8.31.2008

Graphic of the day




Stuck in my head





Who has two thumbs and keeps peeing her pants??? THIS GIRL!!!

I'm convinced I have whooping cough. No joke--two weeks into this mess and this coughing is killing me. I can be relatively fine for hours and then these spells just come on me where I can't control anything--the coughing takes over like an all-powerful force--and we can all guess what happens when a thirty-something-woman-with-four-kids starts on a ten-minute coughing fit.... yeah. I'm so tired of peeing my pants y'all!!! I'm a college-educated adult with a relatively good income. I have raised children, accomplished many things, am partially done writing my first book---and yet.... I can't quit peeing my freakin' pants several times a day!!! Whoever said that doing all of those kegel exercises would keep away the pee monster LIED! Because this sister is a kegeler! And yet....I am having flash-forwards of my adult diaper days way too often for comfort. This is getting old. I go to the doctor on Tuesday and Lord willing he will have some miracle to hand out to me! That or some depends! *sigh*

8.30.2008

That's amore!



"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amoreeeeeeee!" I sing after I realize that as I am changing my clothes and bending over to pick something up, I am standing smack-dab in front of my bedroom window that faces an extremely busy street. Of course the blind was shut, but I'm always sure it's never shut just quite enough to prevent someone driving by from glancing at my house at just the precise moment to see my white butt staring at them out of my bedroom window.
As soon as I begin singing Scott realizes why I'm singing, giggles and then joins in my little song. It's hillarious to me that THIS would be the first situation in a long time that made me enjoy my husband and feel like we were bonding. ;)

8.29.2008

Three whole years of blessing the blogiverse with my GENIUS!


Happy Birthday to muh blog!
Happy Birthday to muh blog!
Happy Birthday to muh bloooo-o00g!
Happy Birthday to muh blog!
And a *pinch* on your little blog heiney for another inch!

My heart is a little sad and disappointed that it is now 11 pm and I am JUST getting home and sitting down after starting at 5am this morning. Long story for another blog, but I am SO TIRED and I have to get up in about 51/2 short hours to do it all again tomorrow! *sigh*
With that being said, I'm going to commence with celebrating my blog--my virtual portrayal of me to the world. I don't have time tonight to go forward with the HUGE shindig that I had planned, so I'll stick to something relatively simple and just celebrate it's existence and a little bit about WHY it exists.
First of all, thank you so much for all of the people who love me AND love my blog. I know many, many faithful readers that love even more to lurk in the shadows. That's ok--at least you're here. I appreciate you!
So why does this place exist to begin with? Well, short-story is that I was depressed and needed an outlet for my thoughts and feelings, which happened to coincide almost perfectely (God-thing!) with and a few close friends wanting to get closer to each other and get caught up with each other's lives.
We started out on Yahoo 360 and the name of my blog was:

"Sometimes a whisper, sometimes a bang....

Quiet observations and sometimes noisy clanks of a girls life in progress..."

I loved and enjoyed blogging in this community so much and our group came to life! The "Blogging Babes (plus Greg)" was born! We grew closer and I began to allow the cathartic process of journaling to heal my life. Time and some small problems brought a sad end to the bloggin' babes on 360 and many of us moved over to myspace. Tick, tock--time moves forward 2 1/2 years and the effects of our blogging are vast. There are some communities that I belong to that are private (where I REALLY share my feelings--and NO I won't tell you where it is! It's my private blogging place and you basically need to win a golden ticket to get in. lol). Now I have my page here on blogspot.
It's been down many roads and had many looks, this blog, but it is still here chugging along day after day. As long as there is a ME around, there will be my blog. It is a reflection of where I am in every area of my life. I love it and it is part of me--I know, a little schmarmy McSchmarmerson. That's ok. Happy Birthday blog. I hope you serve me well for years to come. You witness my growth--and need for growth. You celebrate with me and mourn. Basically, you're my best friend and I wish you all the happiness (and comment-leaving visitors) that life can bring. I heart you! Happy Birthday friend!




8.27.2008

Almost Happy Birthday

Because as this blogoversary approaches, I need to take every opportunity I can to remind myself of the blessings in my life. God, children, family, home--even spouse. The idea of my spouse is a much bigger blessing than the real thing sometimes, unfortunately. I'm reposting this as a reminder to me of how it once was (even if was a short-lived illusion). Maybe I can convince myself along with everyone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Late Valentine (2/15/07)


When yesterday didn't go anything like I was hoping for I have to admit I was feeling a little sorry for myself and decided that I wasn't going to write this blog since I know Scott won't read it anyways. Well, I decided that I don't care if he ever reads it or not...I'm going to write it anyways. Maybe not as long and involved as I first thought, but at least something written as an ode to my valentine. Not just my valentine, but my forever valentine. The one that I will wake up to every day for the rest of our lives. The one who's hand reaches for mine under the covers at night. The one I can spend countless and endless hours with laying in bed watching tv. The man who's voice I can't wait to hear on the other end of the phone. I love finding little poems from you in my messages or on my desk. I may not always love every thing you do or say, but I always love you. I may hate fighting with you but there's no one on this earth that I'd rather fight with....because I know that you're as committed as I am to making our lives better and growing and learning from things. I love when you pray with me. I love when you take our family to church and in the midst of worshipping you have one hand raised to God and one hand reaching to hold mine. You teach me so many things and I hope you can learn from me too. I love you to the stars and back and I don't mind every new day that comes now because I know I'm with you. When I said my vows to you I meant every single word that I said and so I'm going to copy them on here as a reminder to us both...

Scott to Veronica:

"Veronica, I love you. Today is a very special day. Long ago you were just a dream and a prayer. This day is like a dream come true... the Lord himself has answered that prayer. I thank Jesus for the honor of going through life with you. Thank you for being what you are to me. With our future as bright as the promises of God, I will care for you, honor you and protect you. I lay down my life for you, Veronica, my friend and my love."

Veronica to Scott:

"Scott, I dreamed about you for so many years wondering where you were and if I'd ever see you again...and here you are. To marry the person you have set your heart upon from the very beginning is rare and I'm so grateful for the gift from God that is you. I choose you to be my friend, my lover, the father of my children and my husband... loving what I know of you, and trusting what I do not yet know. Though life may not always be as perfect as it is at this moment, I vow to always keep my love as pure as it is today. I promise to try not to be quick to anger. I promise to keep a sense of humor. I promise to keep the good memories alive and let the bad ones die. I vow to be patient with you and the circumstances in our lives. And I promise to always act in your absence as I would in your presence. Sometimes you see yourself and your body as broken...but in my eyes you are perfect...perfect for me. I promise to encourage your compassion, because in you I see a servant's heart. I promise to nurture your dreams, because they are what make you unique and wonderful. I promise to help shoulder our challenges, because together we will be better than we could be alone. I love you."

