7.31.2011

Big bad wolf



I can't remember the last time I was struggling this hard.  I feel so full of resentment, hurt and rejection that I can hardly breathe.  It feels like a living, breathing, tangible creature crawling around inside of me that will reach out and grab someone if I walk too close to them.  He's being very friendly to me since our last argument.  However, not much has changed.  I am still an afterthought to him.  I am still not a priority or a desire.  I never will be.  I know that.  We'll file that under things my intuition is telling me today that I am ignoring and pretending will all be okay.  Let's see.  What else can I come up with?
  • That I'm living with his representative and that he really hasn't or won't be changing.
  • That we don't love each other, we're just trying to make the best of it because we've come this far, why not see if it all works out.
  • That he is definitely not husband material, so why am I wasting my time?
  • He could care less about my needs, wants and/or desires.
  • He still has himself listed as single on FB and still comments on that girl from the dating websites statuses and pictures 100% more than he ever has mine.
  • He is turned off by me and thinks sex with me is disgusting.
  • I see him just as much on the weekends as I do on the weekdays, which is next to zero.
  • This is wrong.  I shouldn't be here.  I want to run away.
Every time I think of things like this, I get this overwhelming mixture of sadness and anger towards Collin.  I'm so mad at him.  I'm so hurt by him.  Every time I pay attention to my gut and acknowledge that I'm not being treated right, I getter madder at Collin because I shouldn't be here getting treated wrong by a man, any man, who doesn't deserve me and is never going to treat me right.  It's his fault that I'm here and not there.  Why not just leave and try to find someone better?  Because there is no one better.  They're all fucked up asshole individuals.  Why trade in this screwed up jerk who doesn't treat me right only to find another screwed up jerk who doesn't treat me right?  Why go through the bother and trauma?  The only man who has ever treated me right was Collin.  And even he's gone.  So why bother?

And I keep praying.  I keep asking God to please heal these areas in me so that I quit feeling the rejection the way I do, so that I react like He would react and not how my flesh wants to react, that He would heal this garbage.  And yet here I still am.  I'm at a loss and I quit.  I really really quit.
lurve you, xoxo v.

7.15.2011

As it should be


Just talked to my girls and now I'm crying like a baby and can't seem to turn it off.  Courtney took the girls to a carnival tonight and Darren was there.  They all said he was in a good mood and spent lots of time with the girls, holding their hands and watched the fireworks with them.  Courtney said he tried to call me but there was no service where they were and he said to tell me that he loves me and hopes he sees me soon.  I asked her if she was just saying that to be nice and she promised she wasn't.

I wonder if he knows how happy it makes my heart to have things as they should be.  I wonder if he knows how my heart cries tears of happiness to have him happy and a part of our family, loving and accepting love.  I wish I could put my arms around him and hug his neck and kiss his cheek.  Even if it doesn't last, tonight my heart is blessed and I am happy.  My cup runneth over.

lurve you, xoxo v.

Truth


lurve you, xoxo v.

7.09.2011

Friday five


  1. Sorry I've been MIA.  Usually when there's a lot going on I tend to disappear.  Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have SO much to say and am too lazy and or busy to put it in writing.  You know, I say I have a lot going on and I kind of do, but it really feels as if I do nothing but work.
  2. Which brings me to number 2.  There was a new role created for me at work.  I started it on Monday and am so grateful for it.  It gives a little more flexibility in case I need to call off when I'm sick, although I'm certainly not driving less or working less hours (unfortunately).
  3. So I was finally able to go in and have an ultrasound done to see if we could figure out more specifically what was going on with the heavy bleeding.  I do have a small fibroid, but other than that there is nothing to be seen, so they continue to think it's the lupus causing the bleeding.  Since I'm starting to become anemic, I was given three options.  Go on high doses of hormones indefinitely, knowing that if I ever stop them I will begin the bleeding again.  (Just an aside... is that really an option??  I can't IMAGINE.)  Second, I could have a hysterectomy.  Third (and the one I'm choosing for now), I could have a procedure done where they do an oblation and destroy the inside of my uterus with scalding liquid which should pretty much stop any bleeding forever (it's called thermachoice if you want to look it up).  *sigh*  This comes with a ton of mixed feelings.  Relief is one.  I'll be glad to be off of all of these hormones and because it would be dangerous to the baby or me to get pregnant after that procedure, they would be putting plugs in my tubes at the same time and so I wouldn't need any birth control ever again.  This is an attractive idea, but it also brings some melancholy about the thought of never having another baby.  It's weird because I decided LONG ago that I was done having kids, but to now have it decided for me and permanently shut that door forever whether I like it or not makes me sad.  I actually had a dream last night that I chose to have a baby instead of the procedure (JUST a dream people!), so I think my subconscious is mourning a little bit.  My doctor is going on vacation, so it will be a few weeks before it's done.  I wonder if it's just a short-term solution to a long-term problem and if I wouldn't be better served just having the hysterectomy from the get-go, but it's the difference between two days off of work vs. up to six weeks off.  I just don't have the luxury of being sick and off of work that long.  Plus, with my lupus so out of control lately, I think it would be foolish to purposely go into some major surgery on purpose when I have a more quiet alternative available.  So, first things first.  Let's pray that the insurance authorizes it and that everything goes smoothly.  I have to be put under which FREAKS ME OUT.  I'm thinking I should update my will and everything before that day.  Ugh.
  4. Life on the home front is good.  Prayers were finally answered and Paul was sent a good full-time job in the field that he was in for 19 years.  It only took nearly TWO years!  This economy is whack yo.  And get this... it was sent to him the week his unemployment ran out.  (Hello?  Yay God!)
  5. I miss my kids.  I don't feel like I've had any kind of a summer vacation even though they're gone because I've been working such ridiculous hours and because Paul's kids have been here (way more than scheduled).  Even though things are good and they are wonderful kids, I get so claustrophobic sometimes.  I just like (need) my space and sometimes I just want to sit in the quiet in my underwear and not be accountable to anyone in the whole world.  I don't want to talk, smile, converse, hug, cuddle or watch tv with you.  What I want is q-u-i-e-t and space.  If I needed to sum up my home right now, I would say "noise pollution."  And it's not even loud.  I'm just over people being in my space for a while.  All of this?  Leads me right back to the whole "I'm not the marrying kind" debate.  How can I be so into "love" and all that means and yet I want people to go away?  Are those things compatible?  Am I destined to be like Woody and Mia who had their separate apartments & would merely wave at each other through their windows across central park?  We all know how well that worked out.
lurve you, xoxo v.
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