1.30.2006

It's not the flu, it's MONO!!!

As everyone in the whole world knows... I've felt like C-R-A-P lately. I've thought it was a nasty flu bug that wouldn't go away.....well...... NOPE! I was struggling through another 12 hour shift and decided that enough was enough. There was no way this was just a cold or the flu when my throat has been hurting so severely for over a week now. My symptoms have hardly decreased at all! So I took a break and slipped in the back door of the emergency room. I had them do a "quick strep" test on me to see if it was strep throat. That came back negative and the doctor said "I think you have mono" (also known as the "kissing disease"). I started laughing and said "are you joking???" There's nothing anyone can really do about it, I mean mono is a virus just like the flu bug....if you get it you just have to ride it out. But it's severe and lasts a loooong time. AND, it can recur and bring on major fatigue. Well, I'm used to that part because of my lupus, I'm ALWAYS tired. But my throat has been hurting so bad I can hardly swallow and sometimes it seems hard to breathe. So guess what I have to take to get the inflammation down???? Yep, PREDNISONE!!!! *sigh*. I just can't get away from that stuff! lol Oh well, if it helps then bring it on.

I ended up coming home early from work because I felt so crappy and because it's so contagious. I wore a mask around my patients and kept my hands washed of course (and I know it was one of those old buggers that hacked in my face & gave it to me!) but I shouldn't be there when i'm so sick. Before I left, my friend Don showed me an email from a family at our church. It was about a dinner they're having for a church-member and our pastor. My pastor's kidneys totally failed and one of our church members is giving him one of his kidneys. I was so touched by that. And heartbroken. I know that I feel miserable... and I really do..... but wow. I'm so blessed. Even on my worst days God is good and I'm so grateful for the health that I do have. If they can handle a kidney transplant I can handle a little mono! Bring on the prednisone!

Selfishness vs. Calling


It's amazing to me how self-absorbed we as humans can get when we find ourselves in the midst of misery. I've been so miserable it's hard to explain. It's hard to breathe. My chest hurts. I'm short of breath. My head hurts. My muscles all ache. My throat is feeling slightly better thank God (for all my complaining..... thank you prednisone!).

As is typical with me I tend to always live in denial and try to push through the pain. Living with a chronic illness (lupus) and NEVER feeling "good", I've gotten used to a new kind of "normal". I know what a normal day feels like to me, but I always wonder what it would be like if someone else were transplanted into my body for just a day and walked in my shoes. Would it be "normal" to them? Or would they say "wow, this is really miserable!". I always have suffered from the "oh, I'll be okay...." syndrome. I hate to be the center of focused attention, you know... "oh you poor baby" type of thing. I always feel like a stupid big baby. After all the sickness I see all of the time I know that there is always someone else so much worse than me. Almost like I don't have a right to be sick. So unfortunately like I said... I tend to push through the pain (emotional or physical). Well that isn't a good thing because what happens is usually a nasty downward spiral and I end up sicker because I don't give myself a timeout to heal. I have to be everything for everyone and never take time for myself. I have to go to work, be there for my kids, make sure I return that phone call or email, make sure I go to lunch if i said i would go to lunch, etc. So I think I mentioned this morning about how my friend Don reminded me that people who are most susceptible to mono tend to be the "run down" people who don't get enough rest and have run themselves ragged (which is true). And he raised one eyebrow and gave me "the look". lol I call Don "Big Daddy" because that's what he is to me. He is a protector and giver of wisdom. I love him so dearly. And as much as I hate to admit it (especially to him)...he's right. So do you think that my stupid, sick, stubborn butt learned anything? pssshhhhh, yeah right! lol At first I did. I came home, cancelled my hair appointment I had scheduled for the afternoon and decided to "cacoon" for the day. So by the evening time I'm totally beating myself up because I'd been laying here all day long. I even let myself get a whole THREE hours of sleep for crying out loud after working all night. lol So what do the really sick who need rest do when they're miserable? What else but take their four kids, Joleen, her husband and their five kids to the roller rink for skate night for two hours!!!!!!!! I'M SUCH A FREAKING GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT!!!! I am my own worst enemy I swear! I just kept thinking "you can't be THAT bad. You'll feel better if you get out moving around.", etc. Well, NO. I DON'T FEEL BETTER NOW! In fact I feel worse. DUH! *rolling eyes*