Forever and ever amen.

Stuck in my head

From the movie Juno:




The Moldy Peaches






Juno & her boyfriend singing it--it depends on what mood I'm in on which one I like better.




8.26.2008

What a girl wants


What I want:
For it to be a comfortable 71.5 degrees all year round.
My old pants to fit past my thighs again
A cute haircut after the unfortunate ambien moment I had the other night. Oh well, I'm just going to pretend that I did it on purpose and claim to be bringing sexy back in the form of the unfortunate-5th-grade-bangs (you all know what I mean---everyone has a bad 5th grade picture after their moms tried to cut their bangs the night before and got them way too short and a bit crooked. Yeah, I thought so.). Trust me on this--whenever your bangs try to convince you that short bangs are a good thing (when you're used to long, side-swept bangs), just tell it to shut up.

A man that's smarter than me who will give me good "brain" on a regular basis.
While I'm at it, I want a man who appreciates my sometimes biting wit and actually gets it. A guy who when such wit comes spewing out of my mouth doesn't look at me like I'm satan or worse yet, IGNORE me like he's not even going to dignify my genius with a response. HOW did I marry someone who is not one of "us"??? And by "us" I mean me and the voices.




Almost Happy Birthday

Blogoversary is in three days!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just stay (1/27/07)



The wind was bitter cold blowing against our tear-stained faces. We were standing in the middle of a January-in-Cleveland snow hugging each other on the sidewalk in front of the counseling center trying to make some kind of ammends after the mess that had been our week. I've seen so many things. I've travelled so many roads. I have so much life under my belt for my short 34 years that it's easy for me to look at this situation and start to rationalize some things and to just have a basic faith that it's going to be ok. But she doesn't. She's looking at this with her 15-year-old brain and it scares her and it changes who she is. I hate that. She's so much like me. She's passionate and she's impulsive. She's dramatic and likes to think out loud...alot of times instantly regretting what just came out of her mouth. And like me she's also prone to depression...and that scares me. Will she do something to hurt herself? Will she run away? That's why standing in the middle of the cold sidewalk I held her and reminded her that "we can get through anything...it's always been you and me Courtney...I was the very first person to ever see your face and I will be the last one standing there with you in the end...I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON YOU."

I was only 18 years old and thought I was grown. I had been married for almost two years, I lived 1200 miles away from home and I had just had a baby...what a journey I had before me. What lessons still to come. But here I was with this tiny little girl all pink from laying under the bili lights, iv's in her arm for the antibiotics (she was septic from being born with group b strep). I sat night after night in the nursery all alone...just me and her. Occassionally a doctor would mosey through and stand behind my rocking chair handing me a tissue, the nurses were horrible...i won't even go there...but in the still of the night it was just me and her. I would watch her...and cry...pray...and cry...stare at her face while begging her to nurse...and cry. And I would just look at her and think...I know you don't feel good, and I know this is going to be hard...but I'm here for you...you and me...I won't give up on you...JUST STAY...please don't go. Get mad...get loud...just stay.

It's amazing that 15 years later I'm still silently whispering the same things to her. I know this is hard Courtney...I know this process doesn't feel good...but I'm here for you...you and me...I won't give up on you...lets do whatever it takes to get better...just stay.



From the desk of Ms. VJB

To: Allison_at_home, Shawnda_at_home, Rachel_at_home, Megan_at_work

Subject: Bickering children

After being informed that the home we JUST rented is still for sale and being shown TOMORROW, I have forced my children upstairs to clean their filthy bedrooms.

Said children are now fighting like cats and dogs and screaming things like "SHUT UP!" and "I DON'T HAVE TO SHUT UP!" at each other.

Time outs have taken place and beatings (ok, a swat on the butts) have been threatened.

I have decided to blame the toxins in the environment and the hormones added to modern meat vs. my parenting skills.

Please be advised that as aunts-in-residence you are on notice of possible need to adopt aforementioned children if they don't cease and desist immediately.



8.25.2008

Graphic of the day




Almost Happy Birthday

Fat & sassy ;) (2/3/06):



okay, I'm prefacing this post with the following statement.... WARNING!!! AMBIEN ON BOARD hahahahaha Yes, I'm sleepy blogging and we all know how dangerous and ENTIRELY too honest I get when my sleeping pill is kicking in. It's like truth serum for me and I have total amnesia in the morning! heehee I bet tomorrow I will read this and think HOLY CRAP! What the heck did I write??? Just like a month or so when I announced to the world that my life would be all better if I just got laid! I had totally signed off of the computer when I took my Ambien in order to protect myself from sleepy shopping, chatting or blogging (LOL) but when the thought strikes I have to get up and following through. I don't have much capacity to sleepy-tell-myself-no! lol

So with that being said, I was sitting here watching the Isaac Mizrahi show (another guilty pleasure) and scarfing down some Krispy Kreme crullers (HELLO! YUMMMM!) and at first I was thinking "bad prednisone! I just can't put the food down today! No appetite for a week and now look out! I'm gonna gain like 70 more pounds!". And then you know what??? As is typical when I'm stoned on sleeping pills my true self looks at my politically-correct/care what people think self and says "You ain't got to liiiiiiiiiieeee Craig" (I'll be able to tell who the "Friday" fans are from that comment). Truth is this..... My weight will ebb and flow, wax and wane just like my health, mood, bank account, etc. And although I want to feel a little better overall, I don't like myself any less when I've gained a little weight than I do when I'm down a little on the scale! I figure that not only does the FOOD (calories, fat, etc.) affect your health, but so does the way you LOOK at your food and feel about it when you eat it. If you're eating something and the whole time you're sitting there thinking "i'm so bad, this is so bad, bad, bad, bad,bad" then you change something chemically in your body. Something will turn against itself. Your metabolism will change. Etc. So if I'm going to eat something I'm going to love every single fattening & delicious moment of it!!! I'm not going to spend another minute listening to the world tell me I should hate myself or be unhappy about my body! There will be times when I'm eating as I should and I'm exercising as I should and I'm looking as I should (for the most part anyways) and that will be great. But when I have a little extra cushion... so what! I'm gonna love it! I'm gonna be fat & happy & sassy! My body is WONDERFUL! My body has carried me through every struggle and overcame! I have given birth to four healthy and perfect babies. I have made love and I have made war in this body. It is a wonderful, soft, curvy, fleshy, feminine, sexy piece of artwork handcrafted by God himself and I'm going to love and appreciate the skin I'm in no matter where I fall on the spectrum on any given day!

p.s.... I'm still totally supporting all of the people who are working their butts off (literally!) to get healthier.... you are doing an amazing job! Go you! :)



Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!

