Story unfolding....

"Do you trust me?"  is what I keep hearing in my heart.  With eyes full of tears I stare out the window.  My whole life is on an airplane how many miles over the Earth and completely out of my reach now.  "If this email had arrived just a few hours ago I wouldn't have known what to do.  I don't know if I would have let them go."  I had said to Paul.  I guess it's a good thing it didn't.  It makes me think of an old blog that I wrote where someone told me that I don't try to ride the earthquake, I try to control it. This is one of those times.  It's quaking.  I'm not riding.  I'm trying to control. There is absolutely nothing for me to control. Absolutely.  Nothing.  And God knows it.  Which, I believe, is why He is doing it this way.  This is the test and I'm kind of failing. I'm like the drowning person who is floundering and grabbing onto the lifeguard.  "Do you trust me?" He is saying.

Just a few days ago I sang, "You have made all things new, and I am free." Tears streamed down my face because I meant it.  I felt God speak to my heart in a powerful way and show me that He has healed me when I wasn't even looking.  A year ago, I would have NEVER allowed these girls to travel to a location close to where that devil is out of prison and roaming around and now it wasn't even given a second thought.  Mostly because even though he was close, he was still at a somewhat comfortable distance.  I trusted God to take care of my children.  Or do I?  A mere two hours after their plane took off, I received an email with a sex-offender update stating his address had changed and it is now RIGHT THERE.  Literally RIGHT.  THERE.  A mere minutes from where my girl will be staying half of the summer.  A mere minutes from where my other girl works.  A mere minutes from where my son lives.  I begin to sweat, I want to throw up.  I start rocking back and forth, I'm dizzy.  Am I hyperventilating?  Is there a way to call an airplane?  What would I say if I could?  Would I tell it to turn around?  Oh my gosh.  What do I do?  Oh my gosh.  I begin an afternoon of flailing and floundering in the water.  I'm not exactly passing the test.

I see on the sheriff's website that he got his old trucking job back.  I block my number and call the place to confirm, then I commence to pull on their heartstrings and pour on the guilt trip.  How can they hire a man to represent their company that they know rapes little girls?  Do they not care that he is a baby raper?  I am the mother of that raped little girl and now they're going to give him a paycheck to live his happy little lifestyle so that he can go rape more little girls?  He's not just a rapist.... he's a rapist who rapes LITTLE GIRLS and now he is representing their company.  I hope they're happy with their decision and will sleep well at night.  They were silent.

I updated my facebook status to let everyone know and to let them know what kind of car he is driving now and his license plate number so that they can beware of him (white 2005 GMC Sierra).  I talked with Courtney for a while about it and we tried to talk each other off the ledge, but I'm not sure that did a whole lot of good.  I called Paul and he exclaimed, "There's NO WAY Maddie's going up there now!  No way!" and I agreed, which sent me right back into the fetal position and rocking back and forth. 

Every once in a while, I would send some prayers up.  Mostly what I recognized was that old demon FEAR creeping back up that used to hang around so much.  He's been mostly gone for so long now and I like it that way.  But I took the afternoon off of work and planned to enjoy my first afternoon of quiet with everyone out of the house. 

It's a beautiful afternoon.  Know what I did?  Sat inside with all the doors locked, scared to death.  I've heard every creek in this house and wondered if someone is walking around upstairs and if I should sit here with a knife or if I should go get my "just in case" hammer so I can whack someone if they come near me.  I haven't gone swimming because I'm afraid to have the door unlocked or be outside by myself.  I guess everything isn't made new and I'm not free.  I guess I'm not passing the test.  And the worst part of it all is that now my kids are 2000 miles away and I can't even control whether or not they're safe.  At least I know that my dad will pull a shotgun on him if he comes near them there.  Bastard.  Back to the old drawing board.

So I'm in the water like that drowning person, but now I recognize what's going on and where I'm at.  So now I'm reaching for your hands that wondrously reached for me, you wondrously reached for me.  Just one touch is all that I need.  Maybe next time I'll pass the test, because I sure am a whole lot more healed than I used to be.  Just one touch can heal this life and change it for forever.  Just one touch.  Just one touch can calm this soul and tell it to be still.

lurve you, xoxo v.