It was kind of a rough evening. I was at work, yet had a terrible time concentrating because I have been worried about someone I care about. This person has been bullied & abused by people around her for too long & tonight as I watched the bullies branching out into the reaches of people I care about to hurt and attack, I found myself seeing red.
When people I love are attacked, I defend.
I fiercely defend.
As bad as I felt for unleashing a little bit on these bullies, I still had to take a step back and pat myself on the back because the "old" Veronica would have probably taken off their faces. My mouth would have pierced and they would have felt it. I have to say that even at its worst, it wasn't too bad. I still handled it with some grace. Mostly because I didn't want my friend to suffer the backlash (that was inevitable, unfortunately). These people are lucky that I love her so much. Sincerely lucky. It's only because of my love & respect for her that I backed down as much as I did, because my instinct was to go after them. Instead, I backed off & removed myself from the situation. Definitely progress.
These bullies? I hope karma finally catches up with them in their sad, mean-girl lives. I have stood by for too many years and watched them at work & now I'm officially over it. I have watched them bully, throw temper tantrums, be two-faced and selfish and for the most part I have kept my mouth shut. No more. The ties are cut. They are not MY family & I have no obligation to humor their dysfunctional, abusive crap. They are the kind of people I have no desire to associate with and don't ever plan to again. I wish my friend would do the same. Unfortunately, these people mean more to her than they deserve to mean & she won't walk away. All I can do is pray for the whole situation because I know that I cannot sit idly by and watch the destruction of my friend. I cannot and I will not. They can point their nasty attitudes toward someone who is an easier target because I have officially washed my hands of the whole situation.
At work, just as in life, no matter how scary a situation is, I have hope because I don’t have to carry the burden alone.
During a crisis, people emerge from all over the place to pitch in and raise the sick up to health and strength.
Someone may be starting an IV while someone else inserts a catheter. Someone else is dealing with respiratory issues while someone else is dealing with cardiac issues. Someone else is a runner to the supply room while someone else is on the phone to the doctor and family. Someone else might be staying out of the way and praying quietly.
No two people do the same thing. Each one has been assigned a different task and everyone meets their part of the larger need until the stability occurs.
Isn’t that how life goes too? During times of need, people emerge from all over the place to pitch in and raise us up.
Someone may be calling just to talk, someone may be sending an encouraging message. Someone may be helping with a financial need while someone else is helping pick up children. Someone else might be giving a much needed hug while someone else might be staying out of the way and praying quietly.
No two people do the same thing. Each one has been assigned (divine assignment) a different task and everyone meets their part of the larger need until the stability occurs.
It doesn’t always make it easier to get through the traumas, but I always put one foot in front of the other because I never have to carry the burden alone.
I go back to counseling today. I slept right through my appointment time the other day *shame rattle*. Where I used to dread every appointment, I actually have peace about it now. Don't know if it will stay that way after I go picking all the scabs off again, but I can now see that it's all worth it.
Speaking of worth it... The Suitor is still around. Yep, still can't find anything wrong with him! He's just one of the nicest, most genuine guys I think I've ever met. AND, he thinks I'm the shit, so it all works out. :) I reserve the right to change my mind at any time, but at this point I'm thinking he's going to be around for a while.
Let's see, what else is going on? Not much other than that really. Just work & hanging out with him is about all. Oh and Allison's wedding is next week. So I'm busy getting my dress altered & getting packed, etc. After the wedding, I get to bring my beauties home with me *woot*. Missing them something terrible. Of course, I won't be able to walk around in my underwear (or worse) anymore, but it's worth the trade-off. It's almost their birthdays, so I'm trying to figure out something to do with them. They want hamsters and I'm all like "GAH! I don't want any pets!" *jazz hands* But I think I might actually break down and let it happen.
I haven't been to counseling in three weeks. There were scheduling conflicts and then I got sick, then she got sick.... long story short, I think it was God's protective hand that put a halt to things for a little while. My kick-butt summer of healing didn't go quite as planned because as usual, I push myself too hard and am way too unforgiving of my humanness.
Plainly said, I can now see that I was pushing myself too hard in this healing/therapy situation and totally believe I was pushing myself toward a breakdown. The first day of therapy missed, I had woken up from wickedly disturbing and all-too-real nightmares of the evil one and what seemed like our daily life together. I often have nightmares about him (especially when I don't take my ambien), but this one was just WAY WAY WAY too vivid and jarring. Coincidentally, that was the same day I was supposed to be starting the EMDR therapy & had found myself in the full-blown throws of losing my shit. The thought of reliving any of the trauma I have always tried so hard to repress was truly freaking me out like never before.
I think it was nothing but God's grace that he let my appointment that day get canceled. He promises that he will never give us more than we can handle and I believe all the way to my core that I had reached my "more than I can handle" point...and somewhere deep inside I really never believed I possessed such a point. A part of me (even if I hated it) believed that I was somewhat bullet-proof after everything I've gone through. I now think I was wrong. The cumulative effects of years of damage being heaped on me finally grew to a weight I was ill-equipped to carry.....
And that's when God showed up.
Oh, I know he's here all the time. Believe me, I know. But sometimes He's more of an active participant than a lurker and I think that one particular day, he showed up in a knight in shining armor kind of way that I've never been conscious of before. I may never see another day like that again (I pray not anyways), but I can now see in an emblazoned, technicolor way that his protection is real. Even when we are willingly stepping in front of the bus, sometimes he locks the brakes up before it can reach us. Thank you Lord.
The snide, judgmental words "The purple haze of Jesus" still sometimes ring through my mind. It's times like this that I sincerely hope that someday that person (people) know what it feels like to have the God of all the universe have your back. There's nothing that can compare. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am happy. I am peaceful. I am loved.