So now I'm home. Feet up in the recliner contemplating going to the emergency room because I feel so bad. (you know it's bad if i'm willing to go to the e.r., let alone leave my house!) It's beyond feeling like crap... I am struggling! I decided to watch the Oprah that I dvr'd from today and Anderson Cooper from CNN was on there. There was a story of little one's that were dying in another country from the drought last year. My heart broke and I started to weep. Once again I got caught by the Holy Spirit wallowing in my self and my own story. You know what? Honestly, even if I got worse and worse (I know I'm over dramatizing here) and ended up dying, yes it would be sad. I by no means want that to happen. I have babies that need me. BUT if it did. I've lived a good life. I've been comfortable. AND I'm saved. I know Jesus. If I died tonight no one would have to wonder about where I am. And I've probably even made a difference in some lives here in America. But what about the children over there? And there's still so many people who need help here too! Oh my God (literally my heart is crying out to my God)... the suffering that these little ones are going through. And they are dying right in the middle of the newscast. I'm so sad. As a mother and as a human, my heart is sick.

As I was watching the story the mother and the nurse inside of me were commiserating. Oh Lord I just want to hold those babies. Scoop them up and comfort them. Their poor mothers. I can do something to help them. I know how to do everything those nurses and doctors are doing. I know what all of those tubes are. I know how to put them in. I HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE. AND THE HEART. And that's when I heard God say "EXACTLY! BINGO!" And suddenly all of the debate I've had going on in my head lately (and on my blog) came flooding back to me..... "DO I REALLY STILL WANT TO BE A NURSE? WHAT ABOUT THE EFFECTS IT WILL HAVE ON ME???? WHAT ABOUT IF IT MAKES ME SICK???" Wow. Lord, I am so sorry. Please forgive me for being so selfish. And I hope that every person that comes across these blogs would forgive me. More people will look at me than I will ever know. I never know who I am affecting and planting seeds with. We are all examples even when we don't know that we are. We ARE being watched and studied by people who might be searching for a way to be. No, I don't feel good. But my eyes, feelings and heart need to go past my own misery. I'm always praying. For myself, for others, for the president, my pastor, etc. But that is only part of the battle. TO WHOM IS GIVEN, MUCH IS REQUIRED. And that is a mantra that I plan on repeating frequently from now on. If I ever had a desire to get a tattoo (okay let me just say.... ewww! tattoos on girls are gross! lol) I think that's what it would say. So I need to find a good balance. I've always been on the quest for "balance". I've talked about it for as long as I can remember and I'm still working on it. Being too far on either end of the spectrum (in ANY situation in your life) is not good. And so I need to find the perfect balance to take care of myself AND take care of my mission. I can't do one without the other.

