Something in therapy today made me think of this post,
so I went back and looked it up.
We were talking a bit about how I'm
made up to be a passionate person,
who might fall hard sometimes,
but it's because I live big.
I said, "Hey! I actually wrote a blog on that a few years ago."
So, I'm reposting it here. A little blast from the past,
it was originally posted 4/17/06.
I can feel it happening day by day and let me tell you, I love the process. I am in awe of the process. The process of healing is what I'm talking about. I'm in awe of what happens in this life...of what God does...if you just allow the processes to happen. And some processes don't even need our cooperation! Sometimes they happen whether we allow them to or not. Look at the human body! Hearts beating, breathing happening, cells regenerating, cycles of hormones, thoughts, memories, desires, impulses.....even sleep. If I looked at any one of you right now and said "SLEEP!"....you wouldn't be able to. You could only lay down and relax and give into the process. Same with having an orgasm if you think about it. If you're too tense, thinking about it too much, sick, etc....you won't be having one anytime soon. All you can do is try to make the circumstances right and give into the process...and if you're lucky, you'll get lucky.
The Bible talks about walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It doesn't talk about staying there forever. When you've been going through some tough stuff the only way you'll stay there is if you fight God step-by-step and insist on staying there. If you give into the natural process you will...eventually...move out of the valley. And that's what's happening with me. I'm moving through...and amazingly quickly might I add. I have no doubt that the difference has been blogging. Some people may tire of reading about all of my emotional ups and downs and all I can say to them is....TOUGH! lol If you don't like it you can surely find another blog to read in this blog-heavy day and age. I'm not writing for you anyways!
I was watching tv today and a woman being interviewed was talking about how we need to "go for it! Because you only have about ten seconds before you become just a whisper." Wow. So true. And I have to say that even subconciously I usually live by that creed. Whether I like it or not, whether you like it or not lol, I've always been a very passionate person. I love hard. I mean hard. When I love, I love all the way. My loyalty is fierce and I will go to any length to protect my loved ones and also to make them feel important. Unfortunately, as I talked about in my last blog...everything has an equal but opposite reaction....which means I hurt just as hard as I love. It's just like going to Cedar Point and climbing onto their newest, tallest, fastest roller coaster. In order to get the most thrill you have to have the tallest hills. But tall hills mean long drops. And don't forget about all of the twists and turns and the little tiny hills that give you lots of air time where you just seem to be floating. That's my life. I could choose to live a safe life. I could choose to deny my nature and the personality I was made to have....but what fun would that be? Why would I choose to be the old-fashioned cars that only drive around in circles under shade trees when God created me to be a roller coaster?
Personally, the highs are worth the lows to me. I know that there will never be a low that I can't handle. There will never be a valley that God doesn't walk me through. Honey, I have been through WAAAAAYYYYY too much in this lifetime..... the only thing stopping me permanently is death. And even that doesn't scare me because I know where I'm going. I don't look forward to the lows by any means, but I know that I will be okay. It takes time for the process to take place, but time heals all wounds...and I will be okay eventually. I'm like teflon for bitterness.....it tries to hit me but slides right off every time. LOL And praise God for it! :)
It made me think of the song "100 Years". It talks about the different stages of life and how you're only at that stage but for a moment. How true. Just a few moments ago I was 16. Another moment ago I was holding one of my newborn babies in my arms staring in amazement. And another moment ago I was on my knees on my living room floor in the middle of the night in sheer despair while listening to my daughter tell the detectives what her step-dad had done to her. That was over three years ago now. And we're doing great. Time marches on. The train comes down the hill it just climbed up. And eventually the ride comes to an end. When my ride comes to an end I don't want to say, "man I wished I had just let go and enjoyed that more!" No. I want to have my eyes open in wonder. I want my hands up in the air, sometimes screaming on my way down the hills...but knowing that I felt every second of the ride.
Sometimes I don't realize people outside of my "circle"
don't know what the hell I'm talking about
until I see the puzzled look on their faces.
Some of the things have just come naturally to me,
like "Up theirs" (his/yours/hers/everyones)
or "It's all about the kitty".
Some I have stolen from friends,
like "Shit the bed," "B'GAWK" (although Maribel never remembers
saying that 20 years ago and doesn't take credit for it, so I guess it's all mine),
"Bullroar" (instead of bullsh*t),
or "Big ass dog! BIG. ASS DOG!"
