3.25.2008

Tag your it

Once you’ve been ’tagged’, you have to write a blog of 10 weird/random facts/habits/goals about yourself. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged , listing their names and WHY you chose them. Don’t forget to leave them a comment (You’re IT!) and to read your blog. You can’t tag the person who tagged you, since you can’t tag me back - let me know when you’ve posted your blog so I can see your answers.

I don’t think there is much that I can say that most of you don’t really know. I’m too much of an open-book for my own good! :)

1. I am an overachiever to the nth degree! I always have WAY too much on my plate. Right now I am partially done with two books I’m writing (one fiction, one non-fiction), work and am back in college full-time.

2. I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I handle it much better than I used to and hide it pretty good. Unless I told you, you would probably never know I had it...but inside my head is TORTURE! The constant thoughts and compulsions over and over torment me.


3. I can’t STAND the thought of, feel of or sound of paper. Yes, I said paper. lol I think it stems from the obsessive compulsive disorder, but the feel of paper is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me and I will do ANYTHING to avoid touching it. I’m particularly tortured when someone else is folding a piece of paper or running their fingers over it. At work you will almost NEVER see me not wearing long sleeves. This is so that I can pull the sleeve down over my wrist and hand so that my skin doesn’t have to touch the paper when I’m doing my charting.


4. I wish I was an animal person. I’m just not. You wouldn’t believe what a stigma this gives a person! People seem to take it very personally if you don’t like animals...but really, it’s not a personal affront to you! lol I think this also stems from the OCD---I’m an extreme germophobe and the thought of germs, fur, dander....*ROLPH!!!* BLAH!


5. I have never done drugs. Never. Not one hit, snort, puff...nothing. Not that I’ve never been curious, I’m just way too afraid of God and I’m also too afraid that I would like it and want to do it all the time. So I have totally avoided.


6. I really hate to cook. I hate it with such a passion that I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid it.


7. My closest friends include a few people that I’ve never met, and the others all live at least four hours away.

8. I love being alone as long as I know that it’s not forced isolation. If I know that I could be around people if I WANTED to, then I would be alone all the time.


9. I feel like the total opposite of my real self since I married Scott. I’m a shell of myself. In a way I feel bad for him because he has really never met the "real" me....the freaky, playful, sex-kitten, joking, laughing, motivated person that I am. On the other hand, I am so angry and resentful towards him because he seems to bring out the worst in me. He could care less about ME...Veronica. He never talks to me or takes an interest in me. I know that unless I show him this blog myself he will NEVER read it...because he could care less. He takes no interest in me whatsoever and I don’t feel like we are friends in even the smallest way. We are room-mates and that breaks my heart...why is that ok with him? If only he knew that I was so much more than he ever sees...but he could care less. I’ve come to realize that this is the kind of relationship that he is happiest with....someone to support him and take care of him where he can do the bare minimum to keep his spot in the home. Where he leaves you alone and you leave him alone and that’s as far as it goes. I’m so overwhelmingly sad when I think of the place I’m in AGAIN.


10. I can’t stand my food to touch the other foods on my plate. Such as right now I’m eating chinese food (sesame chicken and rice), and the sauce from the chicken is on some of my rice--and that’s grossing me out!! I like a place for everything and everything in it’s place. (OCD, I know.)


ok now it is my turn to tag...

It shall be:

1. Lisa (but she’s already done it) --because she’s awesome and would actually do it! :)

2. Allison-because my babes will always respond to my blogs!

3. Shawnda-because my babes will always respond to my blogs!

4. Maribel-because my babes will always respond to my blogs!

5. Milie-because my babes will always respond to my blogs!

6. Rita-because my babes will always respond to my blogs!

7. Greg-because he NEVER blogs! lol And he always thinks he’s so weird--so now he has to prove it and tell us 10 things that make him weird!

