Echo...

It's still in there.  *sigh*  By "it", I mean the ability to lose my shit on someone.  The ability to go all "Taco Bell" on someone...and no, I won't remind you of what that means if you don't already know.  Because although I can laugh about it now, it was not my proudest moment.

Today at lunch, I was listening to a video by a woman that I learn a lot from spiritually.  She was talking about "Echoes."  She said that as we grow spiritually, we will sometimes be given an echo from our past to see how we handle it.  To see if we have really learned the lesson or not.  Some people might call it a test.

Well, I had one today... and I didn't pass. lol

Lately I have been taking everything in stride.  Not much bothers me all that much.  However, there is this one intersection on my way home from work.  Traffic is backed up a mile long to get on the highway, right?  Okay wait, I'm going to draw you a janky little picture so you can kind of visualize...

Alright... so it takes forever to inch up to this corner where I can turn right  to head toward the on-ramp.  Cars are bumper to bumper.  The oncoming traffic (orange) doesn't have an arrow, so when there is any little break in traffic, they will just cut right over and fly in between you and the car in front of you, wedging you in so that you have to wait to turn right, even though I have the right of way.

I'm not unreasonable, I get it.  That's why I will let ONE person go in front of me. ONE.  We take turns up in here.  ONE.  Well, THIS BITCH... don't you know a story is going to be good when you hear those words? lol   I let the ONE car go in front of me and I turn right and am kind of half in the old street, half on the new street.  I am mid-turn when this bitch flies up and AROUND my front bumper wedging in between me and car number one!  She just about hit me!  I continued to edge up while trying to make eye contact.  She finally looked over at me and I screamed, "WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" 

Oh no she didn't...girl, she dismissed me and pointed to the intersection as if I'm stupid and should let her in.  And she kept edging up and nearly took my bumper off.  I laid on my horn and she looked at me like I am a huge bitch (I was) and I yelled, "BITCH IF YOU HIT MY CAR, I WILL GET OUT OF THIS CAR AND BEAT YOUR ASS!!!!"  With this, she laughed and held up her hand to patronize me and said, "Okay lady, sure you will" and kept driving.  I was SEETHING!

But then I was like, she's right.  I wouldn't have done anything. lmao   But my EGO was ready to whoop some white privileged tail!  Instantly, I thought of what I heard about echoes.  And I was like...well crap.  Guess I'll try again next time.  *merp*

After processing and breathing for a moment.  I decided to call my old friend Carl.  I KNEW he would appreciate this and nothing makes me feel better than having Carl laugh at my pain.  In case you don't remember, Carl and I are the unlikeliest of friends and he says the reason he was first drawn to me was because he saw me talking shit to someone one time and it made him laugh because he knew I was all bark and could never back up half the stuff I said.  Yeah, like I said...it's still in there.

So, I called and told him I had to tell him something he would appreciate.  After telling him the story, I actually think he had to set the phone down because he was laughing so hard.  He has this LOUD boisterous laugh and he will never hesitate to laugh at someone else's expense.  But he's still awesome.

When he comes up for air, I say, "I knew you would get a kick out of that.  Because I was like, you're right...I was just talking shit and wouldn't do anything anyways.  So go ahead and cut in front of me lady. lol"  He started laughing again

C: "Yes!  I've been telling you and your big mouth for years that you just need to learn to shut the f**k up!" 

V: "Waaahhh!"

C: "Oh shut the f**k up!  Someone needs to tell you!  It might as well be me!" (laughing even harder)

To be fair, I can honestly say that my mouthiness has gone from like a 9 or a 10 to maybe a 2. Maybe even a 1.  It is rare that I get worked up or sassy anymore.  But it's like those old Prego commercials..."It's in there!" 

What I was reminded of though is that I have to be able to laugh about it and to be gentle with myself.  I have come so far!  So what if I'm not done yet.  Rome wasn't built in a day and I'm working on it.  Maybe I have some more work to do.  The key is to be as compassionate with myself as I am (or want to be) toward others.  Right?


XO, Veronica