Seeing those little ones on t.v. renewed my mission. It "shook my jug" as I like to say. Do I feel the need to fly to Africa? No. Not really. But it did make me see ALL of my patients in a renewed way. Suffering in general. That has always been my calling... to help those that are suffering. To bring the love of Jesus and the healing of the Holy Spirit through MY HANDS to those that are suffering. Let me tell you, it's VERY easy to become jaded and calloused in the nursing profession. Seeing sickness and pain, death and dying every single day. It didn't take cleaning many dead bodies and putting them in body bags for me to stop weeping and grieving over every single one. It's just not possible to stay that vulnerable and be able to function. But again it's about BALANCE. I've found a space to exist where I'm compassionate and love every single patient but also not SO vulnerable. Lately I've gotten a little out of balance though. My lens became unfocused, especially with being sick frequently over the last several months. So it's time to change my lens. I need to sharpen up the focus. I've been reminded that not everyone can do this job.... I am a blessed, blessed person. I'm a nurse. I've been given the PRIVILEGE of taking care of people when they are at the absolute most open and vulnerable times in theire lives! Everyone always says to me "how could you be a nurse???? Yuck! How can you handle doing the things you have to do????" But it's a matter of focus. What's the focus of that picture? Blood, puke, dirty sheets, etc. What's the focus of MY picture? "Wash their feet." And also, think about it... if tonight something happened to you.... you were in an accident and broke both of your arms and suddenly you couldn't even wipe yourself.... how humiliated would you be everytime you had to ask for help? You would be embarrassed and humbled..... and someone would have to have the heart to see past what the physical task at hand is to your heart and be willing to say "yes I will help you." That's why you don't go to college to become a nurse...... God creates a nurse in you. It's a calling. And in order to take care of my calling in a more responsible way than I do now I need to take care of myself too. So if I seem missing in action sometimes please forgive me. I know that some of you are waiting for return messages from me, cards in the mail, etc. And I have to say.... please forgive me and be patient with me. I'm not well right now and I need to get back to "good" as quickly as possible so I'm going to rest. At least I'm going to try to. After all, He's still workin on me!

1.28.2006

i give up! uncle, uncle!

Man I'm praying for no more of this! I'm crying uncle in a big way!

I was up AGAIN all night long coughing, blowing my nose, using my inhaler.... this sucks! Next year I am definitely getting my flu AND pneumonia shots whether they recommend I do or not! It can't be any worse on my body than constantly getting sick.

Other than that I'm doing ok.. how about all of you?

1.24.2006

Firing squad

Well my temp is back to normal for the time being...hopefully it will stay that way. I got some sleep last night...HALLELUJAH!... but it was that wierd kind of feverish sleep. You know what I mean? I tossed & turned and had really crazy dreams. Blankets on, blankets off, flip the pillow over, etc. Just really restless. So I decided to get up early.

I have to say that the fact that I got the flu AGAIN this year has really bothered me. I'm not supposed to get flu shots because of the way it could make my lupus flare, but if I can still get one I'm going to. And I'm going to next year as well. Did anyone watch Oprah yesterday? It really disturbed me. Because I know it all to be true. It was on the bird flu and the pandemic that is heading our way. It's not a matter of "if" it will happen, it's simply "when and where" is it going to start. If you thought Katrina was bad in one little city then you better prepare yourself for a global catastrophe of that magnitude. And the proplem is that we don't have any vaccines for that flu because we don't know what strain it will be yet and the medicine "Tamiflu" that can somewhat treat the flu already doesn't work very well with the bird flu for one thing. The other thing is that there is a finite amount of it on the planet. They can only make it so fast and they, at this point, have enough for about 5 % of the worlds population. 5 PERCENT! That's why now when a doctor offers me a perscription for tamiflu when i get sick I turn it down. Sure, I'd like to feel better today but how irresponsible! Every time we use it now we will have less for when we really need it. It's going to be like the 1918 flu pandemic that wiped out millions.

This all used to kind of go in one ear and out the other to me until yesterday when I got whammied with a horrible flu yet again this year. This must be the fourth or fifth time I got the flu this year already. Plus bronchitis, pneumonia, etc. I used to be able to say the flu was getting worse every year. Now I have to say the flu is getting worse every week or so. It's mutating so fast now and gets stronger and more virulent each time. For the first time I have concern.

