the first time ever, and hopefully the last, I discovered what it feels like to have your crying move beyond tears or even sobbing and be overcome with wailing and weeping.  I screamed, I cried, I cussed and wanted to punch things.  I was overwhelmed with fear and love and rage and panic.  The thought of all the ways I have fought for her over her whole lifetime... to keep her safe, healthy, happy, avenged, loved.... and she was trying to go out like this???  By taking two hands full of pills??? NO!  DAMNIT ALL!  NO!!!!  I WILL NOT STAND BY AND WATCH THIS HAPPEN.  DEVIL, YOU WILL NOT GET MY GIRL!  AND DAMNIT COURTNEY, I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF!

I knew I needed to love her, but at the same time, I was raging.  I was devastated.  I reacted all over the place.  Whoever got in my way these past few days has received a part of my reaction.  I have displaced anger everywhere and the grief comes and goes. HOW can she not know how loved she is?  HOW can she give up so easily?  And for WHAT?  HIM?  Doesn't she know how wonderful she is?  How beautiful and amazing she is?  How valuable she is?  Doesn't she know?  How can she not know?  Somehow, she doesn't know.

But today she is doing okay.  She stayed.  I can't ask for much more than that at this point.

xoxo veronica


Anonymous said…
I am so very sorry.. God.. I don't even know what to say.. I am praying so deeply for you and your family.. Please know you are being thought of and prayed for..
God Bless You and your children..
Michelle said…
My heart is broken with you and for you, for her, and for your family. Pretty speechless, especially considering you already realize that He is with you and has you all wrapped in His love. All of your feelings are so natural and expected in such an unexpected situation. I continue to pray for all of you and am thinking about you all the time. I love you.
Anonymous said…
Love you girl. Your family is wrapped in love from us all and from prayers to our Father in Heaven. Oh how I wish I could be there to try to comfort you. Sending you a hug!!!
Allison said…
My Dear Veronica,

You are such a strong woman...but even warriors break down and cry sometimes. It's okay to fall apart sometimes. You're allowed. I'm here when you do and I'm here when you don't. Always.

P.S. I'm so relieved that Courtney is okay. Please tell her that Aunt Soapie loves her so very much..and give her a big hug for me.
Rita said…
I have been visiting here a million times a day for the past few, wanting to hear from YOU what is going on (because second hand from second hand doesn't really help - even if it is in good heart.

I am glad you wrote something, even with this awful topic. Even under stress you are a great writer.

You all are so very loved in so many ways. Stay strong.
Jackie said…
Oh Veronica, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I don't know exactlyhow you are feeling, but I have been in Courtney's place... I too almost ended everything a few months age, eventhough I know I have sooo many people who love me and care about me deeply. Sometimes it just seems to be too much. What I have found that has helped is antidepressants and therapy. Just being able to talk to an impartial person really makes a huge difference. I hope that Courtney can get to a better place, but whatever happens none of this is your fault. i will definately keep you and your family in my prayers, and if you ever need anything, I am always here, message me anytime on FB or myspace or even call me if you need to. 419-656-1925. You are such a great person never let anything ever make you question that. Love you!!! Jackie