Holy schnikeys!!! I sit here daily pondering the mysteries of the universe such as: HOW HAS MY ASS GOTTEN SO BIG IN THE PAST FEW YEARS???? Then today I decided to join my friend Megan on http://www.everydayhealth.com and start counting calories and being accountable to more than my husband and kids--because let's face it, they suck at holding me accountable. They are horrible influences and I often cave to their peer pressure! They're all like, "Hey Mom, lets go to Dairy Queen!" And I'm all like, "No, we really shouldn't." And then they're like, "Oh come on, PLEASE!" And then I'm like, "Well, ok." See what I mean???
So anyways, I start plugging in my calories and WTF?? lol Yeah, I'm not doing so good. Oh well, live and learn and hopefully I will do better tomorrow. If not, at least I know how my hour-glass figure is turning into a coffee-mug figure! ;)

Cal
Fat
Sat
Chl
Sod
Crb
Fib
Sug
Pro
Breakfast









1
2 cups
Fruit Loops
160
2
1
0
200
37
1
20
1
0.5
cup
Milk, reduced fat, fluid, 2% milkfat, with added vitamin A
61
2
2
10
50
6
0
6
4

221
4
3
10
250
43
1
26
5
Lunch









7.5
2 tbsp
guacamole trader joes
225
15
0
0
1425
15
8
8
0
1
1 oz. serving
Tostitos Tortilla Chips
140
8
1
0
110
17
1
0
2
1
1
chicken chile verde burritos trader joes
360
9
2
50
960
49
3
2
21

725
32
3
50
2495
81
12
10
23
Dinner


















Snack









1
20 oz
Orange Julius® - Orange Original Drink, 20 oz. - Famously Refreshing Frothy Fruit Drink, 14 calories per ounce
270
1
0
0
10
68
1
62
1

270
1
0
0
10
68
1
62
1
Water Tracker



















Totals
Target
Balance
1216
2000
784
37
65
28
6
20
14
60
300
240
2755
2400
355
192
300
108
14
25
11
98
50
48
29
50
21


Cal
Fat
Sat
Chl
Sod
Crb
Fib
Sug
Pro
Activity


















Totals
0




8.24.2008

Almost Happy Birthday


This post was originally from December of 2005 on what would have been my dad's birthday. I decided to repost it for today's "almost happy birthday" post because it is the third anniversary of his passing. I've never been pack to his grave since the day of his funeral--not on purpose, it's just worked out that way. I think subconsciously I just wanted to close that chapter and move on. I met with him once as an adult to make peace and then I went to his funeral. If he truly was a christian like he appeared to be before he died, then I will have eternity to spend with him and I'll see him then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(12/15/05)

Ronald M. H., Jr.
"Nat"
1947-2005



Today is my dad's birthday. He would've been 58 today, but unfortunately he passed away four months ago.

Everyone knows the troubled relationship I had with my Dad when I was younger. He was a hard-living, hard-drugging, hard-drinking, motorcycle riding, womanizing, cuss-word loving man! lol I used to really hate all of these things about him and some I still do. Alot of those things are what led to his downfall....too many drugs=stroke, etc. But what has happened is that I've come to accept those things as "him" and honor him in-spite of himself.
I look alot like my mom but I look most like my dad. He was the biggest, strongest man I knew when I was a little girl! He was 6'2" and about 200#. He always had dark hair (just like mine) and a mustache. Sometimes a beard. Blue eyes. And he had a deep voice. Actually, you know who sounds like my dad when I hear him talk? Hulk Hogan. LOL Except my dads voice was just a little bit deeper.

He was a mechanic. He was also a motorcycle lover. He always had a new or different bike in the garage working on it. My mom says that she was so upset when I was born because she wanted a pretty, spotless, pink nursery for her new baby girl but because it was January and too cold to work outside he brought his motorcycle parts into the house and turned my nursery into his temporary garage! A pink layette and black grease...not a great mix. I was terrified as a little girl whenever I'd spend the night at his house because my "nightlight" was an 11x14 picture lit from below (museum style) picture of the band KISS!!!! In full makeup and tongue hanging down with blood dripping, etc. I was so scared but he thought it was the coolest picture and would just tell me to shut up and stop being a baby! Oh, fatherly love! j/k Then I had nightmares for years because he took me to the drive in to see JAWS when it first came out...I was only probaby 6 or 7. It terrified me!!! He'd sell drugs in front of me. Drink & party. I knew how to get the seeds out of weed and roll a good joint by the time I was 8 or 9 probably. He was gruff and abrasive. He used to call me into the room in front of all of his drunk and high biker buddies... "Budge!!! (that was his nickname for me since i was born...don't ask me why lol) Get in here!!! Look at my girl!! She's gonna be f****** hot as balls when she's grown!!! Look at these titties already growing!!! Any of you motherf****ers ever touch her and I'll cut your balls off!!! Now get your a** in there and get me some coffee and another beer!!!!" Yep, that was a typical weekend with my dad. He used to absolutely humiliate me.

It all came to a head when I was 16 and I told him I would come over but that I wanted to go to church sunday morning. He had a fit and became very, very verbally abusive. I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore and I never went back. He didn't give me away at my wedding. He didn't see my kids when they were born. Nothing.

I'm glad to say that before he died we made peace. When I went to see him in the nursing home I was struck by how broken & small he looked. I first saw him from behind and I recognized him immediately. He was wearing a flannel shirt like always. I recognized his hair. But he was different. He was slumped and weak. He didn't stand tall anymore. He couldn't stand at all. He was paralyzed on one side completely & partially on the other side since his stroke. He couldn't speak either. His speech was very garbled. He could try to talk but it was hard to understand. One of the thoughts I had immediately was that he had towered over people to intimidate them so many times that God wouldn't let him stand anymore. And he had raised his hands in anger so many times that now he couldn't use them at all. He had used words to hurt people so many times that now he lost his ability to be heard.

I learned a big lesson that day from my dad. Probably the biggest one my father ever taught me. I learned that I never wanted to be so rebellious and hard-headed that God has to wrestle me to the ground like that. I also learned something else. I learned that he loved me. He really loved me. I have no doubt about it and I can feel it in my soul. He loved his daughter. He just didn't know how to love me. He didn't know how to be a father. He was doing the best that he knew how to do at the time with the knowledge that he had...and failed miserably. As he sat there in his wheelchair holding one of his grandbabies on his lap for the very first time ever he was absolutely beaming with pride. He looked at me and smiled a half-crooked paralyzed smile and a tear ran down his face. He said as best as he could "this is the best birthday I've ever had." I'm crying like a baby as I write this just thinking about the look on his face, the light in his eyes and the sincerity in his voice that day. It changed my life. He even called me Veronica. I think it was the first time in my entire life that I ever heard him call me by my real name. He was trying so hard to treat me good. He wanted so bad to make me happy that day and to make peace that he was even afraid to call me by my nickname. You know, I grew up hating that nickname. But I've made peace with it. It's part of me now. At the funeral the family that I haven't seen for years referred to me as "Budge" all day and it actually felt good. It was comfortable and actually made me proud because that was a part of my dad...and I was no longer ashamed of him. I was proud of him. I am proud to admit that I am Nat daughter. I look like him. I'm stubborn like him. I can sometimes do really dumb things to my own detriment like him.

