8.01.2010

Can you love me for a lifetime in just one night?

Now that my relationship with Collin is long over, I can look back on things with a different perspective. Every other relationship I've ever had, ended with a "Thank God that's over! Not this time. What was different this time was that I loved him passionately. I was happy to see him, I hated for him to leave. I tried to pack every possible moment in every single day together with as much love and laughter as I could.... love him for an entire lifetime in just one day. I didn't end up with my "forever" or my "happy ending" with him, but who says I didn't love him for an entire lifetime? Who's to say what a "life" is anyways? I could have married him and he could have died the next day...or I could. So essentially, I have already loved him enough for a lifetime in just the short time I was allowed to exist in his universe.

When he went away, to say my heart was broken would be just too simple. As I lowered to my knees and let my head fall to the ground, I wept. A million tears I wept and then I wept some more. My heart was shattered, my soul, my mind. As I began to heal, which was inevitable, I knew that I would be okay, but I also thought I knew that I would never again experience that kind of love force in my life. I thought the odds were just too astronomical to be able to experience that kind of love quake more than once. Still, I don't know that I ever will, but I know that right now I am looking at something that has the strong potential to be something pretty damn close...if not far surpass it.

So what do I do about the fact that I can be scared to death about starting something new? Always waiting in some way for the other shoe to drop. What do I do? What I do is this.... I love this person enough for an entire lifetime every single time I see him so that if he goes away, I have nothing left to say and no regrets.  I might not be able to totally get over the fear of them going away, or being alone the next day, but now I look at that one opportunity that I have as a brilliant, precious thing that I must cherish, just in case it IS the last time I get to see them.

The key is to milk every wonderful, magical & heavenly drop out of your relationships and to always remember the person is not yours to keep. Not even if I got to spend the rest of my life with him, he’s still not mine to keep. Life eventually ends for everyone and we’re left standing there alone in the end, no matter what. So what I do have is now. And now, today, here is pretty wonderful and I have a good feeling that I'm looking at some ever better tomorrows.

"We have only this moment, 
sparkling like a star in our hand 
and melting like a snowflake...” 
Marie Beyon Ray

xoxo veronica

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