8. Heather-because she’s such a faithful loyal friend and I would like to learn more about her.

9. Sharon-because I know her crazy butt has some weird things to say!! haha

10. Debby-because she needs to start blogging and this is a good opportunity! :)

NOW READY-SET-GO!!! :)

Seeking whom I may devour

I went to church tonight and I’m glad I did. God and the whole world knows that I needed it. Before going, Allison heard me blow up at my husband while on the phone with her. In 22 years of friendship I don’t know that she has ever heard me do that until the past 6 months, and now she’s heard me do it more than a few times--I’m just not myself. Or maybe I AM myself--that’s the problem.

On Easter I had put the "Creed" video by the late, great Rich Mullens on one of my blogs and in it they have the fruits of the spirit flash on the screen. While watching it I had a real light-bulb moment. I know that I have been sad, resentful, angry, depressed and withdrawn. I have gained 40 pounds and am not sleeping well. I am not a happy person and feel burdened all the time. While watching that video, the "ah ha!" moment was this: I’ve lost my fruit.

I started praying about this over the last week and asking God to please reveal my heart to me and show me what’s going on. What is the core issue that is causing all of these symptoms. Help change me so that the world can see more of him in me through my fruits. Tonight he started to do that.

In church, the guy speaking said at one point, "you know what? Let’s turn to Galatians 5 and look at the fruits of the spirit for a minute." Inside I smiled and thought "hmm. what a coincidence." Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance. As we read through them all, I realized that the only one I still had was faith. I don’t know that my faith will ever be shaken (although I’m really not asking for a test Lord! PLEASE believe that!).

Then he said to read verse 5:15. "But if you bite and devour one another, take heed that you be not consumed one of another." He talked about when you have someone in your life that you are angry at or constantly bickering with it really starts to take a toll on you, totally consuming you. I’m thinking to myself, "who are YOU telling???" He went on to comment on the "consumed one of another" part. He said, "in what major way will you be consumed? WHAT is it in you that gets consumed? It consumes your FRUIT."

LIGHTBULB!!

Because I have this person *cough man cough* in my life that I have no idea how to deal with and continue to grow more and more and more and more and more (ad nauseum) resentful of him, I have handed over my fruit in a big ol’ basket for the enemy to feast on. And I REALLY don’t like how it feels to not have the fruit of the spirit! I miss my joy. And my peace. And my longsuffering. And my gentleness. And my goodness. I miss it. It had been a part of me for so long (because I was used to abiding in the vine, I got blessed with the fruit), and began to think of it as "me"...but it’s NOT me. It’s HIM. And I have removed myself from the vine so that I can sit here and concentrate on how miserable I am in my personal life. My focus has shifted in such a negative way that as I commented on in my previous blog, I am merely a shell of myself lately. Not only can others see it, but I can see it too. I’m grateful that I have such an almighty, merciful, faithful God that answers my prayers and honors my heart-felt requests to show me my heart. Not because he wants to punish me, but because he misses me too.

So the first step has been taken...I recognized the problem. Now I’m through the second step of having at least partially diagnosed the cause. Now what to do about it? I’m not sure. I’m really not. If anyone has some constructive (and kindly worded lol---remember, I’m not too gentle right now!) advice, I would LOVE to hear it. Please! Aside from leaving him, what can I do about this marriage situation? Counseling has failed miserably (with two pastors and a marriage counselor refusing to treat us after two visits each because my husband is so irrational there was no hope). Reading marriage books together has led to a major blow-up fight 100% of the time because he ends up taking something personally and screaming and yelling at me. Basically, I have to figure out how to live my married life pretending I’m not married....because I have to work on myself, and he won’t be there to help or support. I have to sort of pretend he doesn’t exist if I want to fix myself, because I can’t change him. And he is the source of the problems. (and p.s... don’t you dare come back at me with any psychobabble about how we create our own problems, and he can’t make me feel any way, etc. OH YES HE CAN! I don’t sneak and lie...he does. I don’t sit at home mooching off my wife...he does. ETC.)