There's something to be said for being in a caregiving profession. I think nursing is one of the most noble professions on the earth (besides teaching). I can't imagine doing anything else. But everytime I go to work or deal with a patient it's like standing in front of a firing squad. I deal with the nastiest & strongest germs and they never used to bother me that bad. Once a winter I might get the flu or a cold. Now it's boom, boom, boom. I can see with my own two eyes the evolution of these illnessess and for the first time in my life I've had second thoughts about being a floor nurse. Dealing with patients every day. There's so much at stake. I have children to take care of. I'm exposed to every illness you could name. I just don't know if I'm willing to do this for much longer. It might be time to find a "desk job" if you know what i mean and get out of the field. The Lord does not give a spirit of fear, but he does give wisdom.

1.23.2006

Sick again!

I can't believe I'm sick again. I have been sick more times this year than ever before I think. I woke up this morning with a stuffy nose and headache. Then within a few hours I had a RAGING fever and felt like I was dying. I couldn't walk, I was woozy, nauseous, etc. Of course I can't tell you how high my temp was because I don't have a thermometer (I know, what kind of a nurse doesn't have a thermometer???... Randy is supposed to bring one home tonight.) I took vitamin e, magnesium, zinc, vitamin c, dayquil and motrin. My last dose of dayquil (has tylenol in it) and motrin was at about 1:30 and I can feel it starting to wear off. I'm starting to sweat and my temp is going up. It's going to be a long night! I just hope my kids don't get this...it's the worst I've had so far this year. :(

1.22.2006

Insomnia


I hate not being able to sleep!!! I even took my sleeping pill last night and here I am awake. I've been up since 3:30. I've gotta figure out a way to shut off my brain so it doesn't keep racing constantly. Not really worrying at all, I'm not a worrier. But I'm a planner, organizer and analyzer. Those three things keep my brain way too busy! LOL Well, I'm off to try to sleep again.... wish me luck!
**Maybe I just need something to tire me out!!! ;)

1.18.2006

Joleen

Joleen called this morning. I wouldn't answer the phone. I did call her back but only after listening to her message and hearing her apology and praying about it for a minute. Actually I've been praying about this often lately. Which is why I was so frustrated when the prayer was answered. lol It was kind of a pray for your enemies type of thing. I was praying that the Lord would speak to her heart and let his will be done with this friendship. And asked him to please not let it be uncomfortable to ever see each other in public. To let us be able to smile and hug, catch up and then walk away. To bring healing. Honestly that prayer was more out of obedience than pure desire.

For those who aren't in the know, Joleen was my best friend for the past 10+ years. We couldn't be more different but there is a love and a bond that was placed by God. We have seen each other through every good and bad thing you can imagine. Births of our babies, our weddings, first days of school, new houses. Deaths, fights with our spouses, fights with each other. The night that the evil one confessed and after the police were done with us & I had to take Courtney to the emergency room Joleen was the only one there with me. I'll never forget sitting in the e.r. waiting room with my arms around courtney both of us sobbing the most heartwrenching sobs that could come from a mothers broken heart and looking up to see my friend, my Joleen running through the doors with a look of panic and heartbreak on her face and tears in her eyes. The minute she saw us she threw her arms around us and we all three cried together for what seemed like hours. She stayed all night. She held my hand. She was my heart... as she normally is.

We have cried together, prayed together, had "church" over the phone when neither one of us could get to the real building for various reasons. I feel sorry for anyone that's never experienced a "BEST FRIEND" like that. I am a better person because she has been in my life.

The problem is this. She can also be very wishy-washy and fickle. She moves whichever way the wind blows it seems. She's always been this way a little bit. But the last few years have been bad. One minute she's in my life. We talk at least once a day if not several times a day. We visit. We share. yada yada yada. Then POOF. She'll be gone. THIS TIME it was probably in October I think. I drove her to get her tooth pulled, got her RX filled, took care of the baby while she was there, we talked, said talk to you tomorrow. Then nothing. No calls. No returning of calls. Ignored messages. And typical sorrow on my end. Where did she go? What happened? I got angrier and angrier as the days then months went by. I drove by her house.... IT WAS EMPTY. I'm left standing there saying WHAT THE F***???? What now??? How selfish! How rude and inconsiderate! Obviously my friendship means nothing to her anymore!

