7.16.2012

But you can see it my eyes, you can read on my lips I'm trying to get a hold on this....




"Settle Down"
by
NO DOUBT

The song that finally caused a blog, that's what this is.  Leave it to my girl Gwen, my favorite band No Doubt.  Leave it to them to release a long-awaited song that speaks to exactly where I'm at.  It's like they were checking up on me.  

Ritapita saw it before I did and posted it on my Facebook wall for me and I couldn't see it on my phone, so I haven't seen it all day.  So what's been my twenty?  Where's my brain been at lately?  I don't know.  That's a good question and I don't have an answer for that.  The waves have been crashing and I've been sinking, that much I do know.  I've been stressed and I've been lonely.  Overwhelmingly lonely.  Like alone alone.  I even called today to see if I can get back into counseling this week because I'm just feeling desperately wrong.  Like SOMETHING'S WRONG.  Not myself wrong.  Everything wrong at one time wrong.  Because it is... everything's wrong at one time.  Teenage kid drama, taking it all out on me, car trouble, work overwhelming, money, relationship drama, don't feel good... you name it. All wrong at one time, all made to look 1,000 times as bad because it's PMS week and I feel rejected by everyone and unloved by everyone and hated by everything and like the world is crashing in on me.  Yeah, one of those times.  Today I actually cried out to God in the car and said, "Does my moon need to be in another house or does Jupiter need to be rising or something because obviously I'm praying for the wrong stuff!  Tell me what I need to do!"  Even getting to go to a 5-star resort this weekend... the valet curbed our front passenger tire and broke the valve stem (the one that talks to the computer in the car aka the EXPENSIVE one ) which will now cost me over $200 to fix because valet is "park at your own risk" even at a big, fancy resort.   Yada, yada, yada, blah blah blah..... all that to say that my day, week, month has SUCKED. sucked sucked.

I just spent an hour in the dark, floating around the pool by myself crying and praying and trying to figure out what to do about this negative, hormonal, crappy attitude because it is so unlike ME.  I am normally strong.  I might break down for a minute, but then.... I got this.

That's why the lyrics of the song are such a timely message for me.  They are perfect.  They are about going through a rough time and saying, you know what, I know I'm struggling a little bit right now, but don't worry, I'm really trying to get a hold on this.  I'm rough and tough and I've seen avalanches like this before.  It's about being tired and saying, "Are you kidding me?  Again??"  Then saying, "Alright, I got this."

lurve you, xoxo v.

2 comments:

Allison said...

Oh V! I'm so sorry that you're struggling so much these days. How I wish that there weren't so many states between us. I love you so much. Please always remember that. Even when it feels like the world is spinning out of control, I'm still here. And I always will be :)

Standing on my Own 2 Feet said...

Oh V, my heart's just breaking for you. Those feelings are real and I am so proud of you for being open and willing to share them. Takes guts to admit stuff. Love you girl. I sure wish I lived closer so we could go for some sangria and chat till the wee hours!

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