7.01.2010

Father knows best


I haven't been to counseling in three weeks.  There were scheduling conflicts and then I got sick, then she got sick.... long story short, I think it was God's protective hand that put a halt to things for a little while.  My kick-butt summer of healing didn't go quite as planned because as usual, I push myself too hard and am way too unforgiving of my humanness.

Plainly said, I can now see that I was pushing myself too hard in this healing/therapy situation and totally believe I was pushing myself toward a breakdown.  The first day of therapy missed, I had woken up from wickedly disturbing and all-too-real nightmares of the evil one and what seemed like our daily life together.  I often have nightmares about him (especially when I don't take my ambien), but this one was just WAY WAY WAY too vivid and jarring.  Coincidentally, that was the same day I was supposed to be starting the EMDR therapy & had found myself in the full-blown throws of losing my shit.  The thought of reliving any of the trauma I have always tried so hard to repress was truly freaking me out like never before.

I think it was nothing but God's grace that he let my appointment that day get canceled.  He promises that he will never give us more than we can handle and I believe all the way to my core that I had reached my "more than I can handle" point...and somewhere deep inside I really never believed I possessed such a point.  A part of me (even if I hated it) believed that I was somewhat bullet-proof after everything I've gone through.  I now think I was wrong.  The cumulative effects of years of damage being heaped on me finally grew to a weight I was ill-equipped to carry.....

And that's when God showed up.

Oh, I know he's here all the time.  Believe me, I know.  But sometimes He's more of an active participant than a lurker and I think that one particular day, he showed up in a knight in shining armor kind of way that I've never been conscious of before.  I may never see another day like that again (I pray not anyways), but I can now see in an emblazoned,  technicolor way that his protection is real.  Even when we are willingly stepping in front of the bus, sometimes he locks the brakes up before it can reach us.  Thank you Lord.  

The snide, judgmental words "The purple haze of Jesus" still sometimes ring through my mind.  It's times like this that I sincerely hope that someday that person (people) know what it feels like to have the God of all the universe have your back.  There's nothing that can compare.  I am blessed.  I am grateful.  I am happy.  I am peaceful.  I am loved.


xoxo veronica

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