Unfortunately that was the last time I saw my father alive. That was four years ago today. I never went back. I told myself that since I had made peace with him I didn't need to see him all the time. Didn't need "that kind" of a relationship with him. I think I was afraid that it was too good to be true. That the amazing healing experience I had would be wiped out with another visit if he decided not to be good anymore. And maybe that would've happened, maybe it wouldn't have. I don't know. I regret not going to see him again. That's one thing I would do differently. But I can't change that now. I got the call on the morning of August 25th that my dad had died that morning.

Some people might think I'm crazy but he came to see me when he died. I know he did. At about 4:15 or so in the morning I woke up out of a sound sleep....wide awake. It felt like someone was in my room. (remember I hadn't gotten the call yet)The sense of presence was so strong in my room that it actually started freaking me out. I remember actually praying and telling the Lord that I didn't know what was going on, but whatever was in my room to please make it leave because it was really obvious that I wasn't alone. LOL I even put a sleeping mask over my eyes because I was convinced that if I looked around I would see something. So I came out of my room to get the kids off to school and Randy was awake out here. So I said to him "I don't know what the heck happened here last night...did you feel anything weird a couple of hours ago?" and told him what happened. He agreed that it was strange and was amazed that I woke up like that (because once i'm out, i'm out! lol) It was just then that I got the phone call telling me that my dad had died. When I asked what time he passed they said "just a little after four." Some say coincedence, but I know that I have never in my life felt anything like that and I know it was him coming to say goodbye.

As I sat at the funeral looking around at my relatives that have good hearts but are more "rough around the edges", I realized that all the years I spent being resentful that he wasn't around were actually God's hand protecting me. He had other plans for me. Since my dad didn't know how to be a dad he removed him from my life. He allowed him back in just long enough for us to make peace and for me to see my father become a Christian. Now I get to spend all of eternity getting to know my dad...the real man. Not the man being filtered through drugs, alcohol and baggage. I'm so grateful that we have a God that is so merciful. It doesn't matter what we've done or haven't done...he loves us and welcomes us into his embrace the moment we ask him to. I'm also grateful that we have a God that watches over and protects the children of parents who screw up sometimes. Not just for myself, but because sometimes I can be more like my dad than I like to admit! Like father like daughter.:)


8.23.2008

Almost Happy Birthday

As my blog is preparing to turn yet another year older, I decided to count down the days with some of my oldie-but-goody blogs. My faithful friends who have been here since the beginning will certainly remember them, but many of you may not--so enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You got your yang in my yin! (4/17/06):

Know how I know that things will get better and be different? Because it's the law. lol It's the law of nature, of the universe, of physics. For every inside there must be an outside. For ever good there must be bad. For every yin there must be a yang. If there is holiness, there must be evil. Newton's third law of motion says:
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

I don't remember much from physics class, but that has always stuck with me. That's just the way it is. If you throw a ball against a wall, it will come back to you with the same force that you threw it. It will be equal...but opposite. It's karma. It's "what you reap is what you sow."
So for every set back I've had...I know I'm going to have success. For every heartbreak I've had, I know I have that much happiness in store for me. And for all of the love I invest in people...even if I don't get it back immediately, I know that I have that much coming back to me eventually. :)

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I've been trying to wait for fall to come--but I'm just not that patient! Maybe if I change my blog to a fall layout then it will hurry along??? Well, I'm gonna try! If you happen upon this blog and it looks a hot tranny mess, then you'll know it's still under construction! :) Bear with me!


Emma quote of the day


Sitting in my living room after having barked at my girls that they needed to "chill out and be quiet", I realized that they had actually listened! It was stone quiet in there with three girls sitting next to me! Letting them know that I appreciated it was probably a big mistake because I knew that it would start the flood of noise going again, but I decided to do it anyways.

"You guys did REALLY good! Look at how quiet you're being!" As soon as I finish saying that I hear a whispering voice from my daughter who's under a blanket:

"SHAKIRA! SHAKIRA!"


8.22.2008

Almost Happy Birthday

You remind me of a girl (4/7/06)

You never know what you're going to find when you walk into a patients room. Sometimes they're nice, sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're butt naked, sometimes there's a ton of people in there...and sometimes they move you. One of my favorite things about nursing is that I get to share in the lives of so many people... I become part of their story. Part of their "dash"... you know, the dash between the years of their birth and death. In every cemetery there are countless stories in those dashes.

Sometimes God takes opportunities to remind me of all of this in order to pull me back to myself... or back to him rather. Last night he did just that. I can get so stressed and caught up in my own stuff that I lose perspective.

I was running really behind last night. 7-11 p.m. is the busiest time of my shift and I had nine patients. I had one more person to assess and was trying to just get it over with so I could get onto other things I had to do. I purposely saved him for last because he was going to have surgery to have a pacemaker put in today and I knew I would have the most work to do with him. As I entered his room I was all about business. Get 'er done! lol So I walk in and introduce myself and as I'm checking things off of my to-do list I notice that he is white as his sheet and he's just staring at me with his mouth open. Finally I take my stethoscope out of my ears and ask him if he's okay. He stammers for a second and then he says, "It's just that you remind me of a girl....." At first honestly I was thinking "that's nice pumpkin but I've got work to do, I don't have time for this." But then I noticed there were tears in his eyes and he was still staring at me. So I decided to take a moment and talk to him. I looked at him and smiled and said

oh yeah? How so?

And as I smiled he gasped and said....Oh my God! Your smile!

are you okay?

Yes, it's just that......your smile, your beautiful teeth and your beautiful dark hair....and your eyes....and your fair skin.....

Wow...if you're looking to win me over it's working sweetie! You get extra snacks tonight. (and I winked at him)

No, really....I can't believe how much you look like her. Would you be offended if I touched your hair?

No... I suppose not. (as he reaches up and touches my hair his lips start to quiver)

It's uncanny. (and he takes my hand and kisses it) I'm sorry, it's just that....I loved her and I never saw her again. It was World War II and I was in Germany. Oh how I loved her...she should've been my wife. I knew instantly that she was the one but i fought it. I was a young man in the military after all. I had plans.

