12.30.2005

Happy New Year!


New Years Eve is always such an emotional time for me. Don't ask me why...just is. Just ask anyone who spent any of the watchnight services at Tower with me and they will gladly tell you how I cry like a baby! lol

So I was reflecting for a moment on this last year. YUCK! what a CRAP year!!!! LOL Some of my other years have probably been worse, well I know they have..just pick one that I was married to the evil one and it will win hands down! But 2005 ranks up there with the worst of them. What's funny is that I thought it was going to be one of the best. Last spring started with me in love and thinking that this was the turning point in my life. Well... it sure was. But it got worse before it got better that's for sure!

I had some joy mixed with alot of sorrow and loss. Probably one of the worst depressions of my life. Made a couple of friends and lost several (not because anything particular happened in those friendships, but because I finally quit allowing them to be one-sided. If it was all give and no take, then I let it die a peaceful death.)

But as God is faithful to do for me this time of year... he wraps everything up with a pretty little bow and hands it to me as a merciful gift of new beginnings. It never fails... right before my birthday (capricorn season!) he has a way of making me deal with all of the garbage and resolving issues. This year it was finances and friendships. I'm not going into the nasty details but suffice it to say that the financial devastation of 2005 came to a head yesterday. I'm still praying for a merciful loan of some sort from someone or somewhere, but even if that doesn't happen I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today I am stressed, but soon I will be just fine.

As far as friendships go... I've lost alot of them. I lost Joleen ......AGAIN! (I give up for crying out loud...I've finally let her fly. I'm not even interested in working on it anymore), I feel like I've lost alot of Kristin (although I know that she's still there. It's just kind of changed forms), and I lost Scott. Just typing that name made my eyes tear up.

Yeah, he was my boyfriend. Yeah, it turned out to be a HUGE mess. But he started out as my friend. My friend Scott. Man did I adore him. I don't know if I've ever had a friend that I've had more in common with. He was simply the best. And I'll leave it at that. My heart hurts just thinking about him. I'm so sad about the way that things turned out. I wish I could take it back. Do it differently. But I can't. Not only has the knowledge that I can't change things helped me to want to do things differently in the future, but it has also made me feel more merciful towards people that have done me wrong. I bet there are alot of people out there wishing that they could go back and have a do-over. They can't. It's done. And neither can I. So I have to pick myself up, dust myself off. Put my smile back on and move forward. I'm good at that. I'll be fine.

I think 2006 is going to be an amazing, amazing year. I can just feel it in my bones. God is so good. And I may not be a fast learner, but I am a good learner.... and I think that maybe I finally got it. 2005 devastated me in alot of ways. The ripples of devastation are just now reaching the shore in alot of areas. But luckily Jesus is a big break-wall of rocks that protects me from waves that are too strong.

Yep...2006 is going to be great. I resolve to do my best. My absolute personal best. To authentically love the people in my life, to get my finances in order, to be healthier (in every way that it can apply), and to get myself and my children back to church regualarly like I know we should be. I want to exercise more. And I vow to stay soft...I resolve to stay sentimental and somewhat naive. I will continue to look at the world, life & love with a sense of wonder. Yeah...it's gonna be great! :)

12.24.2005

Merry Christmas!

I received an email today from Greg & boy did it hit home! It's kind of long, but hang in there! Here it is....

Twas, the months before Christmas. When all through our land
Not a Christian was praying nor taking a stand.
See the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say
The children were told by their schools not to sing
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday"
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it
CDs from Madonna, X BOX and I-pods
Something was changing, something quite odd
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda
As Target was hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was not to be found
At K Mart and Staples at Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, On Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton
To the top of the Senate, they rose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matters
And we spoke not a word, as they, slapped our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before started
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me
Choose your words careful, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!
This is something that has been grating on my nerves and conscience for a little while now and this poem is the perfect way to sum up how I feel! Good, bad or ugly I've had alot more trouble lately keeping quiet about how I feel.