Ok, I gotta go cuz I’m getting on my own nerves being so negative! lol Please pray for me! Thanks and love you all.

3.24.2008

Today really was resurrection Sunday

My home is still in limbo and I’ve still had many other surprises and worries lately that I’ll get into another time. But even with all of that on my plate...today was such a good day.

First of all, let me give a quick shout-out to one of my new favorite shows. Oprah’s Big Give is so awesome! I haven’t felt this blessed and inspired by watching a reality show like this since Extreme Makeover: Home Edition first came on the air! Sitting down to watch this was the perfect ending to the day that I’ve had, as I’m always a blubbering/cheering fool by the end of episode. If you haven’t seen it, you really should check it out. If watching it doesn’t effect you, then you should do some serious soul searching!

Ok, so yesterday I blogged about how God was working a mini revival in me. Well, it continued today. :) I woke up to Scott saying he had the flu and couldn’t go to church. Usually this means and easy "out" for me too. :) "Sorry guys, can’t get up early...Dad’s sick and I have to take care of him." lol But being Easter Sunday, the thought quickly got kicked out of my head by obligation and the thoughts of my kids’ disappointed faces in my mind. Church is always somewhere that I’m so glad I went to after I’m already there, but God knows that Satan fights me tooth and nail until my butt is firmly planted in that pew! It is HAAAAARRRRDDDDD for me to get up in the mornings! H-A-R-D. I have been an insomniac most of my life and it’s only worse as I get older. In high school I had to play sick and go to the nurses office every morning first period because I was falling asleep in class. I almost got kicked out of nursing school every single semester because I had trouble making it to early clinicals in the mornings. And I’ve worked evenings or night-shift my entire career because of this. Needless to say, I got up and took my kids to church. I even put on PANTY HOSE! Of course I put a runner in them as soon as I put them on, but I still put them on...and I literally can’t remember the last time I wore some of those!

Let me back-track a little. Last night a girl that grew up next door to my kids contacted me, Courtney & Darren on myspace. I met her when she was probably 4 years old maybe and she used to be at my house every day. I used to feed her lunch when she’d look so sad and admit that she was starving and I’d try to help take care of her the best I could...I even started taking her to church with us. Eventually we moved away and she started riding the church bus every week, and I remember her running up to me shouting that she got saved with a big smile on her face. She got baptized at the same time Madelaine did and I remember tears streaming down my face as I watched her come up out of that water. As I helped her change out of her wet gown I remembered her excitedly saying, "I got saved! I’m going to Heaven now right?" Needless to say, I was so excited to hear from her last night. I was sad when I looked at her pictures though. She looks like a little girl lost. She looks like she has fallen in with the wrong crowd and has a very dark/depressed aura around her. She said she didn’t really go to church anymore (she’s 16 now), but said she might check it out sometime since we were coming back to Tower.

Courtney was amazed that just a few hours earlier, Maddie had brought this girl up saying "I wonder whatever happened to___", and then she had actually contacted her. I gave Courtney her first official lesson on something being "a God thing" by reminding her that there is no such thing as coincidence. I said, what did you feel in your heart when you looked at her pictures? "Sad", she replied. I told her that any time someone crosses your mind out of the blue, there’s a reason for that. Then when just a short time later they cross your path...you can be even more sure of it--God has a mission for you. The fact that both of these things happened and then you felt sad looking at her pictures, that’s an almost guaranteed God-thing, and it’s our responsibility to love this girl back to life. "Last year when you were having so much trouble, I admit that I kicked your butt, but did I leave you in a ditch to die?"

"No."

"No. Everyone that loves you circled around you and fought tooth-and-nail for you to love you back to life. We are the ones who started taking her to church in the first place. We knew her before she became this way. If we as her Christian family won’t love her back to life, then who will?" My daughter went to her room with a tear in her eye, shaking her head in agreement.