So you were trouble then? lol

Yeah, you could say that...but I didn't think so at the time. The sad part is that just as I decided to stop playing games I was injured. My men were under fire and I protected them all by getting them out of the way and I had to stand in icy water and fire on the enemy to save them. No one got hurt but me....I got frostbite so bad I still have constant wounds from it (as he showed me his bandaged legs). They shipped me home wounded and I never saw her again. She never had any idea that I had decided to ask her to marry me. I left her with her heart broken and was never able to find her again..... and you look just like her.

Wow. He brought a tear to my eyes.....and a renewed softness to my heart. I was reminded of what I was really there for. Nursing has become so much about the tasks and the paperwork because of lawsuits and bureaucracy. But really nursing is about the soul and heart of the person. Doctoring is about the science, nursing is about the spirit.

My cup was filled. He was a gift to me. A simple little conversation that changed me... brought my spirit back to where it should be. We were now part of each others stories. I smiled softly at him and then kissed his hand.

As I look back on my short 33 years of life I already see so many faces and so many stories. Like the ocean waves my love has fallen differently on every shore... but it has all been love none-the-less. Thank you all for being part of my dash.


Stuck in my head





Friday five


  1. The word of the week has been: SICK. I have been down for the count miserable with bronchitis. I go from my bed to the couch and back again. I'm not well. I do feel a little better, but I don't feel good yet.
  2. The little girls went back to school this week (Courtney goes back next week). It has been a handful of days full of new experiences and a lot of anxiety. They were afraid to go to their new school but quickly realized it wasn't such a big deal. Amelia remains skeptical though and after I pointed out how quickly she made a friend while at the board of education, she quickly shot back that she was sure that was just a fluke and that she just knows she'll never make another one. lol I guess we'll see. This morning was the worst of all as they had to ride the bus home for the first time today and they were terrified. Madelaine usually does a pretty good job of being the "big girl", but this morning she was sobbing on my shoulder because she was so afraid. I gave her one of our pre-paid cellphones so that she could carry it with her and call if anything went wrong and that seemed to comfort her enough to get her day started. I prayed for them all day and by the time school ended I think they were fine. I got a few texts from her saying, "We're on!" and then, "the worst thing about this is that it's hot and I have to pee!" When all was said and done they did fine and even got home 20 minutes earlier than they were supposed to.
  3. We're looking for a church. Have a couple potential ones that we're looking at, we'll see how it plays out.
  4. Emergency room is going fine. I think I like it there because it seems a bit easier than working on the floor. Not easy as in I'm twiddling my thumbs all day, but easy as in it's pretty much routine--get 'em in, start the iv, draw labs, get them out--and clean up any puke in the meantime. This is interspersed with more ugent moments, but it's not constantly urgent. When you work the floor, you have to organize 500 things for each and every patient in your mind and that's much more draining.
  5. I still miss my friends. I was too busy last week and too sick this week to spend any time with anyone. And my dear friend Rita.... WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU??? You're not just allowed to drop off of the face of the eart--especially when you made some rather disturbing statements in your last comments on this blog. I see that you've signed into your regular myspace account--what happened to you? I don't know if I should be worried or irritated!? I miss you and am concerned--please come out of your hole and let us know that you're ok.


8.21.2008

Almost Happy Birthday

Tapestry (3/14/06)

Try to focus, even for just a moment on the face of every person you've ever met. There have been so many. Some you will never be able to recall...and others are all too familiar to you. Now imagine each of those people as a thread. Some vibrant colors, others muted. Some black. Each one being woven together on the loom of your life. In and out of each other...sometimes only a single color runs through....sometimes they work together to form a beautiful design. Sometimes the threads get tangled and form a big knot. This is your tapestry. A tapestry that is very personally yours....no two will ever be the same...just like snowflakes.

I spent all morning getting caught up on this season of "The L Word". And I just finished the episode where Dana, one of the main characters, had found out she had breast cancer and it was far worse than they originally thought after performing a mastectomy. So sad. So scary. But the part that got me was that even though in the beginning she had lied to the people in her life to protect them by minimizing what was wrong with her, after they found out what was really going on, it was like the emergency "phone tree" was activated. When she woke up from surgery all of the people in her life....past and present....were there. They didn't want her to go one moment without support....not one moment without knowing that she was loved. As a matter of fact, those were the words spoken to her when she first opened her eyes and her dear, dear friend Bette leaned in, smiled and said "I love you. Do you know that I love you?" Oh the power of that.

As Dana...still groggy-eyed from anesthesia....slowly looked around the room, her eyes rested on each and every face for just a moment. Some were new loves, some were old. Some had been tangled messes of relationships. But one thing was evident.....every face had played a part in the weaving of her tapestry.

My tapestry....what does it look like?

I can remember when I was in third or fourth grade teaching myself how to knit. My grandma had taught me how to crochet...but I wanted bigger and better things. I started to knit an afghan and I was so frustrated because whenever I would start it would be an utter mess. I didn't know how to keep a consistent tension on the yarn so all of the stitches would be different sizes. I would miss stitches and accidentally do some of them twice. I finally decided after restarting sooooo many times that I would just let this one be my "practice" one. I wouldn't restart anymore...I would just keep on going. I didn't have enough of the first thread to make it very far so I ended up having to continue with some different colors...whatever scraps my mom had to give me....and I just kept plugging along. At first I continued to have the same problems that I had all the other times, but then something happened. As I would step back and look at what I was creating I noticed that it was becoming smoother. The stitches were all starting to look the way they were supposed to look. It was looking like a real afghan! I was doing it! Yes, the first foot or so of it was an utter mess, and the colors were all screwed up....but as I went along it was getting better and better because I was learning what I was supposed to do...and I was learning which yarn would go nicely with the other yarn.

I bet that's how my tapestry looks. The beginning is probably a real mess...full of hand-me-down yarns that don't match from experiences in my young life that I had no control over. Then once I got to start buying my own "yarn"...I still didn't know what I was doing. I made mistake after mistake. Chose the wrong colors and made poor choices. But as I go along....wow....I'm actually starting to get better at this. I'm making better choices. Better decisions. I'm also choosing "threads" that are more similar and blend together better and they are all coming together to make a breathtaking design in the fabric of my life. I'm even lucky enough to have a beautiful golden thread consistently weaving throughout every row.....the name of that thread is Jesus. That was an expensive thread....it came from royalty....but I didn't have to buy it. It was a gift to me. You see the king is enthralled with my beauty...that's what the Bible says. And so even with all of the inconsistencies you can see at times if you look close enough...it's still mine...and it's beautiful. I accept each and every person who has been in my life and their designated place in my design.