It started when I was at Wal-mart looking at Christmas cards and there were two women standing next to me. I didn't think anything of it until I heard one of them say, "There's nothing here I want! I don't want JESUS all over my Christmas cards!!!" I found myself clearing my throat really loudly and giving her a sideways glance. Then the other lady replied, "I know! People need to realize that not everything is about CHRISTIANITY! I want to celebrate 'Christmas' and send out my cards just because it's 'CHRISTMAS',not because I'm worshipping or anything!"

So I looked at them and said something like, "Yeah...God forbid you should celebrate the holiday as it was intended to be celebrated!" and walked away. Probably not the most gracious response.... but well.... *cricket, cricket*. LOL

Then the other night we went to Wendy's to eat dinner and the girl at the counter (must've been a new employee) said to us as we were walking away "Have a Merry Christmas!" Immediately she was pounced on by another employee who sternly said to her "it's HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!". So I turned around and said to the person who corrected her... "No, actually for me it is MERRY CHRISTMAS. Merry Christmas to you too." Another time someone said to me "I'm not a big fan of the Jesus thing." UGGGHHHHH!

This is one of my pet peeves and I tend to jump right up on my soap box when this issue comes up. People tend to respond to me with "well then you shouldn't go trick or treating unless you want to celebrate the devil because it's their holy day!". So I say... "well then let them fight for their rights! If it offends them then I will rethink it!" Stupid I know, but whenever someone tells me that it's not the religious holiday that it used to be I always respond with "don't ever be that naive or foolish to believe that! It IS a holy day. It IS a religious holiday. And it IS the birthday of a Lord so mighty that he is watching everything that is happening on this earth and it is sickening to him. Don't make the mistake of removing him from his own birthday!"

People tend to think I overeact. LOL But that's nothing new! haha When I'm passionate about something I speak up. And I am passionate about celebrating the merciful, beautiful, loving God who came to this filthy earth for the sole purpose of saving me from Hell. He suffered so that every single selfish, foolish thing I've ever done would be covered with grace. I am so unworthy....but I am so grateful. I fail daily. But the beauty of the entire gift is that it never has been about what I do or don't do. I've always been undeserving and always will be.

I love you Jesus. That is the sweetest, most comforting name that can fall off of my tongue. I am so thankful for your birth and I am so blessed to live in a country where I am free to celebrate you. Even though I am constantly needing a "do-over" (lol) I will serve you all the days of my life. You are beautiful, worthy, omnipotent, forgiving, holy, perfect, loving... I could go on and on. My prayer for the new year is that you would allow me to fall deeper and deeper in love with you every day. I praise you. I worship you.

Happy Birthday Jesus! And Merry Christmas to the rest of you!

12.23.2005

Silent Night, Holy Night

It's now officially Christmas Eve. I'm sitting here in the middle of the night having just finished wrapping gifts (which I HATE doing! lol) and I'm loving the silence. All I can hear is the furnace running.

As I was sitting here the song "Silent Night" started running through my head. You know how it goes... "Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright." And I'm feeling convicted. This has been anything but a silent night...and anything but calm. Actually as nights go around here it wasn't too bad. There wasn't much fighting, hardly any raising of voices, etc. But I'm talking internally. And even verbally. I think we all at one point or another are guilty of turning one of the holiest of all holy days for Christians into a commercialized, busy, clamorous holiday that is full of plenty of complaining. Too much to do, to much money spent, wrapping gifts, shopping, stores are crowded, traffic is horrible, have to make a huge dinner, Christmas cards to fill out AND mail, kids are so ungrateful.....blah, blah, blah. I feel like we're living out the song "The 12 pains of Christmas" sometimes! lol You guys know the song right? Here's the lyrics...the song cracks me up....because it's so true! haha Although the written lyrics don't do it justice without the funny voices to go with it!!!

