1.24.2007

Auto pilot


I've been sitting here for hours. I found myself reading all of my old blogs...ones I had even forgotten that I had written...and I was thinking "wow, that was good!" over and over again. Then I started thinking..."where did that all go?" Why aren't I writing like that anymore?

I came up with a few reasons...none of which are that I don't want OR need to write. First of all I think I've gone onto some sort of auto-pilot of life. Things have been going so smoothly since Scott that I think subconsciously I'm afraid to rock the boat. I'm afraid to dig too deep or do any working on myself and issues because what if that disrupts the equilibrium? I've been sitting here with baited breath wondering if the other shoe is going to drop. Not only has that been the wrong thing to do, but it will probably end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy if I keep on doing that because they only way to have a successfull marriage and spiritual partnership is to work on yourself and continue to grow. We tend to only keep people around in our lives that teach us something. Once we stop growing with that person we tend to start to grow apart and we distance ourselves from them and then find someone new to be around.

I have always had this God-placed need to analyze, figure out, label and grow. And not only will idling my motor instead of moving forwards harm my life but not living out my purpose and destiny will too. I was MADE to explore. I was joke that I have x-ray vision. Nothing can be hidden from me for long...not by myself or anyone else. I was made to inspire others....that's when I feel that I'm serving God the best. I'm supposed to be speaking and teaching in some capacity...and I only have good material as long as I'm working on myself...I'm one of my best students!

One of the other reasons that I came up with is that subconsciously I think I've been hesitant to rehash the past is because of loyalty. It the #1 virtue in my opinion and I think that deep down I've thought that since Scott is here now that I need to pretend I've never had a past or any issues in my life so that I will never hurt his feelings. While I will admit that the season in my life of being single and free with my words is over, I still need to strive to find some kind of a happy balance. Just because I am happy and settled now doesn't mean that the muse isn't there. For example, all most of us have to do is here a sad sappy song and we can definitely relate to that no matter what stage of life we're in because we've all gone through it. Just because I'm happily married doesn't mean that there aren't things to be said about my past experiences that can help others...and myself. Only by learning from the past can I make the future better.

The third reason I've come up with for my tight-lipedness is that BECAUSE I'm married I just feel that things are more private now. It's different between husband and wife...especially when you know that your family and/or kids are reading. I definitely tend to filter differently now. I've gotta figure out something with that too.

So I'm feeling the stirrings over here and I'm sure it won't be long until I'm back up and running. I can't, nor do I want to ignore that still-small-voice inside of me for very long. It's telling me that the honeymoon is over...time to get back to work!

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