12.31.2007

On which I reflect on 2007....


The thought of writing something reflecting on the past year and how wonderful it was, how much I learned, etc. etc. has crossed my mind several times. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of a single thing to say along those lines. *sigh* Truth is that this past year pretty much sucked. Sucked ass actually and I am plenty happy to see it go.

2007 brought alot of arguing, drama, heartache, more financial trouble and health issues. It also reaffirmed to me that I still suck at picking men. At a much-older-than-my-years-35, I am still way too naive, trusting and forgiving for my own good--no, I still haven't totally learned that life lesson yet. I love the idea of being married--of being a team--of the give and take of it all. Too bad for me that I seem to have voluntarily taken on a situation that still leaves me feeling like a team of ONE and it's all me giving and him taking. It's not lost on me how negative I've been lately...believe me, I get it and sometimes I even get on my own nerves--but it is what it is and either my marriage/life will get better with time, God's help and Scotts medication....or it will get better with time, God's help and enough medication for me so that I just don't care how rotten things are anymore! What also sucks is that I'm only partially kidding.

I find that even on the good days when things are peaceful and nice...it's still not enough. This isn't what I want. I'm totally willing to take the blame for it because he is obviously who he is, whether I saw it at first or not. I can't ask him to become someone different...that would be impossible. Oh, I can ask him to manage himself better, but that's exactly what I'm getting at...even when he's managed better, it's still not what I want. Yeah, I know the whole "you're just expecting too much...love is a decision...on and on ad nauseum", but I can't believe this is what I got myself into. I want someone who engages me, seduces me, laughs at my jokes, makes me laugh at theirs. Someone who is up on current events or knows something about culture. I want someone who is willing to *cough, cough* work for a living.

Does all of this make me a witch? Maybe. I'm willing to own that though. I'm only part-way through this thing called life and, therefore have a looooong way to go honey! I don't want to stay this way. I want to be with someone who, if God-forbid they left, would leave my life with such a gaping hole I would have trouble recovering. That's what I thought I had...but I acted to quickly.

Needless to say I have decided that (warning...corny cliche coming up!) I'm gonna be GREAT IN '08! LOL...yeah I know, I shouldn't have gone there...but I sooo did! lol It's going to be great because either it's going to get better...oh, so much better! (which honestly is my prayer...I love Scott, I don't want to see him gone) Or it's going to get worse and then better...because this is the deciding year. This is the year that will tell me what my future will look like with a new and improved, medicated husband. Please Lord let it be better.

On top of all that ugly relationship stuff, I'm going back to school in two weeks (cause I don't have enough on my plate right?). Hopefully it won't be too hard though. It's all online through Indiana Wesleyan University. It's an 18 month program and the only clinical I have is in like the last month or so when I have to shadow a manager at work. YAY ME!! When I was checking into signing up for a similar program through University of Akron, there were a ton of prerequisites (lots more chemistry and biology...blah!, foreign languages and phys ed--yeah right!), whereas this program has NO prereq's. WOOT WOOT!

I just got the official ok from the doc to come off of my chemo...which is great since I took myself off about a month ago anyways. :) The side effects were just too much and I didn't feel it was doing any good anyways. He agreed and said that he thinks the key to getting my lupus under control right now is: decreased stress and anxiety and increased quality of sleep. So since I couldn't leave Scott at the doctors office, he gave me pills to bring home. lol He gave me a stronger anti-depressant, some anxiety medication for when I need it and a different (stronger) med to help me sleep. I haven't taken the last two much because I don't want to be drooling on my keyboard from being so stoned, but it's nice to know that I have them if I need them.

This year has seen me grow closer to some of my friends (including some wonderful new ones) and grow distant from some of my old friends. My hair got a little shorter and my butt got a little bigger. I grew a little closer to the Lord and got back to meditating (which I have let slip a little, but am immediately going to fix that--I hope). I finally got that pesky ex-husband out of my house and I agreed to temporarily "see how it goes" with my son going with him...so far, not so bad, espcially on this end. Much more peaceful. I've started researching my family tree and learned some really fascinating things. I ACTUALLY STARTED WRITING A BOOK (finally!) and it's going pretty well. I've determined to get published (in some capacity...even if only some magazine articles) this coming year.

Overall, I would say that the arch of 2007 went something like this: disappointment, anger and betrayal--> drama and crisis--> coming back to my own and getting centered again. Continuing on my own journey and saying "this is the direction I'm headed...I would love for you to come with me. If not, God bless you, but I'm still going on my own."

I hope you all have a wonderful 2008 right along with me...full of growth, renewal and joy...not just happiness, but JOY.

Gods peace,

vb

xoxoxoxo

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