Fast-forward to this morning. We did the church thing. I took pictures and wondered when I had gained SO MUCH weight! *rolling eyes* Darren had gone to church with us, so we all headed home. My boy has always liked to cook (I always called him "My Chef Boy D"), and if you give him something to help with that holds his interest then he is not only pleasant and helpful, but it keeps him out of trouble. So he and I set about making Easter dinner. It was a real joy to have him there--I really miss him sometimes and this was yet another shining example to me of the way God makes all things new. He resurrects old relationships in every sense of the word and he heals scars if you let him. A few years ago Darren & I could never have stood there and worked happily together, but now we can. He even wants to come to church with us every week! :)

This evening as we were all laying around being fat and lazy from stuffing ourselves today, the phone rang--it was J. For those of you that aren’t familiar with her, she is one of my oldest and best friends (since 1994). She is also my only friend that likes to go seriously missing on the relationship front for MONTHS at a time. I know by this far into the game not to take it personally, but it can be really difficult as you go from talking every few hours, to every day, to once a week, to not at all for 6 months. I know that it’s not about me, but I always eventually start to get resentful and angry. Then I start wondering if this time it really is about me. Does she really not want to be my friend anymore? I’ve lovingly (kind-of) dubbed this "pulling a J____."

I’m trying to think of how long she’s gone this time, and I want to say it was sometime in September or October because she didn’t respond to my Halloween party invitation. The past month or so I’ve began obsessing a little bit about it and wondered if I would ever hear from her again. I went from praying that God would let me see her at a store somewhere so that I could grab her and hug her. I just wanted to be able to say, "I love you! I don’t know what you’re going through right now, but I know it’s something...because I can feel your heart. You’re my friend and I miss you so much!" That never happened and slowly that concern started turning into bitterness. I wondered how I would react now if I saw her. I had visions of telling her off and storming away and of telling her that I wasn’t up for this one-sided friendship anymore. Then she called.

I instantly felt led by the Holy Spirit to chill out and go easy on her because I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was not herself and if I reacted to strongly I would scare her away again. She had an edge to her voice that she typically never has with me. I immediately felt sad for her because I had KNOWN something was wrong and I did nothing to check on her. I know from experience that there really is NO checking on J because when she is in that "place" she won’t answer her doors or phones. She totally withdraws.

Instead of lighting into her, I called her a bad name and cracked a joke. :) Always good for a laugh, I know. You have to know what tool to use with what people, and in MY opinion prim-and-proper doesn’t work with everyone. So after hearing, "Hey girl...", I responded with a dramatic, "OH MY GOSH! YOU’RE NOT DEAD! I was thinking to myself the other day ’I sure hope that bitch didn’t die because I’m too broke to buy flower right now!" It worked--she laughed. The ice was broken and we ended up talking for FOUR hours on the phone.

We both took our turns crying on & off throughout and covered so many areas. I finally admitted that I had started to take this personally again and she responded with, "Don’t. You know better than that by now. You’re my best friend whether I’m emotionally unavailable for a while or not. I love you and we have covered too much road together for me to say goodbye to you. There’s nothing you could do to chase me away...I just had some major life issues to deal with and you know how well I handle those."

Let me tell you, if ever there were two more opposite friends put together, I have never seen it! lol We are opposites in almost everything--especially in the way we handle emotional "stuff." She finally told me all about the crisis that ended up chasing her back to her cave and I sobbed like a baby through it. My heart was so devastatingly broken for my friend. Suffice it to say that all the years of trouble I face--and the issue at work I faced recently--I had to sit back and hear about my dear, dear friend facing. She’d kill me if she read this, but I do it to convey how utterly and desperately my heart ached for her. I listened quietly to her tell me about the horrible thing she had to go through and not react so strongly that I scared her back into her hole.

