I missed me

The reality of the verse that says God uses all things for the good of those who love him has really hit home this week. As most of you know there have been so many tragedies involved in this one fiasco! For those of you who don't know, I'm really sorry but it's just too much to rehash right now. To sum it all up there has been depression, agression, more than one suicide attempt (not by me), stress, tears, worry, desperation and exhaustion. Aside from the trauma of hurricane evil one at the end of 2002, this has been probably the worst two weeks of my whole life. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I have some experience in these situations and the stench of this foulness isn't new to my nose.

My emotional and psychological states have been at every point of the spectrum on any given day. As soon as some sympathy and love start to penetrate my soul all it takes is a simple thought to swing me back around to anger, betrayal and eventual melancholy. No one is born knowing how to deal with this kind of stuff--all we can do is make it up as we go along and it's interesting now two weeks into this journey to look back and see the arc of my reaction.

I started out needing to talk. Talk alot. I needed to vent, rehash, process it all in and outside of my brain. That's not normally what I do, but this time that's what I needed. I got it all out and then some. I was angry--and I allowed myself to feel it. I was bitter, pissed off, depressed--you name it I was feeling it. Then i hit rock bottom and just felt that I couldn't walk another step. I broke down and cried out to God letting him know that I just couldn't take one more thing. NOT ONE MORE.

Even through all the messes in my life I don't think I've been to that point before. I've always felt too strong to be at that point...even when I thought I was weak I still had the mindset of "we're gonna figure this out and get through it...it will all be ok!". This time I just didn't know. Not only did I not know, but I didn't want to know and didn't care about knowing. I didn't care if the whole world fell away.

As much as I needed to talk in the beginning that quickly went away. I had one of the strongest needs of my whole life to be in solitude. I've turned off the ringers on my phones several days, I've had the tv off most of the time, and I've made several trips to goodwill after decluttering. It was an almost primal need to simplify my life and my space making it as calm, quiet and peaceful as I could get it.

One of the nice things that I've seen God using that for is to remind me who I am. What do I want? Not as part of a couple, not what do we want, but what do I want? I want to have my calm home back. I want the stupid effin' tv shut off most of the time. I want to read and write with mellow music playing. I want to buy something at the store and know that it will still be there the next day because no one has used it or taken it behind my back. I started meditating again. Basically I've stepped out of the whirl-wind and reclaimed my boundaries. I won't tell anyone else that they have to do things my way, but I know the way that I need to be and I know what I need in my life for it to be what I need and what is right.

Through this process I've become much calmer and more peaceful and I've moved through alot of the anger and found the capacity to be sympathetic again. That's who I was created to be...a nurturer...I need to help when I'm needed. That doesn't mean that I need to suffer and have dysfunction in my life. I can help without becoming incapacitated myself. One of the things they teach you in cpr class is that if someone is choking or drowning, sometimes you simply have to let them pass out before you can help them. That's because they are a crazy mess of struggle, panic and fury until they pass out--then they're lay there willing to let you help them.

That's kind of the situation I've been in. I almost needed to let someone self-destruct to a point that help could be forced on them and in the process I'm getting some of myself back too--instead of being pulled down by a panicked drowning person.

I don't know what will happen in the near future, that plot is still developing day by day. I know that dis-ease can't be back in my home. Stable, healthy, surrendered easiness can be though. Who knows what the outcome will be besides God? I guess that's why I just need to trust in him to take care of it and thank him for using this nasty experience to reintroduce me to myself...I missed me.


Holding onto the real

Since putting up my christmas themes on my pages this week I've been asked several times "isn't it too early for Christmas???" My first thought is always heck no!!! I'm ready for Christmas in July sometimes!!! LOL I could never put my finger on why though. Why do I feel such a draw to certain things? Why did I feel an overwhelming need to "christmas-up" my pages so early? Tonight while doing some reading it came to me.