The first thing at Christmas, That's such a pain to me: Is finding a Christmas tree. The second thing at Christmas, That's such a pain to me: Rigging up the lights. And finding a Christmas tree. The third thing at Christmas That's such a pain to me: Hangovers. Rigging up the lights. And finding a Christmas tree. The fourth thing at Christmas, That's such a pain to me: Sending Christmas cards. Hangovers. Rigging up the lights. And finding a Christmas tree. The fifth thing at Christmas That's such a pain to me: Five month of bills! Sending Christmas cards. Hangovers. Rigging up the lights. And finding a Christmas tree. The sixth thing at Christmas That's such a pain to me: Facing my in-laws. Five months of bills. Oh, I hate those Christmas cards. Hangovers. Rigging up these lights. And finding a Christmas tree. The seventh thing a Christmas, that's such a pain to me: The Salvation Army. Facing my in-laws. Five months of bills! Sending Christmas cards. Ohhh geeez. I'm tryin to rig up these lights! And finding a Christmas tree. The eighth thing at Christmas, that's such a pain to me: I want a transformer for Christmas. Charities, and what do you mean YOUR in-laws?! Five months of bills. Ughh, makin' up these cards. oh, Edith get me a beer huh? What we have no extension cords?! And finding a Christmas tree. The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Finding parking spaces, Daddy, I want some candy! Donations! Facing my in-laws. Five months of bills. Writing out those Christmas cards. Hangovers. Now why the hell are they blinking?! And finding a Christmas tree. The tenth thing at Christmas That's such a pain to me: Batteries not included. No parking spaces. Buy me something! Get a job you bum! Facing my in-laws. Five months of bills. Yo-ho sending Christmas cards. Oh-geez look at this. One light goes out, they all go out! And finding a Christmas tree. The eleventh thing at Christmas That's such a pain to me: Stale T.V. specials. Batteries not included. No parking spaces Mom, I gotta go bathroom! Charities! She's a witch, I hate her. Five months of bills. Oh, I don't even know half these people! Oh, who has the toilet paper, huh? Turn on a flashlight, I blew a fuse! And finding a Christmas tree. The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Singing Christmas carols. Stale T.V. specials. Batteries not included. No parking! WAHH (crying) Charities. Gotta make 'em dinner. Five months of bills. I'm not sending 'em this year, that's it! Shut up, you! Fine, you're so smart! You rig up the lights! And finding a Christmas tree.


cracks me up!

Add other stress to that and it's even worse! I know that for me this season has brought home to me the reality of relationships that have fallen by the wayside. And I have to tell you it's really been bothering me lately.

How is it that people who claim to care, claim to be your friend and even on an unspoken level have entered into that "contract" if you will of relationship...be it friendship, family or romantic can just choose to fade away? That is something missing from my DNA and is so foreign to me that I just don't get it! I have a couple of friends who I actually used to consider BEST friends who one has just faded away and I talk to her once in a while. And the other has just dropped out of site. No return phone calls, emails, Christmas card...nothing. And as a matter of fact I think she even moved! I drove by her house and I was contemplating stopping and giving her a piece of my mind and it looks like her house is empty and there's a big pile of trash on the curb!!!! Well alrighty then!!! How do you do that? Just stop communicating? The circle of people in my life are rather small. Each one hand-picked and is special to me. I treasure those people and can tell you what place in my life each and every one of them fills. What need they meet. I honor their friendship and I cherish it. Whether I'm busy, stressed out, sick...it doesn't matter! I'm checking on you to see if you're ok. I'm celebrating with you, or crying with you. Always praying with you. I could never just walk away and selfishly only focus on my "stuff".

What got me so riled up about this now is not just the two people I considered my best friends going pretty much M.I.A., but it was a new friend too. He was my e-harmony guy that I was VERY excited about. Excited enough to break my oath of never mentioning guys too early because you jynx them. See! I mentioned him on here and now he's gone! I DID jynx it! lol Well anyways, it had only been a few weeks, but we had grown by leaps and bounds in that time. We were talking 3 and 4 hours every day. We had gotten pretty close. Then all of a sudden......*POOF* He's gone. Never called again. So after about a week i sent him an email saying that i was confused as to what happened and telling him how it had hurt my feelings. It was like being stood up for a date! He apologized for it and explained that things he had going on in his life, but frankly I don't care! There's no reason besides you're dead and I missed the obituary in the paper that you can't at least take 5 mins and either call or email me to say you've gotta go take care of some business for a while and you're going to be distant.