Many are from my kids. Just because they're retarded but oh so fun.
Such as "Dook".
As in "I feel like dook."
Many, come from movies I love.
As a matter of fact, maybe I'll work on a mandatory viewing list
for my readers, so that y'all can get the references when they're thrown out there.
I'll start with Friday (all three of them)
("You ain't got to lie Craig!", "Damn Felicia, you betta get on!", "Man, you KNOW I want some koolaide!", "Dang! Y'all ain't NEVER got two things that match!", "You know how WE do!", "PIMP DOWN!"),
Juno ("Well! We've gotta get you healthy!", "Silencio old man!", "Geez Banana, shut your freakin' gob!"),
Elf ("I love to smile. Smiling's my favorite.", "Bye Buddy, hope you find your daaaad",
"Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?", "Ooooooo, VERY sucky!"),
When Harry Met Sally ("Pecannnn Pieeeeeee"),
any of the Chris Rock stand-up specials ("You know you did it, jus' admit it!", "Oh helll no! No lef' turns from now on, muthafucka", "Cracka ass cracka!", "Wanna hit her, can't hit her. But you can shake the shit out of her!",
the Eddie Murphy stand-up where he
was in the red leather outfit. Remember that one? ("These ain't no ORDINARY Ritz crackers!" or "Damn baby! Tha's nasssssty!),
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation ("That thar's an aaaaarrrrrvee."),
Harry Burns: I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
How many times in this one little lifetime will I be rendered speechless with grief? How many times do I need to be blindsided by tragedy and heartbreak? I'm not saying that in a "whoa is me" type of way really. No, if you look at it, it's a legitimate thing. Shit just doesn't stop happening. And before anyone out there makes some snarky comment about it maybe being karma, be careful where you point that finger, my friend. Everyone has some karma coming, so don't be so quick to wish it on someone else.
But I digress.
Sunday evening, my heart broke. Something I never saw coming came. I thought this news was as bad as it could get that day. It was pretty shocking and sad at first, but I slowly began to get a grip. My breathing eventually slowed, and then the tears slowed. I began to get talked off of the ledge about it and be able to begin being slightly optimistic about the future of my family.
Then, as usual, I was sucker punched. Again. As usual, I never saw this coming. This time, my heart shattered. I was blinded by a mixture of fear, panic and rage. Who knew that one little sentence over a text message could start such a landslide? The words, "You need to take me to the hospital." I never again want to read those words. Especially not right on the heels of already earth-shaking news.
I immediately raced home to gather up one of my little ducks. My little duck who is sick. Not physically sick, but so overwhelmingly heart-sick, that it made her not want to hang on anymore. The words I said as a plea to her when she was a sick little newborn.... "Just stay....." well, she's held onto her end of the bargain so far. There've been many times I was afraid she would go, but she's always held on. Well, Sunday night, her heart became just too flooded to hang on..... and she tried to go.
Just when I think there aren't any more ways to break my heart, I am proven wrong. I was so conflicted with a desire to just love her, and a desire just as strong to be mad at her. For the first time ever, and hopefully the last, I discovered what it feels like to have your crying move beyond tears or even sobbing and be overcome with wailing and weeping. I screamed, I cried, I cussed and wanted to punch things. I was overwhelmed with fear and love and rage and panic. The thought of all the ways I have fought for her over her whole lifetime... to keep her safe, healthy, happy, avenged, loved.... and she was trying to go out like this??? By taking two hands full of pills??? NO! DAMNIT ALL! NO!!!! I WILL NOT STAND BY AND WATCH THIS HAPPEN. DEVIL, YOU WILL NOT GET MY GIRL! AND DAMNIT COURTNEY, I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF!
I knew I needed to love her, but at the same time, I was raging. I was devastated. I reacted all over the place. Whoever got in my way these past few days has received a part of my reaction. I have displaced anger everywhere and the grief comes and goes. HOW can she not know how loved she is? HOW can she give up so easily? And for WHAT? HIM? Doesn't she know how wonderful she is? How beautiful and amazing she is? How valuable she is? Doesn't she know? How can she not know? Somehow, she doesn't know.
But today she is doing okay. She stayed. I can't ask for much more than that at this point.