~Let God be the consistent thread in an inconsistent life~

8.19.2008

Is stupidity contagious?

I got so much done today that I should get some sort of medal or something! Got Courtney's school uniforms from the "Blue Monkey" uniform shop--CHECK! Finished school supply shopping (hundreds of dollars later)--CHECK! Attended open house for the little ones--CHECK! Almost scrapped with a grandma knitting an afghan in the board of education waiting room while waiting to sign my kids up for bussing--CHECK! Yeah, I said it right. Is there something wrong with that? Doesn't everyone have that on their to-do list?
Although it sounds shameful, sadly it's true--and that grandma had it coming! I totally could've taken her if my eight-year-old hadn't held me back! Ok, so it didn't go that far. Here's the quick run-down of events.
We're sitting in a waiting room at the BOARD OF EDUCATION (um, hello!! does this not scream "CHILDREN PRESENT" to you??) and against the wall to my right there sits two women. One probably in her 30's and one in her late 50's, early 60's knitting a blanket. All of a sudden, I hear one of them say (loudly), "What's the difference between Mary Kate & Ashley? Ashley swallows!" *LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLE!*
My head spins around like I'm on The Exorcist! I lock eyes with the older one who is laughing her head off.
"Excuse me! There are CHILDREN present!" Now after this statement, I'm expecting a shocked look and maybe an apology. I always have set my expectations too high.
The older woman stares indignantly back at me, "Why are you looking at ME??? I didn't say it!" She says nastily.
"I'm not looking at you on PURPOSE--I just know that it came from one of you two and there are children present. SOMEONE needs to watch their mouth whether it's you or not!"
As the 30-something woman aka the guilty party starts to verbalize how guilty she feels, the one knitting the freakin' afghan like a mellow older woman starts yelling at me! I couldn't believe it! She screamed, "You need to ascertain your facts! I didn't say ANYTHING! ASCERTAIN YOUR FACTS!"
"I don't need to ascertain ANYTHING! And I don't know WHY you're getting snippy with me when YOU TWO are the ones at fault here!"
"NO, YOU NEED TO ASCERTAIN YOUR FACTS! YOU NEED TO ASCERTAIN YOUR FACTS!"
I sigh and respond, "Whatever..." Courtney was wanting to come out of her chair and jump on grandma. The two offenders got up and moved to a part of the waiting room far away from us, but they could still be heard saying, "We shouldn't have to watch our mouths! The kids shouldn't understand what that means anyways! IF they understand what that means then it's the PARENTS fault and they're bad parents!" I can only sigh and shake my head at the ignorance that is still floating around out there. A few years ago everyone was soooo afraid of S.A.R.S. when what they should really be afraid of cathing is stupidity!


Almost Happy Birthday

As my blog is preparing to turn yet another year older, I decided to count down the days with some of my oldie-but-goody blogs. My faithful friends who have been here since the beginning will certainly remember them, but many of you may not--so enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you think I'm beautiful? (2/17/06)

I made you some iced coffee just like you like it." That's the first thing I really remember Jesus (pronounced 'hay-zus' for all you whiter-than-white folks out there! lol) saying to me. I know there were other conversations but that was the turning point. That was the exact moment in time when I consciously felt a shift. I was aware of him now. He was no longer a co-worker, he was a nice guy who had unbeknownst to me been paying attention to the fact that I liked to make iced coffee..... and he got it exactly right too.

From that moment in time an intense flirtation erupted. He wasn't the kind of guy that you'd normally see and think "wow!" but there was something about him. And admittedly the fact that I was only about 3 months out of a horrible marriage helped things alot. lol I mean here was a really great guy who was REALLY into me.......

you can imagine what that does to a girl. ;)
It's funny how my life works. Most of the time, in any area..... there will be absolutely nothing going on and then BAM! Alot will happen overnight or even in a matter of hours. Well, that's how it went with Jesus too. One night at work (he was off) it was about 2 in the morning and I decided right then and there that I liked him enough to make it official. I called him. Of course he was up.... just like I would've been too. We DID have alot in common. :) I'm sooooooo the opposite of a boy-chaser.... and I can't stand when people invite themselves over either....oh man and stopping by announced is the worst!.... okay so anyways, back to the story. So I call him and was hinting around about how boring work was and I wished I could leave early (pretend to be sick) but I didn't feel like going home, blah blah blah. I was throwing out bait and he was gobbling it up as quickly as it was tossed! haha FISHED IN! FISHED IN! lol (I'm having visions of the SNL 'cheerleaders' doing their skit...."who's that spartan swimmin in the sea??? IT'S ME! IT'S ME!" LOL) From what I heard later he was having a guys night out type of thing at his house and as soon as he hung up the phone totally kicked everyone out within five minutes so that I could come over....I had no idea! That's a guy who's into you! :)

That was the night that we started dating. We had our first kiss and spent hours on end talking and talking. And believe me when I say I could've gotten whatever it is that I wanted that night (*wink, wink*), I knew just how much I really liked him when I said that I didn't feel comfortable taking it "further"....and he kissed me on the forehead, smiled and said "that's okay." And it was. It was okay. He was a gentleman. Wow! I had never had one of those before! I had no idea what it was like..... and now I had a taste and there was no way I was ever going back.

Jesus was a relationship of firsts for me. Lots of new experiences. And I learned alot of things from him. He was such a cool guy. Very smart. Was in military intelligence for a long time. FANTASTIC cook. Loved restaurants and knew which wine to order with which meal. I soaked him up like a sponge. I have to say though, that the most important thing Jesus did for me was make me see that I'm beautiful. Oh I know..... no one wants to hear someone say that they think themselves beautiful. You can get the "who does she think she is???" type of thing coming at you. But you know what I've learned to be true? That those are usually the people that have never had their own 'Jesus' show them just how beautiful they are too. It's kind of like "can you believe she's WEARING that???".... it's really not meant to be a question. It's meant to be a judgment. It's kind of an if-you-spot-it-you-got-it type of thing. If someone judges someone else like that it's because of their own self-esteem issues. So I'll say again.... Jesus helped convince me just how beautiful I was... inside and out. You know, I had been married twice before and NEVER one time had I ever heard anyone tell me that I was pretty. I make sure to tell my children just how beautiful they are all the time because of that! But Jesus thought I was pretty. He thought I was beautiful! Another thing I've learned (I actually learned it from the book 'Do You Think I'm Beautiful' by Angela Thomas......best book EVER EVER EVER for women) is that when you aren't willing to listen to God telling you that you're beautiful, smart, funny, etc..... he will often place people in your life (even if only temporarily) that you ARE willing to hear telling you. That was Jesus' role in my life...... to be the embodiment of God's voice telling me that I was beautiful. *TEAR, SNIFF* lol Man oh man.... he LOVED my curves..... every single fleshy, womanly thing about me..... even my "wobbly bits". LOL (How much did you LOVE Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones when she was trying to get dressed undercover so that he wouldn't see her 'wobbly bits' and he said "I happen to have quite high regard for your wobbly bits"....in his yummy british accent...... *ahhhh, swoon*).