What that showed my really is that he isn't a person I'd probably want to be with full-time. Although he is a pretty amazing guy. Any guy that would blow me off and not return phone calls, send me to voice mail( and yes I meant SEND me to voicemail! Because when someone has NEXTEL you can tell when they don't want to talk to you. They get a little screen telling them who's calling and asking if you want to take a call from them...you click yes or no. No sends straight to V.M. It has a very distinctive sound when you're the caller and someone "no's" you.) and not drop an email line is not my kind of guy! unless it was a huge fluke and he comes and REALLY apologizes and tries to win me back then that's just too bad for him....it's his loss because I am fabulous darling! :)

See all the garbage in my mind??? Anything but a silent night in here!!! Happy Christmas Eve to every one of you whom I love and adore! My darling friends....I would do anything for any one of you! I LOVE YOU!

12.20.2005

Baby it's cold outside

Well, it sure is good to be back!!! I know it's only been a few days but I have a chorus of "welcome back kotter" running through my head. LOL Not much is new actually. I've been really tired. And I mean REALLY tired! I have slept about 30 hours out of the last 48!!! I feel narcoleptic! I just couldn't stay awake for anything. But today I'm a little bit better. I don't know if my lupus was flaring up or what the problem was, but hopefully it's passing. I was afraid that maybe I was getting depressed again. I saw Scott yesterday at Drug Mart and thought that maybe that was enough to bother me, but no....I was tired and feeling crappy before then. So it's good to say that I survived that just fine! PROGRESS!!! :) I saw him, but he doesn't know that I did. I KNOW that he saw me. I didn't acknowledge him or even make eye contact though. I wanted it to be his idea or not at all. He didn't speak and so neither did I. I let him think that I didn't see him... and that he got off "SCOTT" free. LOL

I finished up my Christmas shopping. I have my elves back there wrapping gifts as we speak. I love having kids old enough to help! haha

The candles turned out FABULOUS!!! I've gotten nothing but raving reviews since making the first deliveries. They are amazing! I have a gingerbread and a cranberry burning right now and my house smells great. :) The only thing is that now I have even more people on my back to re-start the business in the spring!!!! Oh Soap & Pew...what did we get ourselves into???? :)
It's December in northern Ohio....cold & snowy. So I'm cacooned here in my home with my family where I love to be. (SNOW & COLD are are EVIL!!!) I'm drinking a cup of tea and the kids have hot chocolate. It's just a sweet day. It's good to be alive. :)

12.14.2005

Happy birthday Dad


Ronald M. H., Jr.
"Nat"
1947-2005



Today is my dad's birthday. He would've been 58 today, but unfortunately he passed away four months ago.

Everyone knows the troubled relationship I had with my Dad when I was younger. He was a hard-living, hard-drugging, hard-drinking, motorcycle riding, womanizing, cuss-word loving man! lol I used to really hate all of these things about him and some I still do. Alot of those things are what led to his downfall....too many drugs=stroke, etc. But what has happened is that I've come to accept those things as "him" and honor him in-spite of himself.
I look alot like my mom but I look most like my dad. He was the biggest, strongest man I knew when I was a little girl! He was 6'2" and about 200#. He always had dark hair (just like mine) and a mustache. Sometimes a beard. Blue eyes. And he had a deep voice. Actually, you know who sounds like my dad when I hear him talk? Hulk Hogan. LOL Except my dads voice was just a little bit deeper.