I'm reading (however slowly) Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. In one particular part of the book she's talking about Italy and trying to figure out why Italians have such beautiful art, music, cars, etc. when they have had such a war-torn history and make a mess of everything on a large scale...like wars and army's. She then recounts something that she had read in another book written by an italian on just this thing. Basically it said:

"Because the world is so corrupted, misspoken, unstable, exaggerated and unfair, one should trust only what one can experience with one's own senses, and this makes the senses stronger in Italy than anywhere in Europe." She also says, "In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted....Pleasure cannot be bargained down. And sometimes the meal is the only currency that is real. To devote yourself to the creation of beauty, then, can be a serious business--not always necessarily a means of escaping reality, but sometimes a means of holding on to the real when everything else is flaking away...My life had gone to bits....but I felt a glimmer of happiness when I started studying Italian, and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt--this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

That explains it. Looking back on my life I can see how when things seem to be crumbling or flaking away I instinctually am drawn to things that make me happy. I sit for hours searching for graphics and clipart that make me smile. I find songs that inspire me...and I decorate for Christmas.

For me, Christmas is a magical time. My heart responds to twinkle lights, smells and music. The covering up of the ordinary, everyday life with magic and wonderful garlands sparkly bits. It's the potential for a stolen kiss under the mistletoe. Laying on the carpet with your head under the tree and staring up at the lights through the branches. Seeing pretty wrapped packages with your name on them and knowing that someone thought just about you while they were picking it out. Everyone is usually on their best, most well-mannered behavior. Good tidings, happy thoughts. The kids are (for once) content to have the tv off and smile...actually SMILE while staring at the christmas tree. And most of the world comes together to celebrate my savior.

It's an awesome (and I say "awesome" in a way that means way more than the 80's slang for "cool!"...I mean leaves me in awe of) way that a red background with white snoflakes and a playlist of holiday music can spark such peace in my soul. Rachel's comment to me earlier says it all... "Your page makes me smile! :)"
That comment made me smile too. :) Because I know that her heart is hearing mine.

Right now with so much of my life crumbling around me I find my soul steering me towards my comfort places... and Christmas is a big one. Having said all of that, I don't think that it was any coincidence that the biggest disasters of my life have happened right around Christmas. I found out about the evil one hurting Courtney on December 18th. God knew I would need the comfort I guess. My father always takes care of me....and he knew last week that I would need a little Christmas, right this very minute!


Into the blue

Come on baby lets get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down
Theres a chill in my bones
I dont want to be left alone

So baby you can sleep while I drive
Ill pack my bag and load up my guitar
In my pocket Ill carry my harp
I got some money I saved
Enough to get underway
And baby you can sleep while I drive

Well go thorough tucson up to santa fe
And barbara in nashville says were welcome to stay
Ill buy you glasses in texas a hat from new orleans
And in the morning you can tell me your dreams

You know Ive seen it before
This mist that covers your eyes
Youve been looking for something
Thats not in your life
My intentions are true
Wont you take me with you
And baby you can sleep while I drive

Oh is it other arms you want to
Hold you the stranger
The lover youre free
Cant you get that with me

Come on baby lets get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down
If you wont take me with you
Ill go before night is through
And baby you can sleep while I drive


My tears are burning my face. Oh how I wish things could be different. The girls are finally sleeping so now it's ok to be sad. And oh God how I'm so sad.

It's my anniversary. Officially my anniversary. This scene is so damn familiar to me... alone. Man gone. Belongings still sitting here as if the rapture came and stole him away. My intentions were so true. All I ever wanted was an ordinary life. Just an ordinary, even-keeled, faithful, loyal, God-serving life. I don't even need everything on my wish-list...just some of it. A friend lovingly pointed out my pattern with men today. I know it was meant in love, but it sucks to know that the one place I've struggled and tried so hard is the place I've been so unsuccessful at.
I know the pressure of the whole effin' world is on my shoulders to push him away, but for tonight. For just this moment in time I'm allowing myself to love him. To mourn the loss of what I thought would be and what I want so bad.

I wish we could just escape and get out of this town. My "dream man" and me....because I know that my "dream husband" and my real husband are two different things. He's in such a bad place. Even if he never is in my bed again I still want to see him better. I don't think he's ever, in his whole life, been "better". From the looks and sounds of it he's always been troubled. I want to see him better. He's not even close to the person I came to know and grew to love...he's gone into the blue. That blue place of depression. I've been there myself but I don't remember seeing anyone else there. I wish "blue" was like a country...a place that you could go to and find someone. Because if blue was a place, I would go there and find you. I would wrap myself around you and whisper how loved you are in your ears. And then I would bring you home again.

Happy Anniversary my love.... I wish you could be here.
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