I finally couldn’t take it anymore and the sobs burst forth through the dam and I started choking out the words, "I’m so sorry this happened to you." The pain was as if I were going through it myself and I don’t know if at that moment I felt more pain or anger. I wanted to spring to the defense of my beloved friend and help her, save her, comfort her--protect her. She could sense all of this and started telling me that everything was ok now and she was doing ok....only lying to herself. I’ve been there. I know better. And I can hear it in her voice. She is NOT all better yet.

As she continued trying to comfort ME (go figure right?), she burst forth with the good news about one of her youngest kids getting saved recently. I felt God tap on my heart to remind me that his hand is in all of it. I said to her, "After all the years that you and I have seen together. Late nights on the phone reading our Bibles together because niether one of us could get to church with the nine kids between us, praying together, husband problems and divorces. Days of talking for hours and then a few periods of not talking for months--it all comes back to two women that God connected at the heart that are STILL sitting here talking on the phone and crying together. God is still in control--and we must be doing SOMETHING right in these messes we call lives, because we now have EIGHT out of NINE kids saved."

She responded by reminding me how much she loves me, etc. etc. And I DO love her. So, so, so much. I understand why she went M.I.A. for a while. She explained again that she still has so much anger inside from different things that have happened in her life that God is trying to heal, and she sees herself as needing to be the "tough as nails" person at all times. She explained that if she sticks around during those tough times then she has to talk about what is going on---which in turn ends up making her angry and resentful towards me for a while because I’m the one she’s being vulnerable to. Therefore, she feels the need to withdraw during heavy stuff so that she doesn’t hurt me. Then when she’s better able to handle it, she comes back. I see patients get mad at their nurses all the time because we are the ones that have to see them in pain and help change the bandages. They take it out on us and can even become bitter towards us. I get it. I’m just different.

I’m glad she’s back, and I hope she stays back. Please pray for her as well as me..........

3.12.2008

I'm scrrd!


Today was a milestone day... Courtney got her temps!!! First of all, HOW AM I THAT OLD??? lol But second of all, YIKES! :) She’s been so good since she’s been home, that I decided to offer to let her go to the license bureau after her tests today. I knew she really wanted it when she was willing to ride up there in the hooptie van that still doesn’t have a front bumper on it! lol No bumper and a license plate stuck all hillbilly-style on the front. haha You know how weeee do it! :)

There was a major run around because the only copy of her birth certificate that I could find wasn’t a certified copy and the BMV wouldn’t accept it. Court was so upset, she was like "GREAT! Now we have to drive all the way to Louisiana to get a new one!!!" haha The lady assured her that we wouldn’t have to do that, and we drove over to the court house and got a certified copy of my divorce papers that have her birthday on them. She then quickly passed her test and got her permits.

To say that she was THRILLED would be a huge understatement! She was excited and I was terrified! lol The words "be careful!" and "watch that snowbank!" came out of my mouth a few times, but overall she did really, really good. I was proud of her.

We came home and picked up the girls then headed out for a girl’s celebration evening out. We went to Best Buy to return a few things, and picked up a few more things while we were there. Got a few cd’s, a camera case and some new headphones. The best part about Best Buy though was Courtney trying to park. LOL Yeah, not good. Funny, but not good. :)

We then drove over to TGIF’s and had dinner...which took FOREVER to get there. The manager offered us free dessert because it took so long, so we enjoyed that too and got overstuffed. It was soooo good though!

After that, we went over to the mall because I wanted to find Scott a black dress shirt, and still couldn’t find one. I have looked at every store I’ve entered and haven’t been able to locate one. I never imagined it would be so hard to find a man’s long-sleeve black button-up shirt! I’m frustrated! So then after looking around, I was really proud of myself that I was able to leave without buying anything! :) We walked all over the mall and I managed to escape with only buying a few lip-glosses from Bath & Body. I think that was pretty heroic on my part. :)

Now we’re home and chillin’. I’m procrastinating ..ing my homework that I should’ve started last night. I’ve really gotta crack down and get busy, but there are so many other fun things to do! Here are some more pics from today...enjoy! :) Have a good weekend y’all!

