Why knot?

The thought of marriage scares me so much.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with the idea of marriage and how romantic it can be.  I whole-heartedly believe in marriage.  I know that I know that I know that it's one of the things I believe most in.  When it's done right.  There are few things more powerful than the force of two people on the same team, heading the same direction, fighting for the same cause, without a doubt that their partner has their back because loyalty is number one.  That's my vision of marriage.  The problem is that I keep yoking up with people who don't share my vision.  Or they do at first, but then they get lazy or they decide they don't want to do this right after all.  That's my fear.  Finding someone who might give up the good fight after a few years and decide they don't want to do things right anymore.  Because, really, it's easier to be a dick than it is to stay in the room and figure out how to be gentle and compassionate and figure out how to respect the other person even though you'd really just like to punch them in the throat sometimes.

So how do you get to that place?  That place where you're willing to take the risk?  When you're no longer young and naive, when you no longer have a fairy tale vision of love, marriage and weddings, when you know that love does not always conquer all... how do you get to the place where you're able to do the Nestea Plunge into the marriage pool and say, "Okay, I'm going in!"  It's so much easier to sit in a lawn chair by the side of the pool and say, "Nah brah, I don't want to get my hair wet, I just straightened it."  Just because I like someone now, how do I know I will still like him in two years, ten years, twenty years.  I don't want to get divorced again.  Not necessarily because I will be ashamed or afraid (because let's face it.... I'm already competing with Liz Taylor.  I ain't scared of no divorce.  If you're an ass, you're out of here.), but really because divorce is a pain in the ass.  And also, I'm getting older and I just don't feel like messing around with this crap anymore (I'm so romantic, I know).  I want to find someone and settle down.  I want to be peaceful and happy.  I'm not adamantly looking for some huge fireworks explosion every time he kisses me or to have my soul mate.  Frankly, I've had that and really how many times do you think that can come along in one lifetime?  I don't have unusually high expectations.  What I want is someone that I'm compatible with, that is kind to me, that respects me, that is affectionate with me and that doesn't walk away when there are issues to deal with.  As simple as that sounds, that can actually be a pretty tall order.  And just because you both are that way with each other now, what happens in 15 years when one of you says, "Screw this...." and walks away, or quits being nice.  Or decided to start drinking.  Or decides to have an affair.  There are so many variables that you make yourself vulnerable to when you slip into those vows! 

Paul and I are staring down our two-year dating anniversary (anniversaries?  a whole other issue I talked about here), so it's only natural that I start thinking about these things.  These are the things that I think about it.... I don't mind being in my little domestic cage.  I rather enjoy it.  I just want the door left open.  Shutting the door of the cage and sealing me in freaks me out.  And I love Paul to death and think he's pretty great.  Any issues of the past have all but been worked out and 99% of the time, I'm blissful and peaceful.  But that other 1% of the time?  Yeah, that has me looking for a fire escape because if he can be a tool 1% of the time, does that mean he's going to be the "screw this" guy in the future? 

The most dysfunctional part?  I don't know that I want anything to do with marriage, but I'm kind of pissed and resentful that HE doesn't seem to want anything to do with it.  It hurts my feelings and I feel rejected.  I know, right?  I don't know that I want it, but I want him to.  Actually, I know he kind of does, just like I kind of do... I think he's simply afraid of the same things that I am.  If he asked, I'd say yes.  But I never want it to be my idea or put myself out there first because that could mean rejection.  Do you like being inside of my head?  It can be scary, huh?  Also, what if it's a bad ring?  I want a pretty ring!  I hope he asks for ring advice (just direct him to my pinterest board... it has lots of great ideas!). 

Also, it can feel so insulting being called his "girlfriend" or saying "my boyfriend" when I'm so much more than that.  We share a home and are helping raise each others children.  That's not a girlfriend.  A girlfriend by it's very definition is an impermanent thing and I don't want impermanent.  Instability is what scares me into my hole & is what makes me afraid of shutting the cage door.  The big thing is that living together is unpleasing to God and I know this.  This is why the pressure is really on for me.  I don't want to live like this forever, although it can be really tempting, simply because I want God's best for my life.

So frustrating.  I don't know what I want.  But I want him to know what he wants.  To be continued....

lurve you, xoxo v.