He was a mechanic. He was also a motorcycle lover. He always had a new or different bike in the garage working on it. My mom says that she was so upset when I was born because she wanted a pretty, spotless, pink nursery for her new baby girl but because it was January and too cold to work outside he brought his motorcycle parts into the house and turned my nursery into his temporary garage! A pink layette and black grease...not a great mix. I was terrified as a little girl whenever I'd spend the night at his house because my "nightlight" was an 11x14 picture lit from below (museum style) picture of the band KISS!!!! In full makeup and tongue hanging down with blood dripping, etc. I was so scared but he thought it was the coolest picture and would just tell me to shut up and stop being a baby! Oh, fatherly love! j/k Then I had nightmares for years because he took me to the drive in to see JAWS when it first came out...I was only probaby 6 or 7. It terrified me!!! He'd sell drugs in front of me. Drink & party. I knew how to get the seeds out of weed and roll a good joint by the time I was 8 or 9 probably. He was gruff and abrasive. He used to call me into the room in front of all of his drunk and high biker buddies... "Budge!!! (that was his nickname for me since i was born...don't ask me why lol) Get in here!!! Look at my girl!! She's gonna be f****** hot as balls when she's grown!!! Look at these titties already growing!!! Any of you motherf****ers ever touch her and I'll cut your balls off!!! Now get your a** in there and get me some coffee and another beer!!!!" Yep, that was a typical weekend with my dad. He used to absolutely humiliate me.

It all came to a head when I was 16 and I told him I would come over but that I wanted to go to church sunday morning. He had a fit and became very, very verbally abusive. I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore and I never went back. He didn't give me away at my wedding. He didn't see my kids when they were born. Nothing.

I'm glad to say that before he died we made peace. When I went to see him in the nursing home I was struck by how broken & small he looked. I first saw him from behind and I recognized him immediately. He was wearing a flannel shirt like always. I recognized his hair. But he was different. He was slumped and weak. He didn't stand tall anymore. He couldn't stand at all. He was paralyzed on one side completely & partially on the other side since his stroke. He couldn't speak either. His speech was very garbled. He could try to talk but it was hard to understand. One of the thoughts I had immediately was that he had towered over people to intimidate them so many times that God wouldn't let him stand anymore. And he had raised his hands in anger so many times that now he couldn't use them at all. He had used words to hurt people so many times that now he lost his ability to be heard.

I learned a big lesson that day from my dad. Probably the biggest one my father ever taught me. I learned that I never wanted to be so rebellious and hard-headed that God has to wrestle me to the ground like that. I also learned something else. I learned that he loved me. He really loved me. I have no doubt about it and I can feel it in my soul. He loved his daughter. He just didn't know how to love me. He didn't know how to be a father. He was doing the best that he knew how to do at the time with the knowledge that he had...and failed miserably. As he sat there in his wheelchair holding one of his grandbabies on his lap for the very first time ever he was absolutely beaming with pride. He looked at me and smiled a half-crooked paralyzed smile and a tear ran down his face. He said as best as he could "this is the best birthday I've ever had." I'm crying like a baby as I write this just thinking about the look on his face, the light in his eyes and the sincerity in his voice that day. It changed my life. He even called me Veronica. I think it was the first time in my entire life that I ever heard him call me by my real name. He was trying so hard to treat me good. He wanted so bad to make me happy that day and to make peace that he was even afraid to call me by my nickname. You know, I grew up hating that nickname. But I've made peace with it. It's part of me now. At the funeral the family that I haven't seen for years referred to me as "Budge" all day and it actually felt good. It was comfortable and actually made me proud because that was a part of my dad...and I was no longer ashamed of him. I was proud of him. I am proud to admit that I am Nat's daughter. I look like him. I'm stubborn like him. I can sometimes do really dumb things to my own detriment like him.

Unfortunately that was the last time I saw my father alive. That was four years ago today. I never went back. I told myself that since I had made peace with him I didn't need to see him all the time. Didn't need "that kind" of a relationship with him. I think I was afraid that it was too good to be true. That the amazing healing experience I had would be wiped out with another visit if he decided not to be good anymore. And maybe that would've happened, maybe it wouldn't have. I don't know. I regret not going to see him again. That's one thing I would do differently. But I can't change that now. I got the call on the morning of August 25th that my dad had died that morning.