After a little bit of time I started to believe him. Every time he complimented me or just wanted to look at me I didn't shrink away and get all embarrassed. I learned that he genuinely thought I was pretty..... wow! someone thought I was pretty! :) .... maybe I'm not so bad.....wow! he thinks I'm smart too!..... and he thinks I'm funny!!!! No one has ever told me I was funny before! .... he thinks I'm "witty".... am I witty????..... WHO KNEW! :) lol

I came to realize that I'm not so bad of a person! After living with an abusive man in my life since I was twenty years old I had started to believe all of the lies that were programmed into my brain at least a hundred times a day.... "You are so ugly. And stupid. Wow are you fat! You are nothing but a stupid whore with four kids...who will EVER want you?????", etc. etc. etc. It's staggering the difference between a twenty year old and a thirty year old isn't it???? At twenty these girls really just don't have any clue as to who they are yet and what is acceptable. I was willing to put up with so much crap just because I thought it was better to have someone than no one... and after all he didn't really mean it! Right??? He LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEDDD me! Bullshit! lol GOD HELP the man that ever even thinks of treating me with jealousy or with insults again!!!!!! I have three words for him.... OH HEEEEELLLLLL NO! Jesus helped to deprogram me from all of the damage that had been done..... and for that I will forever be grateful.

We dated for about six months. It really was a wonderful time in my life. It just wasn't meant to be though. He had other issues that he needed to deal with before I could be with him long-term. We got together once or twice a couple of months after we broke up. It was like getting a little shot of vitamin-J. LOL The first time I was sick....really sick. He had called for something and heard how sick I was and since he still had my house key (yep, I had forgotten about it....oops!) he had brought me over some food. He came upstairs and helped me get out of bed to go eat and when he pulled the covers back and I stood up his face just kind of went "dumb-struck". I said "what's the matter????" And he just kind of stuttered "um, well, you sure do still got it where you need it don't you?" And it made me smile. Everyone needs someone to think that they're beautiful.... even if they aren't a couple. Even if I never see Jesus again I will know for the rest of my life that he thinks I am..... and I am so grateful for that gift. :)

Capricorn

"We can't ring the changes all day, every day. We have to let some things stay the same, at least for a while. If, though, we never challenge the status quo, everything grows pale and dull. Rhythms may be reassuring but routines are restrictive. You are renowned for your loyalty, consistency and commitment. You can stick with someone, or something, a long time before you feel the urge to explore an alternative. There's nothing fickle about your current desire to do this. It's a wise impulse."

WOW. I swear this guy is a fly on my wall--every day!


Stuck in my head



This song has been stuck in my head for weeks and weeks! I love it!

8.18.2008

Almost Happy Birthday

As my blog is preparing to turn yet another year older, I decided to count down the days with some of my oldie-but-goody blogs. My faithful friends who have been here since the beginning will certainly remember them, but many of you may not--so enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love and Devotion (2/10/06)

I took care of a gentleman last night who was dying. No big shocker there. But this guy, actually it was his wife, was unlike any patient I've ever had and he has stirred things up in me big time. This was an almost 91 year old man who is today celebrating his 70TH wedding anniversary. He was declining rapidly and is supposed to go to hospice today or tomorrow. He is unresponsive & never said one word to me all night. (Which just goes to show that we don't always have to have the "right" things to say, do we?) The thing that got me was the depth of love and devotion that his partner felt for him. She was also 90 years old... a "good" 90.... but 90 none-the-less, and she was a source of worry for me all night long. This is because ANY 90 year old should be at home in bed sleeping at night! Right? I thought so too.

Slowly, one by one, his family filed out of the room and left. Grandchildren and great-grandchildren left. Then children. All the while she just sat in a chair in the corner and stared a very heartbroken stare towards her love...the constant trace of a tear always present in her eyes. Then I watched as one of their sons got on his knees in front of her and held her hands and prayed with her. Prayed for his father and his mother. For himself. For the reality and the heartache that was settling in on this family.

After the son left I went into the room to check on her and in the faintest and frailest voice (although I have a feeling it was the strongest voice that she could muster at this point) she looked at me in the eyes and said, "will I be in your way if I stay here?" I will never forget the piercing and penetrating, heartfelt plea that her eyes gave me. I just stood there and stared at her. On one hand, of course I wanted her to be able to stay. But on the other hand, she's 90 years old. I didn't want her to end up in another bed down the hall from pulling an emotional all-nighter. It was only a few seconds in real-time but it seemed like forever that I just stood there, and before I could say anything she looked at me with tears welling up in her eyes and said "please don't make me go. I've been next to him since I was 18 years old and I have so little time left with him....please." I continued to stand there silently for a moment...though now it wasn't because I was debating in my mind all of the pros and the cons, but because now I was speechless. I was looking at the emodiment of everything that I silently feel inside. The love between two people that usually only comes along once in their lives. A love that is way bigger than the two of them. The indescribable power of an all-consuming love that just is...whether you want it to be or not. It defies time, space or logic and it won't go away just because someone thinks it should. And also the longing and the pain of wanting someone that you know is slipping out of your hands.....and all you can do is watch it go.

As I stared into her face I suddenly, in my minds eye, got a glimpse of her through the years. As a teenager who was crazy about this boy, as a girl getting engaged, as a young bride glowing with love, a mother who cradled her baby in her arms, a woman who made dinner for her family and then love to her husband, a retiree who was excited for the freedom of finally getting her man all to herself and traveling or just spending lazy mornings. And now of a woman who has seen all of the seasons of her life come and go and was now helplessly staring at her one true love slipping away....and all of the pain that brings.

I suddenly felt fiercely protective of this woman. I told her that of course she could stay and that I would do anything I could do to make her comfortable. I had to fight her tooth and nail to even try and get her to take a blanket. She was so afraid of being in the way bless her heart.... I never did win either. She sat slumped over in that uncomfortable chair with her coat on to keep warm. She wouldn't let me get her a cot or even a more comfortable chair. At one point she woke up and was confused. She thought she was at home, and that he was in bed waiting for her and she couldn't find her way to their bedroom. I was so sad for her. Even through confusion she was still looking for him....her heart knew where it wanted to be. The heart knows what it wants....even when the mind and body are telling it differently.

