The X Factor

"A variable in a situation 
that could have the most 
significant impact on the outcome. "

It's coming.  Eight more days.  That's all I have of certainty.  Control.  Predictability.  That's all the time left that I have to know that an evil monster is locked away where he cannot hurt me or my family.  That's it.  Eight days.  Most of the time the anxiety isn't too bad, but that's only because I stuff it away and pretend like there's nothing going on, living in denial.  But when I think about it, boom, there it is.

Therapist is wanting to try to some different techniques to get me to a place where instead of panic, I have calm and can think "there's nothing coming that I can't handle."  Which really, no matter what that's true, because this life has proven that I can handle just about anything.  I've already handled some pretty heavy shit and I assume I will be able to handle just about anything else.  However, I don't want to handle more trauma.  I'd rather life remain peaceful and joyful and safe.  And it may.  The problem is that in eight days, a whole new X-Factor is going to be introduced into my universe.  It's that unknown variable that takes away my certainty and feeling of safety, because it is unknown what may happen.  Will he choose to leave us alone when he gets out of prison?  Will he show up on my doorstep?  Will he be even worse and stalk us, making us constantly look over our shoulder to see if he's staring at us wherever we are?  Unknown.  The X-factor.

Fortunately, recently our church did a series also called "The X Factor" and it dealt with the unknown variable that is Jesus and our faith in Him.  The pastor talked about how as humans, our faith can only go so far.  Our faith can take us right to the cliff, but that's where it stops.  It takes that unknown variable of Jesus' love, ability, mercy, grace, dependability, etc to get you across the gulf.  It is Him that is the magic ingredient that makes miracles and has a significant impact on the situation.  No matter how much faith I as a person have, my faith can only protect me so far, calm me so much.  It is Jesus and His participation in the situation that really makes the difference and will get me to the other side.

One of the issues is that I trust Jesus.... implicitly.  I don't trust man.  I have lived through the evidence that men have free will and can inflict pain on my family, and although God is faithful to bring us through it and make all things new, man still has the free will to hurt us in the first place.  So, here I am looking at these two X-factors in front of me.  The Evil One on one side and God on the other.  The one scares me and the other one I know will get me through.

Last week in church, we were singing "The Everlasting."  Have you heard it?  It's my all-time favorite praise song.  I'll try to find a copy and post it below if I can.  Anyways, it is based around one of my favorite verses, which has become the mantra for my life lately.... "I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord."  And then it goes on to talk about how He is the everlasting God.  Not for today, but EVERLASTING.  As I was singing this, I heard God speak to my heart and say, "my love and protection for you does not have an expiration date on it.  I am the everlasting God, and just because that man got nine years in prison, doesn't mean you only got nine years of protection.  I will not leave you nor forsake you."  I was so silenced I couldn't even finish the song.  I stood there and quietly cried.

My love and protection for you 
does not have an expiration date.

 Praise God.  That's the variable that I'm clinging to.  I have no idea how it will play out or be able to count the many ways that God will protect us, but I trust that His unknown is stronger than the Evil One's unknown.  Thank you Lord for your love and protection and thank you for the peace in knowing that you go before me.  

lurve you, xoxo v.

A cover I found of two of my favorite praise songs put together.
They did an AWESOME job!
"The Everlasting"
"Oh How He Loves"


Allison said…
"It is Jesus and His participation in the situation that really makes the difference and will get me to the other side."

I loved that line. It is so true. So often we forget that He is an active participant in everything that happens in our lives...and just the times that we ask Him to, but always! He WILL get you not only to the other side, but learning to lean on Him (even if you have to remind yourself minute by minute) is what will get you PEACEFULLY through it as well.

I love you, friend, and I am praying for peace in your heart, not just in 8 days, but the days before and the days after as well.
Barbara said…
We have to trust that He will keep you & yours safe. I also worry that the evil one will try to find you - and what if he finds you thru us or something the girls post? We have to trust that God has turned his(evil one) thoughts away from you seeing how he has spent the last nine years.......and doesn't want a repeat for life...
Stay strong.
Love you lots, Mom
veronica said…
Thanks. And believe me, I know. When I say, "me & my family," I mean ALL of my family. I don't want him to bother any of us. And I hope you're right. I hope prison was so horrible and hurtful for him that it has defeated his nasty, no-boundaries personality. I hope he just stays away.