Some people might think I'm crazy but he came to see me when he died. I know he did. At about 4:15 or so in the morning I woke up out of a sound sleep....wide awake. It felt like someone was in my room. (remember I hadn't gotten the call yet)The sense of presence was so strong in my room that it actually started freaking me out. I remember actually praying and telling the Lord that I didn't know what was going on, but whatever was in my room to please make it leave because it was really obvious that I wasn't alone. LOL I even put a sleeping mask over my eyes because I was convinced that if I looked around I would see something. So I came out of my room to get the kids off to school and Randy was awake out here. So I said to him "I don't know what the heck happened here last night...did you feel anything weird a couple of hours ago?" and told him what happened. He agreed that it was strange and was amazed that I woke up like that (because once i'm out, i'm out! lol) It was just then that I got the phone call telling me that my dad had died. When I asked what time he passed they said "just a little after four." Some say coincedence, but I know that I have never in my life felt anything like that and I know it was him coming to say goodbye.

As I sat at the funeral looking around at my relatives that have good hearts but are more "rough around the edges", I realized that all the years I spent being resentful that he wasn't around were actually God's hand protecting me. He had other plans for me. Since my dad didn't know how to be a dad he removed him from my life. He allowed him back in just long enough for us to make peace and for me to see my father become a Christian. Now I get to spend all of eternity getting to know my dad...the real man. Not the man being filtered through drugs, alcohol and baggage. I'm so grateful that we have a God that is so merciful. It doesn't matter what we've done or haven't done...he loves us and welcomes us into his embrace the moment we ask him to. I'm also grateful that we have a God that watches over and protects the children of parents who screw up sometimes. Not just for myself, but because sometimes I can be more like my dad than I like to admit! Like father like daughter.:)

12.12.2005

God can't drive a parked car!

~Affect others, don't let them infect you~

So I've been thinking about my goals for the next year. Financially, spiritually, friendships, parenting, home-improvements, love, etc. I know that you all know what I mean. It gets to be around Thanksgiving or Christmastime and I start getting reflective and analytical and thinking of all the ways that I've blown it over the last year. Any of my goals met from last year? Well, being frankly honest... I'm going to have to say probably not. 2005 is going to go down in the story of V. as one of the worst years. Strange...1995 was too. Wow, 1985 wasn't so hot either! Ok...that's a different blog! All I can say is that I hope 2015 will be better! lol

One of my goals last year was to not cuss anymore. Well....... *silence....cricket, cricket* LOL I have to say I'm a ton better than I used to be. I went a majority of my life without saying ANY cuss words....where did this nasty habit come from??? It's like patients that I have that say they didn't start smoking till they were like 27 or something. HELLO??? You should've really known better by then! So anyways I'm just going to have to shrug my shoulders and admit that this is still a work in progress and is once again a goal of mine.

I want to get my 401k up and running again this year...I still haven't done that since leaving the last hospital 3 years ago (yikes). More money in the bank. Tithe better... pretty much the old standards most people deal with.

I've already come across a couple of people that have pretty much moved from friend/best friend status down to acquaintance/friend status. You know how it goes. You quit talking everyday. Then it's every once in a while. Pretty soon hardly ever. Then there are the friends who have qualities that I just don't feel peaceful having in my life anymore. I have to keep growing and moving forward and I just can't have people that won't allow me to do that. They want me to stay the same person I was 5 years ago. Even one year ago! I wish they'd come along. I wish that they'd see gossip isn't as cool as it seemed when we were younger. Or that negativity only breeds negativity. It not only saps your spirit, but it's just not the right thing to do. Numbers 11:1 says "And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled." I'm not a negative person by any means. I've never been a pessimist. Like I've said a million times....I believe in happy endings! :) It's all going to work out just fine. And even on my worst days, God is sooo good.

I've been talking about this alot lately with several people. We've been talking about how EVERYONE has negative MOMENTS. Everyone. But they should be just that...moments. We have a negative thought, or we need to "barf" about something. But then the spirit and grace kick in...and we die to ourselves. At least that's supposed to be the process. That's what I need to make sure stays in check....my moments. And really they aren't out of control. But the problem is that I have friends whose moments ARE out of control. They aren't even moments anymore! They're sessions. Marathons. LOL And that is what has this on my priority list. Sometimes the Lord places people in your life to teach you what to do. And sometimes he places them in your life so that you can learn what NOT to do. Negativity will sap your spirit so bad that it can paralyze you. You will be so drained by the end of a "downer" conversation that you won't have anything left for yourself....or the Lord.

