This sucks...

2017 was a great year for me.  I think 2016 and 2017 have been the best years of my life so far.  They were peaceful and I was learning and growing into my own skin.  I was going to say they were good until the very end, but even the very end was good (even though sucky things happened).

2017 was the year I decided to try dating again.  And it was awesome, honestly.  Until it wasn't.  All of a sudden, the guy was like *poof*.  He's still there, but he is having some kind of existential crisis or something about being with me.

See, he is a bit younger than me and his feelings quickly moved from casual dating into "Oh shit, I really like her.  I could even really love her. This could be a forever-thing."  The problem with that is that I have already raised a family and will not be raising another one.  He, on the other hand, has never been married, nor had children.  Now he has to deal with figuring out what he really wants in life and this has left him emotionally destroyed and figuring out some pretty heavy stuff.

I have offered to walk away which leaves him asking me to just give him some time to figure this out.  I'm like, sure I can do that.  I mean, really I have nothing BUT time.  I can do that for him.

Every once in a while, I have felt the old, familiar urge to fall into the same old emotional traps as in the past where I blame myself or feel woe-is-me.  I mean, I'm always "too much".  I've talked about this before...weak men can never keep up and say I'm too strong, too independent, joke too much, am too deep, been through too much, too whatever.  Now I'm being told that I'm too awesome and too advanced in life.  I can't f-ing win!

When it comes, I sit with the emotion and don't judge it.  But I also don't let it sweep me away.  I let it be and then I let it float away.  I don't get mired down in it.  I know that I am a great catch.  And I know that what is meant for me won't miss me.  If it misses me, then it wasn't mine and I have to be okay with that. Overall, I think I've handled it very graciously and completely unlike I would have in the past.  Here's to progress! *clink*

So, who knows what will happen with this situation.  All I can do is pray for him to have some clarity and insight on what it is that he wants so that he will make a damn decision  (This is one of those frustrated times where I'm itching to walk away, but told him I would wait for him).  This sucks.


XO, Veronica