I'm so tired of one-sided friendships. Make that relationships period. As usual, Veronica is the sucker doing all of the work. Calling to see how things are. Sending a card here and there, etc. So I decided to let her go. I didn't know what she was pouting about this time.... is she mad at me for something? Is she depressed? Is she just "pulling a Joleen"? (See, she has been known to do this from time to time.... she gets so caught up in her life that she dissapears for a while then comes back saying'was I really gone that long??? I'm SO SORRY! Let me catch you up.... you know I love you, how could you think I'd be gone forever? I just had stuff to take care of.")

So a few weeks ago as I was getting more & more mad at her I started feeling convicted. The Holy Spirit started speaking to my heart and reminding me that I too have gone through some crap in the last year and have dropped off the radar screen for a while. Perhaps I should be more sympathetic to my friend. And if that wasn't the case and she had found some non-existent reason to be mad then it's better off because I'm tired of toxic people in my life. So I started to pray for her. Like I said earlier it was more out of obedience. I really have been ready to walk away from this. Fresh start. But I've been praying. Lord please meet Joleens needs whatever they might be right now. Please keep her family safe. Please soften her heart towards me so that there would be peace. Have your will and way done, etc.

So this morning imagine my surprise when my phone rings and it was her. I silenced the ringer and kept walking Amelia to the bus stop. I felt numb. Angry. Resentful. I listened to the message and of course it was her saying "Hi V. I'm really sorry I haven't called you. Please call me back. I have alot I have to tell you. Call ***-****, my MOTHERS phone #. I'll explain later. I miss you and I love you. "

After I came back home I called her. I wasn't rude in any way to her, but I was distant and stand-offish I could tell. I'm so pissed at her! She can be so selfish! So she went on her little tyrade about all the garbage that's been going on. She's been fired from 2 jobs, lost her nurses aid license because of lack of hours, been evicted and is living with her mother whom she and her husband are now fighting with, etc, etc, etc. Typical Joleen stuff. See, that's exactly what I need to stop!!! Who do I think I am that I think I get to be so judgemental???? Where is the compassion and love of Christ? Actually, it's in there somewhere and I have no doubt that it will be coming out. It's a beautiful thing but it frustrates the human part of me so bad!!! IT MAKES ME INCABABLE OF WALKING AWAY FROM SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME AND IS REPENTANT. UGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I asked her what she was doing and she said nothing for the whole day. The way she said it I could tell she was wanting to come over. So I invited her over. I said to her "come on over. That way I can put a foot in your ass for the way you've been acting and then so I can kiss your face ." I could tell she started to tear up and she just said "okay, sounds good."

I guess it boils down to this. Like it or not I'm a loyal, loving, forgiving, faithful friend. Even when I don't want to be! lol It's just my God-given nature. And the way she acted speaks to her character, not mine. God saw how she went M.I.A. in my life and he will deal with anything that needs dealt with. My job is to love her. I always have been, will today and will tomorrow be the friend to her that she sometimes isn't to me. I love her not because of anything she's done for me, but because she simply is. God created her, Jesus lives in her, and she is enough. Period. She doesn't deserve my love. But what do any of us really deserve?

Lord please let me be a reflection of you and your love. Let me put myself aside and please give me the words that my friend needs to hear to speak to her heart and draw her closer to you. I am yours. Please work through me. Amen