So my mission this coming year is to keep growing. Keep moving forward. God can't drive a parked car!

And as for the love life? Who knows? We'll see. :) There's someone I've been talking to who seems pretty awesome so far! Ok enough about that...I don't want to jynx it! ;)

Santa Claus is coming to town



~Merry Christmas Baby, You've Sure Been Good To Me...~


Well I must be starting to feel better 'cause guess what??? YEAH BABY! I FEEL LIKE SHOPPIN!!!! *big wink and a smile!*

I started to tonight but it's so hard with kids with you!!! So tomorrow I'm gonna do what I can before payday. Mostly, I'm just looking forward to getting dressed and actually doing my hair! Tonight was a schlep to walmart in some track pants and a ponytail kind of outing, but I think tomorrow is a dress up and put on some red lipstick kind of shopping day! Of course I'm notorious for feeling that way at 1 or 2 in the morning! Wait until daylight hits me and it'll probably be another wash-n-wear type of day! haha

I've been itching for a Christmas party lately. My good friend Carl has been planning for everyone to go out dancing this coming Friday for like 2 months... I've sooooooooo been looking forward to it! I wish you could/would all come with me. My problem is that having had to call off all weekend unexpectedly wreaked havoc on my calendar!!!! Darn that stupid flu bug!!! Flu bugs are stupid!:)

12.11.2005

Like a wink & a smile

I started this post as an entirely different thing than you're looking at. I had something happen today with one of my kids that once again broke my heart and I started to vent about the deflowering of our youth in today's society.

When we were younger it was tough to not be sexual, but today... fugheddaboutit!
So as I was venting and barfing all over my blog about my frustrations, I was listening to music as I usually do. Anyone who knows me (and I've said on here a hundred times) I LOOOOOOOOOVE "standards". You know, old jazzy type music. "Crooners" as most people call them.

(Frank Sinatra is usually the one that people think of when they hear that term. And you know, I like Frank... but I hate his attitude. He's part of the problem I'm facing today. Womanizing, etc. No... what I'm think of is more like Harry Connick, Jr. or Michael Buble.)

Ok, back to my story. So as I'm sitting there "barfing" about my problem, I'm listening to my music. Let me tell you, this music makes me come alive when I hear it. It always has. I can remember being a little girl and hearing big band music on t.v. and being absolutely mesmerized. I fell in love. I felt at home the instant I heard it. It makes me smile and "swoon" the instant it comes on. I was soooo supposed to be born in the 20's, 30's or 40's!

So I was sitting here listening to "Taking a chance on love", "smile though your heart is breaking", "It had to be you", "Moonlight Serenade", etc. and my mood started to lift. And I started thinking... what is it about this music that is making me feel better? Is it because Harry Connick, Jr. is just so freakin handsome? lol (yeah, Jill Goodacre, I said it! It's time for you to move over and let someone else have a chance! You've had him long enough!!! lol) And it came to me that... nope, it's more than my natural attraction to this music... it's what this music has come to represent to me. A simpler, more respectful time. A romantic time when the most scandlous thing on a magazine cover was a sailor kissing a nurse that he didn't know. Men were men. Men were gentlemen more specifically. And women were ladies. The pressure was on young people to be decent, respectable and modest.

Nowadays young girls are pressured to act like "video girls". You know, the half-naked girls in music videos bumping and grinding all over the nasty person singing. The less clothes the better. These days girls don't even know how to take a picture without trying to have a seductive look on their faces! I'm so tired of these little girls devaluing themselves like that! Let me say this...
MOMS & DADS: IF YOU THINK YOUR DAUGHTER IS "DIFFERENT", YOU'D BETTER TAKE A PEEK AT WHAT SHE'S DOING AND SAYING BEHIND YOUR BACK WITH HER FRIENDS!
I've said it a thousand times to my kids and I'll keep saying it until it sinks in... "Pick friends that you WANT TO BE LIKE because they're not going to rise to your level, you're going to sink to theirs!"....Man I hope they learn that lesson while the learning's good!