Helloooo, my name is Gwen and I'm here to warsh yer vagina!



O.M.G.

Why didn't someone tell me???!!! Here I am bashing and judging the non-reality tv watchers and I (yeah, ME!) had NO IDEA that Margaret Cho was coming out with her own show!!! HELLO!!! She is only my favorite comic EVER! Yes, she is foul-mouthed (unfortunately like me) and YES she has a filthy sense of humor (ok, also like me), but I love every bit of her anyways! And NOW she has a new show! (I can hear clouds part and hallelujah choirs singing).
I talk about her ALL the time (mostly copying what she says, but who's counting)! I was just telling Allison about her the other day when through her laughter she asked me where I came up with the "John Goodman" bit (where I jokingly say that I've gained so much weight I look like John Goodman) and I told her it was from Margaret Cho--her Notorious C.H.O. tour where she joked that if she was ever going to be with a woman she would want to choose because she wouldn't want some feminine girly-girl...she wants a big bull-dyke that looks like John Goodman. lol
She makes me laugh so hard that I can't breathe--like need an inhaler can't breathe. And I pee my pants! Literally! She is one of the few people that make me laugh so hard that I usually actually pee myself. She's just that funny to me.
Anyways, here is a video (not one of the funniest, but definitely one of the bits that have stuck with me and I have quoted over the years!). It's about Gwen the nurse's assistant and how bad her job is that she has to go around all day saying, "HELLO! MY NAME IS GWEN AND I'M HERE TO WARRRRSH YER VAGINA!" ROFLMAO--ok, I've gotta quit. :) Probably just another example of my retarded sense of humor, BUT I'm not ashamed! I'm proud of my retarded sense of humor! Go on Margaret Cho with your bad self!




8.17.2008

Graphic of the day




Odd Google searches


Some of these might repeat sometimes--I'm not absent-minded, they just keep coming. lol
  1. Fake wedding game
  2. Corey Haim busted leg
  3. Odd Google searches (was someone searching for this blog or what? lol)
  4. Corey Haim, baby oil (um, eww)
  5. coma shirt (what is that??)
  6. email is for ameteurs
  7. sinnnnn (lol, I guess they were really bad)
  8. summer schedule at grandma's house
  9. love you more sweet
  10. kitchen sink shirt (um, okayyy)

8.15.2008

Friday five


  1. The itching is back. I know that sounds like a bad feminine hygiene commercial (lol), but I don't mean THAT kind of itching! As many of you know, when I get stressed I start itching like a woman on fire from head to toe and breaking out in hives. I've had it for about two years now. Some doctors have called it neurogenic itching and some have called it psychogenic itching (it's been technically labeled "stress-enhanced neurogenic inflammation"). Either way it had gone away for a few weeks after I moved here and got settled, but is now back with a vengeance after going to get Courtney and dealing with work pressures. I am back to surviving on Periactin (a strong antihistamine) three times a day, which honestly only takes the slightest of edges off but doesn't take it completely away. I think (honestly) that itching is a special form of punishment they will have in hell--it is mind-blowingly torturous when nothing will take it away. It's enough to drive someone mad, seriously.
  2. Week one of full on-the-job orientation is over! Phew! This week was med-surg, which basically means "slave labor". I worked on the floor taking a team and doing patient care in order to prove that I can. Most people in orientation get a month to work up to doing everything that I had to do this week, and even though it's hard, I'm grateful that they have me on the crash-course. I hate being in limbo and not in a normal routine. I totally thrive on predictability and just want to be doing "my" job. I usually do better just being told what I have to do and then learning/teaching myself as I go. Next week I work in the emergency room for a week (three days in nursing terms) and then the next week I'm in ICU. After that I haven't heard, but I'm sure I'll have to spend at least a little time in surgery and also labor & delivery. THEN, I have to spend a week or so training with the other supervisors. What this means is that it will be quite a while before I get to my job and also makes me a little frustrated that they made me spend a whole four days on the medical floor taking a team. THAT is not where I need the orientation--I've got that. Show me stuff I don't know, because there's going to be A LOT of that. But other than that, work is going really good. I really like the hospital I'm at so far and the people seem SO nice. And although the getting up at five in the morning will never grow on me, I like having my evenings at home with the kids.
  3. I'm sorry I'm ignoring everyone this week! I know, I know--my blog has grown dust and there are probably 10 voicemails and 20 missed calls and texts that I haven't gotten. This really hasn't been on purpose, I'm just so crazy tired! Tonight for example, I got home by 7:30, sat down and had dinner with the fam and by 8:30 I had fallen asleep on the couch where I slept until 2:00 this morning! I am now whipping out this blog and going BACK to bed! Yep, that sums up my life right now--tired and itchy! LOL (don't I sound s-e-x-y???)
  4. Courtney is home. I have to admit she's been really, really good (even though it's only been 24 hours, that can actually be a lifetime in teenage wasteland!), but she's still done her part to contribute to my hives. I have a couple right now with her name all over them! Things like texting me to ask if she can go to the movies with Alex tonight--yeah, you're thinking the same thing I'm thinking aren't you--who's Alex??? Oh, he's some boy that she found on myspace and doesn't know from Adam that she's decided she's going to date now. My response to that was, "That's how people disappear and never come home Courtney!" Her response was, "I would've introduced you before we left!" *Sigh* I also heard, "I sat on the front porch for a little while today and these group of four or five guys was walking past and we're friends now. They want me to come hang out tonight at the park, can I?" *sigh*--or should I say "*scratch*.
  5. Overall life is good. We really like it here in our new city. Kids are stressful, money isn't quite comfortable yet (but Lord willing it will be soon!) and I'm getting bronchitis (yet again), but it's still good. I miss my friends who have all gotten busy this past week with work and life and have temporarily fallen off the face of the earth. I get it, I'm the one sleeping night and day, but I still miss them. Scott is getting sick (in various ways--all physical and not mental thank God) and I really struggle with being sympathetic because he doesn't pay any attention to good advice (mine of course!) and doesn't take care of himself. I'm trying, but I'm not doing a very good job honestly. I know that coming from the woman who needs to lose 50 pounds (or more--yes, I know! Shut up about it already!) it seems a little hypocritical, but if you can't breathe but yet won't quit smoking and if your legs are swollen like elephants but you won't sit your ass down and put your feet up, then I don't want to hear about it! I (for example) have many-a-problem, but if I'm not willing to work on them and fix them, then I shut up about them! Oh well, that's just another reason for my hives this week--when I'm tired I'm not my normal sickningly (is that a word?) sweet self (I know again--am I ever? lol) and then I feel guilty for it. Ok, I think that's enough for tonight. I've been awake for a whole 50 minutes now and feel that's WAY too long.


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