Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven's door....

Being immunocompromised is no fun (thank you Benlysta and Prednisone!).  Paul and the kids catch a cold?  They're down for 3 or 4 days.  I catch what they have?  I develop pneumonia (and normally more) and am down for a minimum of two weeks every time.

This time, I was seriously scared.  I mean, praying for God to not take me home just yet scared.  It started off with a raging fever (it maintained at about 104.6 for a few days), so I thought it was just the flu or something.  I was diagnosed with full left and right-sided pneumonia, CHF and severe asthma exacerbation.  And to say I couldn't breathe is the understatement of the YEAR!  For the past week-and-a-half, I have not been able to walk more than ten feet without becoming severely short of breath.  Until yesterday, I couldn't hold even the shortest of conversations because I was unable to breath.

I know I had bargained for the doctor to let me come home and not go to the hospital.  I thought I would be more comfortable here and with the slew of meds she had given me, I thought I would be getting better quickly.  Boy did I underestimate that!  By that night, I knew I had made a mistake, but by then, I didn't have it in me to go sit in a cold, uncomfortable emergency room, so I decided to stick it out at home.  

The first few nights, my pulse ox (oxygen in my blood) was hanging out between 89 and 92% (I should've been in the hospital & on oxygen.... me & my stubbornness, I totally regret it.)  Now it's up to between 94 & 96%  most of the time, which seems like a miracle.

By the time it's all said and done I'll have been out of work for at least a full two weeks and have had to file for short-term disability.  That's scary.  My doctor has placed my Benlysta infusions on indefinite hold as since I keep coming down with pneumonia and other horrible infections.  That's scary to me too since this was pretty much my last resort for treatment for my lupus.  I don't tolerate any of the other meds and I tolerate this one so well and it's seemed to keep things relatively well-controlled.  It makes me sad and a little scared.  I know I can't keep getting sick like this, but I also can't live in a world where I ingest huge amounts of Prednisone or worse... a world where I live in lupus-misery.

SCREW YOU LUPUS.

I HATE YOU AND YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.

TWENTY YEARS IS ENOUGH.

GET LOST.

Thank you Lord for being faithful to heal me.  Please continue to lift me up to health and strength.  Please continue to give my doctors knowledge as to how to take care of me.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

lurve you, xoxo v.