Joleen's visit

She did come over today with the baby (who has to be one of the most pretty little girls I have ever seen! Aside from mine of course) and the first thing she did when she walked in was grab me and give me a big hug and kiss on the cheek and said "man I have missed you!" Of course that made me tear up and I was determined not to cry so I hugged her back and invited her in and listened to her talk for a while about what's been going on with her. As vocal as I am, when I'm hurt I tend to get very, very quiet. I'm usually not quite sure what I want to say and never want to say something out of hurt that I really don't mean and will later regret. I don't want to look stupid like a big pouty baby. I know that I will start crying as I ALWAYS do when I'm feeling any strong emotion. And mostly I hate to explain myself. I HATE it when I feel pressured to explain or defend my feelings. Feelings are what they are and often people will try to discount someone else's feelings as invalid if they don't agree with them. Well even if she didn't think that I should feel as hurt wouldn't have meant squat to me.... I felt what I felt. So anyways, to make a long story even longer... I clam up when I'm hurt. LOL

Joleen is a chronic, compulsive cleaner and tidier...especially when she's at someone else's house. It's almost like she feels that she has to kind of "earn her keep". She never has felt like she's enough. Her company is more than enough but she always feels like people look down on her like she's a freeloader if she's not doing something for them.... this is especially true when she's nervous or is trying to kiss and make up in some way. This used to REALLY offend me because I interpreted it as she thinks something's wrong with my house and feels the need to clean it. LOL NOT ANYMORE!!! I'm so over that! haha Clean away girlfriend! So after a little while of talking and catching up we go into the kitchen for some coffee and she naturally starts doing any dishes that are sitting there and then washing the already clean counters. Then she changes the trash. I'm thinking, man she must really be sorry because she's working harder than a maid would! LOL And I didn't say a word to her, I just let her work out her nervousness. I didn't even say anything when she disappeared in the middle of a conversation with an empty trash bag and went to the bathrooms and all the bedrooms emptying the trash those rooms too! haha It cracks me up. So then she says... can I make dinner for you guys? hahahahaha I just stared at her for a minute and then said, "but it's only noon." lol She says "I know but I just really want to cook for you... you can heat it back up later. Besides that, I've been waiting for you to really give it to me and you haven't said a word and I'm so touched and grateful." I responded "there's no need to. You already know. And beyond that, so does God and if he feels something needs to be dealt with, he'll deal with it. I'm just glad to have you back. Please don't ever do that to me again." So she cooked us dinner... and then washed all the pots and pans afterwards.

She promised to never go missing in action again. I don't believe her. But that's ok. Just like I know that she cooks and cleans when nervous, I know that when stressed she disappears. I don't have to trust that she won't hurt me again, I just have to trust that if she does my God is strong enough to comfort and heal me when it happens.

I was praying earlier for the words to say to her that would bring her closer to Him. Looks like it turned out that the best thing I could do was not say anything. God used my natural tendency to clam up for his good and he took care of it. Just like I knew he would. He is so faithful and can bring such beauty from ashes. I love my friend. She is beautiful and I wish she could see herself like God sees her. Like I see her.

The last thing she said to me as she was walking out of the door was "are you going to church Sunday morning? Maybe we'll come too." Amen.

1.17.2006

Snow baby


Brrrrrrrr! I'm freezing over here! This having to walk to the bus stop every morning business is for the birds!!! LOL Here I am literally FORCING my butt out of bed and the mere thought of having to go out in the cold is dreadful enough... but then actually having to WALK and then STAND THERE waiting for the bus?!?!?! Yeah, whatever!!! lol My outside in the winter routine pretty much consists of walk out door, walk to car. LOL

This morning it was about 20 degrees (plus wind-chill mind you) and snow was blowing in our faces and I'm pretty much growling under my breath and secretly mumbling every cuss word you can find when I hear the sweetest little innocent angel voice say, "mommy don't you just LOVE the snow?" And instantly I felt bad. I really do hate to be out in the cold and snow but I've also forgotten so much of the magic. I remember being a little girl and being taken with the beauty and magic of snow. I'd play outside for hours building snowforts, sledding, snowball fights, snowmen, etc. Now I've turned into a cranky old snow-hater! heehee