Catch-up blog

This last week has been very trying for me. Saturday during the blizzard, my bumper got ripped off my car and the brakes totally went out. We had just replaced the brakes, but then something happened to the brake lines and they had to be replaced. That all came to at least $500. It’s always something isn’t it?

School’s going ok, I have a ton of homework to do this weekend and a few papers to write. I have 5 days off work, and I’m going to need every one of them to not only get this school work done, but to emotionally recover from today.

Today, work was one of the most emotionally draining days for me in such a long time...I’m still crying at the thought of it. I can’t go into heavy details because of privacy laws, but to sum it all up I had a patient that was being admitted due to complications from domestic violence...a subject that is very personal to me. She was hesitant to even give the guys last name because he had told her he would kill her or one of her family members if she reported him. After working long and hard to convince her to trust the police and let them protect her, she finally consented to talking to them. I quickly called them and had an officer come to the emergency room to talk to her...and I almost wish I hadn’t. My heart is shattered into a thousand pieces just thinking of the way that she was failed by the "system" today.

The officer that responded was so rude, arrogant, cocky, judgmental, impatient and unhelpful...not only to her, but to me too. He was so horrible, and totally blew her off. Because the fiance doesn’t live with her, they aren’t married yet and they don’t have kids together, it’s not considered domestic violence to the police and they refused to do anything for her. He said he’d file a report, and if she wanted to press charges it was up to her to get in touch with the prosecutor and pursue it. He was SO NASTY. I looked at him in disbelief and he snapped at me that he didn’t know what any of this had to do with me anyways. I said, "I’m her NURSE...it has EVERYTHING to do with me. A man beat the hell out of her, and you’re not going to do ANYTHING about it???" We had a slightly heated exchange for a moment, and he totally dismissed me. He walked away from me waving his arm in the air saying, "if you have an issue, take it up with the chief. I’m done with you." I was LIVID. I was so mad and hurt that tears began streaming down my face. The patient was sitting in her room crying and saying, "I knew they wouldn’t help me! I knew they wouldn’t do anything! He’s going to murder me now!" I felt so utterly helpless and sad. I felt like I had let her down in such a tremendous way.

I was walking briskly out of the e.r. with people yelling behind me that I had a phone call. I totally ignored them and kept walking. I was sobbing and telling a coworker what had just happened, when my phone rang. It was the nursing supervisor saying that the police were here and looking for me and she wanted to know what the heck was going on...were they here to arrest me for something? I reassured her that they weren’t, and between my sobs quickly gave her the basics of how it was about a patient and I just ripped a cop a new one. She said they wanted me back in the e.r. to talk to them (his supervisor was now here too), and I told her absolutely not. I would NOT be going back in there. I was sad, angry and felt like I totally betrayed my patient. I would not be going back in there to duke this out with the police in front of the patient and the entire emergency room. She asked if I would be willing to talk to them in her office and I reluctantly agreed. I called my boss and headed to the supervisor’s office.

This issue hit such a deep chord in me that I absolutely COULD NOT turn off the tears, and continued the "ugly cry" all the way to the office despite my best efforts to compose myself. As I was sitting in the office waiting (the supervisor had left to go find my boss), I heard the familiar sound of keys on a belt jingling. Almost two years of dating a cop in that hospital has left me able to recognize that sound all too well unfortunately. I turned around and looked out into the waiting area and saw a different officer standing there than I had talked to earlier.

"Are you here for me?"

"Are you Veronica?"

"Yes." He immediately starts barrelling towards me pointing his finger at me and loudly saying:

"I don’t even know what I have to be doing here! This is ridiculous and my officer TOLD you that there would be NOTHING done about this by us! If the prosecutor wants him arrested for assault and battery, that will be up to him!" He was yelling and so nasty (just as bad as the first guy). Just then, the supervisor and my boss walk in and the supervisor jumps in between us and gets in the cops face, coming to my rescue.

