Yesterday I had dinner with a friend. The conversation wound here and there as conversations do, and I ended up telling her about Collin. See, Collin is the love of my life. He is the best friend I have ever had and loving him changed me in all of these incredible amazing and beautiful ways.
When we had no choice but to part (because even though I am not proud to admit it, he is married and we needed to do the right thing), it nearly destroyed me. I know it was the same for him, but he has a way of hiding his pain better than I do and so he soldiered on. The thing is that normally so do I...but not this time. This time, the pain, loss, grief...all of it...was so much to bear that...well, it was a dark, dark time. Lets just say that.
I don't talk about him much anymore and it was kind of strange talking about him to my friend (you can read some past posts about him here and here). As strange as it was, it was also wonderful. As I wove my way through the tale of our love story, it's like I could feel him there with me. It felt good to have his name rolling off of my tongue once again and to speak of him openly with love and fondness. The truth is that as hard as I have ever tried to move on, I never really get very far. I mean, I pretend I do. I pretend it is ancient history and that it is something long behind me...but it isn't.
I tell God all the time that when it is time for me to find my forever partner, He (God) has his work cut out for him because the bar has been set very, very high. Nothing I have experienced before or since could even register on the scale of that love quake. His love changed me, left me branded as his, and even all of these years later...I am only one mention of his name away from being right back there.
He has been heavy on my mind since that conversation with my friend last night, just as if he is sitting down-sofa from me now. I feel him and his energy all around me. So much so that I went and opened up the vault of all of our old love letters today. I haven't done that since probably 2010. I tell you, this thing that we experienced was so immediately special that I felt the need to capture everything that was said, every picture exchanged. I mean, in the old days, people wrote love letters to each other...and then they kept them, along with all of the mementos of their relationship, tied with a bow. In this digital age we just don't have the ink and paper types of love notes; but that's exactly what I felt that these texts and chats were for us...so I have all of them tied up with little digital bow.
We used to chat all day long...on the phone, over text, email, pictures, BB messenger. From the moment we woke up all through the end of the day. And at the end of the day, I would copy and paste all of it into an email to save it because it and he were so very special to me. Opening that vault after all of these years was powerful.
As I opened up one day after another and read our conversations from morning through night, it was just like being back there again. It's still there...the love, the connection. Reading sentiments like, "We're connected forever Veronica...what we have is bigger than physical...you will forever be in my heart and mind" pierced through me. None of it was trite. None of it was a game. It was the most honest and real thing either of us have ever experienced and I miss him. I will probably never see him again, but when I allow myself to go there, to really think about him and read the things we said and the things we experienced, it's like not one minute has passed since I saw him last. The love remains...to the moon and back...round trip...and I embrace it unapologetically.
But I know that this wave will rise and then it will fall again. It's just a wave, it's just a wave. And I know that when it comes, I just hold on...I just hold on.
"Emoji of a Wave"
John Mayerxoxo v.