So because I never want to take that wide-eyed innocent view she has of the world I put on my happy face and smiled. I then looked at her and said "No.... mommy hates the snow." hahahahaha I really did, but I said it with a smile on my face! heehee I started laughing then and said "mommy's just kidding....the snow is pretty cool huh?" And with that she was off on a tangent about how cool the snow was and all the neat things you could do when it snows. And she's right. I hope my children enjoy every second of the winter.... that's what living in northern Ohio is about in the winter....making cool memories that you can always remember and say "boy the winters when I was little were great! We had so much snow!" Yeah, whatever. BAH HUMBUG! ;)

Up top there is a picture I took standing at her bus stop with her in the snow.... beautiful! And I don't just mean the snow. :)

1.07.2006

Sleep!!!!


Ahhhh! Finally home from work and getting ready to climb into bed for a whole five or six hours! *sigh*

Last night was H-E-L-L as far as work goes, but was very nice as far as birthdays go. I had to wear my "birthday tiara" all night....I kept forgetting it was on and kept wondering why people were smiling at me so funny. haha This is a HORRIBLE picture I put on here, but it's a picture of me last night talking to my soap & wearing my tiara. :) The girls at work got together and brought me in a FEAST! Didn't help my food situation any that's for sure! haha But it was awesome. Such love I received on my birthday from people in my life. One of the gifts moved me to tears that's for sure! I won't go into it here, but YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! :) I thank you again from the bottom of my heart and say again what a blessing you are to me.

I'm going to crawl into bed now....have a blessed Sunday! *yawn*

1.06.2006

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

I'm so grateful for another year and am totally IN LOVE with being in my 30's. :) If someone offered to pay me to go back to my 20's I'd tell them only if I could go back as someone who knew better! lol I've learned a ton of life lessons and am so humbled by the show of love that has already been coming my way from my friends and family. You guys are all amazing and I can only aspire to be a beautiful reflection of the people that you all are. I love you all. :)

1.03.2006

Prednisone

Nothing new lately except that I think I've officially eaten my weight in chicken soup and christmas cookies this week! lol (some of you think i'm kidding! haha) I feel so crappy!!! (duh I know)

It's amazing how much nutrition affects the way we feel. I've been on prednisone again lately because my lupus was flaring up and anyone who's ever been on prednisone knows just how hungry you get! I'm telling you... if it won't crawl away from me I'm eating it! I always think people are putting on about how much they eat when on prednisone until I'm the victim. All of a sudden I find myself ready to binge on anything and everything.... there is absolutely no sense of having had enough. Do you know that it's actually possible to feel stuffed and starving at the same time??? I need to be restrained!!! I've gained over 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks and feel like absolute crap. I make the best homemade chicken noodle soup EVER (humble I know lol). I made a HUGE stock pot full on Friday when my parents were bringing the kids home and had like 3 bowls that night. Then I had a big bowl Saturday for lunch. Then took a really big bowl to work Sat night for dinner. Then Sunday when I woke up had some for brunch. And it was so good I decided to take a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE bowl for all the girls at work Sunday night. And *grimacing in utter humiliation* .... I ate the WHOLE THING myself! hahahahaha Plus a big bowl of chicken paprikash and 2 ice creams! (I'm falling off my chair laughing at how much of a pig I've been! lol) BUT I HAD A DIET COKE DARNIT! lol So then Monday there was only a few bowls left and I didn't want it to go bad so I pollished it off!!! heehee To top that off, at Sam's club they had big boxes of Christmas cookies on sale so my parents (ever thoughtful that they are) bought 2 boxes. So I've been pigging out. I'm out of control! And even as I'm sitting here thinking about how sick I feel and how full I am, I'm wondering if there's anything in there I can eat real quick before I go to bed. This is a very helpful drug, but EVIL! ugggh!

So......... I started tapering down the prednisone the other day and am down to 5mg twice a day.... pretty darned good! :) Should be off here in a few days. I just can't do this food thing anymore! HEY!!! Who's in the bathroom!!! I'm gonna puke!!!
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