"HEY! You BACK OFF OF HER! I told you to SAVE IT until I got back in here! How DARE you attack my nurse that way!"

"She talked to me first! And I don’t need YOUR permission to talk to her!"

"Oh yes you do! We don’t even know what’s going on here yet and you’re attacking her!"

He continued being snide and snotty and totally patronizing to me, and I continued sobbing. He reminded me that he still didn’t understand what I had to do with it anyways, and I yelled at him that I was legally bound to be an advocate for that patient, and I was in it whether he like it or not! He told me that if I was such an advocate for her, that I should go be an advocate for her at the prosecutor’s office tomorrow instead, because the cops refuse to do anything about it but file a report. He then went on to ask me why I was so passionate about this, and I told him it was because my heart was broken for her right now. That every bit of faith I had just fought to instill in her had been destroyed in minutes by the Lorain police department, and that I was passionate because for nine years I lived in Lorain with an abusive husband who used to beat the tar out of me. I never had the help to get away from him, and whenever I had him arrested, they would only let him right back out. I said, "all this crap about ’two times and it’s a felony and they go to prison’ is such crap! My husband never went to prison until he finally hurt my little girl! So SCREW the Lorain police department! Women are being HURT by men, and you won’t do ANYTHING to help them! You’re damn right I’m passionate about this!"

His assanine response to this was, "Do you know how many scenes we’re on every day???" My response was, "I don’t care!"

He said, "We can’t arrest every guy that a woman claims has beat her! Do you know how many innocent men there are sitting in jail right now because of this?"

I said, "Do you know how many GUILTY men there are walking the streets because you don’t do CRAP???"

He replied, "There’s no proof that he did this...there’s no camcorder in her house that recorded all of this! There are no witnesses! What do you want us to do? This is police work...there has to be PROOF!"

My response was, "YEAH, SHE ENDED UP IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM WITH THESE WOUNDS BECAUSE OF NOTHING, RIGHT???"

There’s no way to convey in this blog the patronizing, insulting tone that these cops had. It broke my heart. It still breaks my heart. I feel like this is the biggest let-down of my entire career, and the second biggest let-down of my life...the first being when I felt like I let Courtney down all those years ago. That wound has been opened up all over again, and I feel like I could just take a bat to the heads of every man who has ever put his hands on a woman in anger. And DON’T bother responding to this telling me about all the abused men in the world. I don’t want to hear it. Yes, there are abused men...but WOMEN are by far and large the biggest victims of crimes of abuse by men, and I am SO TIRED OF IT!

I am crying tear after tear of grief just thinking about the fear and devastation that woman must be feeling tonight as she lays in the hospital wondering what’s going to happen. Memories of racing down the road trying to escape the evil one, with him driving next to me trying to run me off the road and pointing a gun at me keep flooding my mind. Images of me being pinned down on the ground with his hands gripped firmly around my throat, me struggling and kicking my foot through the front of a box fan we had sitting on the floor. Him smashing our front picture window out of our house and literally punching the front door down when I finally got him locked out. He went to jail, but quickly came right back and convinced me that it was my fault and that I was used goods with kids that no one would ever want again.

I hate him. God forgive me, but I do. I will never hurt him back because I believe God’s vengence will be so much worse than anything I can ever dream up. But I hate him for terrorizing me and my children for so long. I hate him for taking advantage of the innocent, forgiving girl that I used to be and being the key force in turning me cynical. I’m willing to forgive him if God takes these feelings away from me, but I don’t know how to do it on my own. He’s been in prison now for five years, and it’s still so raw. He had the nerve to send me a few letters a few months ago telling me that he can’t wait to see me and the girls when he gets out and that he still loves me. I was so infuriated, I was blinded with rage. I was ready to drive to Mansfield and march into that prison just to tell him to burn in hell. I wrote him back telling him as much and told him that I’d better never hear another word from him again, and I let him know in no uncertain terms that I will die to protect my children after what he did, and if he EVER thinks about getting within ten miles of him he is going to see my wrath face to face. I’ve never heard from him again since.

