1.24.2007

Longing for those Pennsylvania days


It's 5:00 in the morning and I'm sitting all alone in my dining room eating sushi and lobster bisque I bought at Trader Joes yesterday evening (the best place in the world btw). This is so unusual because lately I've been so stressed out and depressed and exhausted that the thought of crawling out of bed at ANY hour was just too much to think about. I would sleep morning, noon and night. The thought of getting up in the middle of the night when my body woke up...pshhhhh right! So why today? What's so different? Well i think it's due to the fact that yesterday I was expecting a huge blow up with Courtney and it just never happened. She was her sweet normal self for once....and God used that to shine some light into the end of my tunnel. So this morning i'm not so weary. Not so gun shy. Today I'm willing to take little moments to make my life sweet and enjoy myself....I just wish I weren't doing it by myself.

When i first started going to see Scott in Pa. are some of my favorite memories. It was spring, he had just moved into a brand new apartment (that was actually our first date...moving him in lol) and we were alone. Laying in the middle of the living room floor on an air mattress listening to the rain, watching movies, eating something, eating each other lol, then sleeping again. Just whatever we wanted to do, whenever we wanted to do it. We didn't need no stinkin schedules! There was no 'we'd better get to bed because I have to take Courtney to school at 7:00.' Or 'let's not watch this movie now because we'll just have to stop it and cook dinner and help with homework.' We just were. We allowed our bodies, our love, our desire and our enjoyment of one another dictate what we were going to do.....and it was so sweet. I hope every couple has memories like that to anchor them down so that when life gets to be too much they can look at their beloved standing there cooking dinner or whatever and smile softly thinking, "I remember who you are. You're the one who hung out with me at 5:00 in the morning eating cold pizza, and chocolate ice cream and watching "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" in our underwear."
I wish he'd wake up with me right now. He did stumble down the hall a little while ago when he saw i wasn't in bed, but he just went to the bathroom and stumbled back to bed. Ahhh for the good ole days.

P.S.

Nevermind. I guess he didn't go back to bed afterall. I came back to crawl into bed and snuggle up next to him since I was feeling all warm, fuzzy and nostalgic and he's in the bedroom on the computer watching some movie or whatever. I hate when I'm the only one wanting something or feeling something. I want to think he misses me like I miss him. It was a nice thought anyways.



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