Let it begin....
On this journey of trying to figure out how to forgive and have peace, if you've been reading long then you know how I've struggled with this. Not to forgive everyone, just him. The Evil One. Because actually, I'm a very forgiving person and not a grudge-holder at all. Just him.
Just him because he did such heinous things and there is just SO. MUCH. The years and the years of hurtful damage that culminated with the grandaddy of all hurtful damage... the hurting of one of my children... it's just so. much. It's a chunk that has been too big for me to bite and I haven't known how to wrap my mind around the idea of letting that all go. And truth be told, do I want to forgive the hurting of my child? Honestly, no I don't. I am commanded to. If I am forgiven, then I am to forgive. And so I have always been willing to let it happen, I've just been at a loss for it to happen.
So the other day, I heard someone say something, or maybe I read it, I don't even know. All I know is that it stuck in my mind and started to sink down. Something about every day forgiving a little something more. Every day working on just ONE thing. If I can't forgive him for everything, can I forgive him for SOMETHING?
Yeah, I think maybe I can do that. I can't forgive him for hurting her yet (or ever?). But I can forgive him for that one time he called me that one name. Because he's ignorant and had no idea what he was talking about. I'm not those things he said I was, so whatever. I can start to let that go.
This might take years, but at least it's progress. I was going to spend years not forgiving him, so I might as well spend years chipping away at it.
Paul always says things like, "I'm sure there were at least some good times." or "I'm sure it wasn't all bad." At first this used to offend me a little because I'm thinking have you not heard what I've been telling you??? Do you not believe me??? But I think at this point in time, it would behoove me to play into that belief. If I convince myself that it wasn't all bad, then it will be easier to forgive him for some of the little things. I get mired down in this false belief that my children experienced NO happiness during that time and that it was all horrible, and that's not true. Looking through old pictures last night, it almost surprised me to see all of the happy faces and smiles because my brain had started operating under the false belief that there were no happy faces and smiles. So I think I need to reprogram my brain a little bit. I mean, don't get it wrong... he was a demon and there were plenty of horrible times. But if it helps me get over the hurdle and make a little bit of peace, then I want to start remembering some of the happier times...especially where my kids were concerned. I think at least one of them (*Darren*) needs to remember that it wasn't all horrible as well.
To help with this, I plan to start a major project of scanning and chronicling every single picture I can find from my past. I want to post as many happy pictures as I can find. I predict I'll probably get about an hour into this task and give up on it, but I'm thinking positively. So, I apologize to those of you who check my family blog I Love You More Than Pork Chops on a regular basis, because the plan is for there to be an onslaught of old baby pictures and such, but it is for a good cause. I'm going backwards in order to move forward.
Off I go! Wish me luck!
lurve you, xoxo v.