Shifting my focus aka Shi(f)t happens

 
The latest series being preached at out church is "Jesus is..._________".  Jesus is alive, surprising, healer, etc.  Fill in the blank.  My favorites have always been protector and restorer.

So, we all know the struggles I've been facing with my lupus, chemo, etc.  I had failed to take my new chemo for a few weeks now because I was still getting over the old stuff and knowing just how sick I had gotten had scared me enough to procrastinate about the new stuff.  When I got my first set of labs drawn after starting the whole process, all of my inflammation tests were cut in HALF!  Because of that I was somewhat encouraged, but was still scared.  I don't have the luxury of being sick, you know?  I don't live a charmed life where I have a husband to take care of me and pay the bills.  It's me, myself and I.  Which is fine by me, but that means I have to get up and go to work whether I like it or not. 

I have FMLA, but the few times I've used it, I've had to listen to B**ch Director give a long, exasperating exhale/sigh into the phone receiver.  I mean, come on.  Really?  Does every person that gets into leadership have to become such stank b**ches (yes, the MEN too!)? Because of this, I go to work even when I'm on death's door.  I know every B**ch Director in the world is probably saying, "And that's exactly why we act that way!  So you'll be intimidated and not want to call off!"  To this I respond... BULLROAR!!  Have you ever heard of servant leadership?  There are much kinder and gentler ways to get what you want that also won't be so harsh on your karma.  But I digress; that's a whole different blog.

Anywayyyyssss...

So, Saturday's message at church was one of the most emotionally moving ones I have been in for years.  Literally.  It was very touching and shook my jug in a lot of ways.  Not only is the whole "healing" thing close to my heart right now, but our Pastor, who is only a few years older than me, just received a pretty devastating diagnosis within the past several weeks, then a few weeks ago, found out it's even worse than they originally thought.  First he was diagnosed with Parkinson's.  Now he's also diagnosed with Multiple System Atrophy, which is a neurogenic disorder that starts shutting down each of your body systems one by one.  The prognosis is 2-9 years maximum after diagnosis.  Devastating.  I mean, we all could be looking at that kind of life sentence, or even shorter for that matter, but to know that it's all downhill from here and that not only will you be facing the end soon and won't grow old with your wife or see your grandchildren, but you will most likely be becoming severely disabled rather rapidly?  Wow.  That's a lot to absorb.  During this sermon, the pastor said something to the effect that he is actively praying for healing, but even if God chooses not to heal, he will live every day doing the best he can because whether the body is being destroyed or not, it is still the temple of God and he will honor it until God calls him out of it.

Right there.  That got me.

At the end of the service we all prayed for the pastor and his health, then as soon as they asked if anyone wanted to come forward for the elders to lay their hands on and pray for them, I bolted to the front.  You know how ridiculous I am?  As I'm heading to the front of the church for healing from this dreadful disease, all I can think of is that my feet have gotten sweaty inside of my high heels after sitting there all that time and I don't want to slip and fall.  My prayers went something like this... "Lord, please heal me of this lupus, I know you can... and please don't let me slip and fall.  Not even almost slip and fall.  Please let me get to the front and don't let me look stupid in any way, okay?  Oh, and please heal my lupus.  Help me to get healthy.  But please Lord, please, don't let me fall."  I know, I know.  Now you know how God feels listening to me all the time.

After this service, I felt different.  I felt as if something was new.  I believe that God is doing His thing.  I know it and I feel it.  The issue I then faced was, do I take the medicine or not?  I don't want to be like the idiots people who don't take blood transfusions when they need them.  I mean, maybe that's how God was sending your healing!  Like Allison says, don't put God in a box!  Don't limit Him to one way of working in your life.  So I started praying about it and asking if I should take the pills or not.  And I never heard anything back.  Yesterday, first my grandma and then my mom each asked if I started taking my pills yet and I confessed that I hadn't.  And then today I decided that I would.  Those words that the pastor spoke about taking care of my body were kind of haunting me and I believe that God honors obedience.  I don't want to not be doing what I'm supposed to be doing just because I'm afraid, or am supposedly waiting for instructions, so I thought about what I tell my kids when they say, "well I didn't know you wanted me to still be doing that because you haven't said anything in a while."  I always reply, "But you knew what I had told you to do before, so until you hear something different, you just keep doing what you were told to do."  God hasn't told me to do anything different, therefore I will take the pill.  He will either tell me to stop, or the doctor will when my lab results come back looking good. 

God had to get me through the misery of the first set of meds and to a place where my thoughts and focus could be shifted to a place of seeing taking this medication as an offensive thing in order to take care of this temple and not a defensive thing as in I'm being attacked and it's making me sick.  Sometimes you have to believe in the power of just doing it and showing up.  Suit up, show up... something's gonna happen.  Amen and amen.

lurve you, xoxo v.