"Conscious uncoupling." I thought that was the stupidest phrase until I began the process of doing it myself in the past few months. Now it makes sense to me.
If you're in tune with yourself, you can tell when something isn't right. Oh, we all know me, and we all know that I fought that feeling for years. But in the wise words of REO Speedwagon, "Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore." Paul is not the lid to my pot.
I do have love for him and he has love for me. We have raised children together, weathered some storms together, and basically just muddled through together. I don't necessarily want to just dump him from my life and never look back. More to the point, I don't want his kids out of my life in that stark, permanent way. So then what are the options? The only option for me is to try my hardest to remain kind, mindful, and respectful. I mean, hey, we've been living like cordial roommates for years now anyways...what's a few more weeks? It doesn't have to go down in a burning ball of flames.
Tonight was rough though. It sucks because the few months of proactive behavior seemed a bit for naught this evening when he did something to finally send me through the roof. I admit it, I lost my shit on him in a colossal way...only in response to him already going off and being horrible to me. So, we were both looking like rude assholes by the end of the day. Ego says that it was totally justified, but I know better. It is SO easy to lash out when you are fed up.
However, tomorrow is another day. He will be moving out tomorrow...for the last time. It is bittersweet, but honestly WAY more sweet than bitter. It is time. Honestly, it was time years ago. Probably after our first date it was time. But, I'm nothing if not consistent, and I tend to stay in situations way past the expiration date.
So, to this chapter of almost six years... thank you for all you have taught me. I would say it's been lovely, but really it hasn't. I have grown as much as I am going to grow in this space and it is time to move forward. Go in peace. I am consciously uncoupling from you.