Riding the quake

Okay, so I'm here.  I didn't think I would be, at least on some stubborn, prideful level.  I was going to close up shop forever, bring the walls up high so that no one will know what's going on in my life or in my mind.  That's not true...it's mostly one person in particular that I wanted to keep out.  I had that comment box on the side of my blog and one day, I found this...

"So I guess all that stuff about you being a 'Christian' is pretty much 'bullshit' huh?"

I'm going from memory because I deleted it, but that's pretty close to what it was.  And I'm pretty sure I know who it was.  And it not only pierced me, but it pissed me off.  Not one person out there is without a faulty history.  Every person has lied, stolen, cheated, etc in some way or another.  Some sins seem more blatant or "bad", but really they aren't.  Not in God's eyes. 

So, who do you think you are saying that to me?  Yes, I'm a Christian, but I am also (unfortunately) capable of saying FUCK YOU.  How dare you say something like that to another human being...especially if you claim to be a Christian yourself!  So, to the person who had the nerve to write that... GO FUCK YOURSELF.  Just because you've obviously lived a charmed life where you've never really had to endure much of anything, doesn't mean you get to puke your holier-than-thou judgment all over me.   My advice?  Stay away from my blog if you don't want to know what's going on in my life...let me rephrase...if you can't handle what happens in my life.  

 So what brought me back here when I thought it was closed up for good?  I had a bit of a lightbulb moment yesterday when I was talking with a friend.  I was talking about the earthquake last week and saying how I didn't get freaked out because it was mild, but if I were in a strong one I most definitely would freak out.  I was questioned about this and I replied, "because it speaks to a higher level in me...what do you do when your whole world is shifting and shaking and you can do nothing to control it?  That sums up so much of my whole life!"  My friend said, "But listen to what you just said... "you can do nothing to control it."  You have to just let things happen."  I kept debating that this was exactly what could sum up my whole life & that I've always HAD to just go along with things.

Then my friend said, "But I don't think you do." 

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think you ever ride the quake, I think you try to control it."

*lightbulb moment*

As simple as it sounds, it was a huge epiphany for me.  Here I was always thinking that I was a go with the flow kind of person who (even when it was tough) rode whatever wave that came my way.  The truth is, I may have managed to survive the horrible travesties that have come my way, BUT... I did so mainly while scratching and clawing, riding that thing like a raging bull; trying with all my might to bend it and control it into my will.  At the first whiff of something being wrong, I wanted to f.i.x. it.  My friend was right, I never ever ever sat back and just released control to the universe for my fate.  The true story of my life  (and what I can give you literal examples of over and over and over) is that if I'm going to go down, dammit I'm going to go down fighting. 

It's going to be hard for me to change that because that's genuinely one of the things that I am proudest of.  I love that I am a fighter.  I love that during those ten long years that I was trapped in an abusive marriage with the evil one, that even in the midst of a nasty beating, I never knew how to cower from him.  I was so outraged that he would have the NERVE to treat me with such wrongness, that rather than cower, I became indignant and went down fighting.  Some say that was stupid; now I agree it probably was.  But it still makes me who I am...I will passionately fight for what is mine.  But when is enough enough?  Even fighters come out of their fight stances when the fight is over.  

Maybe it's time for me to fight when the fighting's necessary, but to simply ride the quake from time to time. 

My plans for zen in '10 hadn't been going so good, so as usual when I'm spinning my wheels and am not exactly where God intends for me to be, he'll give me a little help.  He gets me on track and he calms me down in order to refocus.  I have never been silenced like this before though.  He rendered me utterly mute where it came to writing and nearly forced stillness upon me.  I've felt those threats of stillness before, but as usual I fought it.  But this time, I willingly welcomed the stillness.  I was bereft and saddened and completely disenchanted with the english language.  I pulled inside of myself & couldn't bring myself to write a word...and that was okay with me. 

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't giving up, it was more that I had been sobered.  I had an experience recently that in one fell swoop stripped away every notion that I had taken stock in for the past few years.  Everything I believed was not only being taken away from me, but now I was learning the truth....the stripped-down truth and I was left with nothing but silence.  I had been sobered.

So for now, the plan is to enjoy my life.  Give my little beauties some great life experiences.  Try to remain in some of that stillness that I have found.  Learn that I don't have to have the answers and the itinerary right away, sometimes I can just sit back and wait.  Relax.  Work on regaining some of my fruit.  Stretch some life into this aging body.  Meditate some peace into this road-weary soul.  Eat healthier.  Find a therapist of some sort to begin working out the 35 years worth of issues that I have to sort through.  Most importantly, learn to ride some quakes.

p.s....
I've missed you guys.  Thanks for sticking around.

xoxo, v.