Needless to say, I need prayer tonight. Please also pray for my patient, her safety, and her emotional peace. She is a christian. As a matter of fact, I used to go to church with her. Please pray for her.

Baum & Torres video review of American Idol


3.05.2008

We’re off to see the blizzard: 2008




These aren't pictures of my car because I didn't have a camera with me and it was late at night, but this is what my van looked like--if not worse when I came out of work tonight.

There was a major blizzard all evening with freezing rain and sleet that was horrible. The hospital is right on the lake, so it's usually even worse there because you have all of that nasty, wet, frozen stuff coming in off the water.

I clocked out of work 10 minutes early so that I could start scraping off my car, but I had no idea what I was in for! First of all, trying to make it to my car was a nightmare! That frozen stuff hitting you in the face is no joke! It hurts! Then, once I actually got to my car, it took me several minutes to even get my door open. It was so covered in ice that I almost couldn't get my fingers in the door handle. Once I did, I thought I might break the handle off trying to pry the door open!

After getting the car started and the defroster running, I had to hack at the ice on the windows for a solid 15 minutes to even start to make headway. I ended up chipping a little circle that I could see through and hoping I would be ok. I knew that if I got pulled over, I would TOTALLY get a ticket. lol Thank the Lord I didn't. Before leaving, I had a chuckle because one of the physicians at work came in (he has an accent, so things sound even funnier) and asked one of the nurses who was leaving how long her car had been parked outside. She said, "since 7 this morning". He responded with, "Shit. You got problems!" LOL

After taking FOREVER to get home, and traveling some horribly bad roads, I finally made it back safe and sound (thanks in no small part, I'm sure, to my fervent prayers!).

Man I can't wait for spring!!!

3.04.2008

It surprises even myself!


This just couldn't wait until tomorrow. I am sitting here at 2:15 in the morning blogging about American Idol, because I was so TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY by tonight's episode! Yes, David Archuleta is still really good and will probably win. Yes, Michael Johns is still one of my faves. But I gotta tell you, over these last few weeks someone who never had my attention even the littlest bit before has got it in a big way now. I have developed such a crush on David Cook it isn't even funny!

This guy is so awesome. On first appearance, I would probably never look twice, but he's the kind of guy that sneaks up on me. And that crooked little smile he has when he's singing. Yeah. You can imagine what that does to a girl. ;)

So lets talk about tonights performance, shall we? H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P!!! This performance blew me away!! By far my favorite of the night...or of the whole season for that matter. I can't even count the ways that I loved that performance! I mean, seriously--I want to have babies with that performance! It was really, really good...and brave, and authentic. He really is the real deal to me, and I pray, pray, pray that he makes it far. He is awesome!

The truth hurts

The truth hurts. That's how the cliche goes. It's something you can hear a thousand times and it doesn't hit home until "truth" happens to you--cliches are funny that way.

Today some things were said to me that hurt me to the very core of my being like I haven't been hurt in a very long time. They weren't said in a mean way or maliciously, it was just truth. Not even truth about me--just truth in it's raw form. And man, the truth hurts.

It never fails to amaze me how you can know someone so long and so intimately, and think that you know everything there is to know about them, and yet they can still say something or reveal something about themselves that punches you in the gut and makes you wonder if you ever really knew them at all. It also makes you wonder if they ever knew anything about you.

Someone once said, "The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other." Someone else has said, "The truth may hurt for a little while but a lie hurts forever." I have to trust that it is always the best to know the truth, and that God will heal this hurt. It just pierces me to perceive that I'm not as loved as I thought I was. Or that I'm not as loved in return as the love I'm putting out. I'm sure I would be argued with that I am that loved, but as a pastor once put it to me--where feelings are concerned, perception is reality. And I perceive that I have been rejected and misunderstood in colossal ways. That really hurts.
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