12.06.2005

Nothing new

~Nothing New~

Thought I'd drop a note to say not much new going on here! :) That can be an awesome thing though. I had a short but nice visit with my girlies this weekend...wish it was for a different reason, but it was still nice to see them. I've been working on candle orders and graphics. I'm amazed at how much shipping is if you don't have alot of time to wait!!! Amazing! For 2 day air on our order it's going to be $150.00 and for next day air.... $350!!!! I about crapped myself! LOL Needless to say I suddenly found the time to wait for my shipment! $42.00 for ground shipping sounds alot better to me!
The kids have their Christmas concerts this week. They planned both of them at the same time at different schools...so thoughtful of them! So Courtney has to take one to theirs and I have to take the other.
I saw today that I did some Christmas shopping last night at target.com. I thought that was funny because I hardly remember it! LOL Some people "drunk dial" in the middle of the night... I "sleepy shop".hahaha What happens is that I take my sleeping pill (because I'm a famous insomniac and got really tired of hearing people saying "why are you still awake? shouldn't you be sleeping???"), then I sit down at the computer to wait for it to kick in. Pretty soon everything starts looking good and I'm thinking I can use everything on every website! I need to order it now! haha Most of the time it's things I can actually use and am glad I ordered, but I've ordered some pretty questionable things a couple of times! LOL I'm not going to get too detailed, but for those of you "in the know" I'll just say... Victor has a brother now! hahaha So anyways, this morning I got up and it looks like I actually got some really good deals on Christmas presents! Yay me! :)

12.02.2005

Catch-up blog

Well, time for an update on my little Courtney girl. She's acting much better. I think that night really got to her and she's been back to my normal good girl. Of course she has been really sick too... lol Maybe she just doesn't have the energy to be bad! haha No seriously she's a great girl and anyone that knows her can attest to that. She has a great spirit. She's resilient and she's HILLARIOUS. She does the most hillarious Napoleon Dynamite impersonation I've ever seen. Napoleon is very big in this house and she constantly cracks us all up! haha I hope she grows into the amazing woman that she's heading towards.....nothing's been able to stop her yet! :)

12.01.2005

My babies


~"Amelia Bedelia Schmelia Pelia"~


My baby emmy girl! This is MY girl! She will come and curl up on my lap no matter what I'm doing. She crawls in bed with me, she touches my face and tells me how pretty she thinks I always am...and she will always be the one child of mine to tell me when she thinks my butt looks big too! haha She has to be the absolute funniest of all of my kids!!! :) She cracks me up. And not even because she's trying to be funny most of the time. lol She is just naturally funny! We all get alot of our "language", etc. from things she says and does. Like "bellytuppin"(belly button when she was tiny), "yesternight", "Back off turkey!!!" "I'm tidered", "I hate getting ready for bed! Going to bed is so stupid!!!"...just to name a few. Oh, and who could forget freezing in mid-action when she thinks someone is looking at her that she doesn't know???? HAHAHAHA For those of you who have never seen this hillarious act... all it takes is a waitress for example to walk up and start talking to her. She totally freezes right in mid-action, no matter what she's doing. She won't look, move, breathe....she thinks like an ostrich and if she doesn't move they can't see her. LOL She's so bashful that she doesn't even want to be seen. That's in public though. At home she's a totally different person.... she is a little ham! She's always "shaking her booty" or "breakin it down". She does a good job too! I have to say that unfortunately she's the only one of my kids who has ever had the nerve (or ignorance) to repeat bad words she's heard. LOL One day we were driving in the car when she was probably four and she yelled "this stupid sun won't stay out of my eyes and it's really starting to PISS ME OFF!!!!!" haha I know I shouldn't be laughing about that but I CRACKED UP! She was sooo serious! LOL The best thing about Amelia is that a few weeks ago... she got saved! She asked Jesus into her heart and was so excited I heard her dancing up and down the hall singing "you can't get me no more bad devil because Jesus is in my heart!!!" :)



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