11.30.2005

My babies




~"Madelaine Baby"~



My little Mat (I actually hated when pleople called her that when she was born, but it stuck and now I call her "Mat" all the time). Along with that, whether I liked it or not at the time her name was turned from Madelaine Baylee into "Madelaine Baby" by my in-laws and it used to irritate me but now it's my term of affection for her. :) What can I say about her? Plenty actually. :) If ever there was a faithful, responsible, on-top-of-things child then this is it! It's a running joke around the house that we call her "the elephant"...because she never forgets anything! She's my walking to-do list and notepad rolled into one. If I need to remember to do something I simply say "Maddie I need you to remind me to do this." Then sure enough, not only will she remind me about it on time, but she will have probably have reminded me thirty other times before it was time! lol We jokingly call her "Repeat"...that's her newest nickname. You know..."Pete & Repeat were sitting on a fence, Pete fell off. Who was left? REPEAT" LOL She will have lunches packed, her clothes laid out, homework completed, beds turned down when the rest of my kids are still sitting around picking their noses! haha


Sometimes I can get a glimpse into the future and I can see her as a woman. She's going to be the responsible one. The soccer mom. She's also going to be the one who is near me the most. I can see us having lunch, or her taking care of me when I'm old. As much as I adore my other girls...God knows I do....but Madelaine's going to be my one-true-thing. That made me tear up just to type that. :) It sure wasn't like that when she was born and I think that's why it touches me so much.
From the minute she was born she was daddy's little girl. I hardly even got to hold her when she was little! I actually used to feel rejected by her as a baby as dumb as that sounds. I'd hold her and the evil one would walk in and she'd cry to go to him. I was heartbroken. But unfortunately heartbreak doesn't just have my name written on it.


We didn't know it then, but her daddy was a monster. And when he left I think a big piece of little Mat did too. Her baby heart was so broken by his sin and then his absence that for a couple of years she couldn't even say the word "dad" or any version of it. She would say "that person". She, like the rest of us, had been betrayed and a part of her tiny heart was shut down.
She's doing great now. But as the last three years have passed I have seen her coming out of her shell, growing into me and becoming mommy's little girl.
Now she talks a mile a minute and her dream is to do gymnastics... the most common site around here is to see Maddie standing on her head! LOL She's actually really good at it too!


As cool as she is in other areas, the one thing that I love the most is that even though all four of my kids are born again now, she is the one that truly has a heart for Jesus. She gets excited just to hear his name spoken. When it's her turn to say grace before meals the other kids aren't as thrilled as I am that's for sure! :) She tends to take forever...her prayers are very long. lol But it's because she loves to talk to God. Wow do I choke up just talking about it! She's such a special, touched, blessed, beautiful little girl. Smart as a whip, aims to please, compassionate and thoughtful, lovely inside and out. Innocent. Yep, that's Madelaine.

My little "Madelaine Baby"

My babies


~My Son~

I've had a ton of stress with my kids lately and it seems like all I've been doing is venting about them to my friends! So you know what? It's time to shine some light on my beautiful babies! They're awesome kids, they truly are and they deserve some praise too! So for the next four days I'm going to be covering a kid a day! :)

They are all so different it amazes me. My girls are just like me...each one a different aspect of me...but definitely their mother's daughters! And my son...well....LOL....love him to death, but he's just like his dad! (You can take that to mean whatever you like! haha) Just kidding...he has his problems but Darren has so pretty great qualities too!

Darren was the cutest baby boy ever! He was so fat and squishy. :) And he was so happy...I could just love on him forever!




He was an adorable toddler too...he was a natural cut-up. He cracked me up. It was at about this age (I'd say two years old) that he would just jump up and start running around the living room yelling "I'VE GOT A MONKEY ON MY BACK!!! AHHHHH!!!" Because he knew that it would make people laugh. LOL What a goof!


He's still a gorgeous kid! He's so smart he puts me to shame most of the time. I know most mothers will say that about their children, but I'm not kidding...he's a smart cookie! And he LOVES to cook...which makes me very happy! heehee Instead of "chef boy r dee", we call him "chef my boy d".

11.29.2005

My Courtney girl



~How can you mend a broken heart?~

I can remember the instant I laid eyes on her for the first time. I just couldn't believe it was a girl! I was so excited. I wanted a girl so bad...and here she was...it was instant love. She was a stunningly beautiful baby. Lots of dark hair, dark eyes, beautiful pink complexion...wow. I was smitten with her immediately. I think there's something special about your first born. Of course there are special things about each and every one of my children. I love each one equally, but in such different ways....and my firstborn. My Courtney girl. I always tell her she's so special because she's the one who made me a mom. By the time the others got here I was already a mom. But she's the one the Lord hand-picked to make me a mother. I adore her. I can remember when she was little how sweet she was. For her first halloween she was a "court" jester...get it? haha :)

She was ten months old and sweet as they come! You can ask anyone who has ever known Courtney...she is and always has been a golden child. There is something about her. She has the most amazing personality...people are drawn to her. And she's never met a stranger. She is instant friends with anyone she meets. And the sense of humor on that girl!!! So funny! She used to crack me up when she was little because she was addicted to her pacifier. Or should I say pacifiers(ssssss). LOL She always had one in her mouth and at least one more in her hands. She called them her "pfa-pfa's".

She just has the most sparkling, amazing, beautiful, resilient personality....just like her mom! ;) BUT, she's also passionate, opinionated, and bull-headed...just like her mom!

Everyone always told me these days would be coming..... THE TEENAGE YEARS. (*gulp*)I never dreaded them much because I have great kids...really I do. For the most part my kids are awesome. But lately Courtney and I have really been butting heads. She has turned from an insanely adorable precocious little girl into an opinionated, mouthy teenager! Now don't get me wrong...for the most part she's still amazing.

But there are the occassions that she's anything but! We butt heads like crazy sometimes...mainly because she has to get the last word in...even if the last word is an eye roll, or a loud heavy sigh (oh I hate those!)...you know what I mean! And everytime this is happening it's seeming to get worse and worse...because she just won't learn. Tonight hit a fever pitch.

It actually started yesterday when she was constantly mouthing off and managed to get herself grounded (typical) and ended up tonight with she and I literally nose to nose and me yelling "if you don't like it here thenGET OUT!" And her reply was "Fine, I will!!!" and she stormed out the door and disappeared into the cold dark....with no coat might I add.

Nothing like this has EVER happened before and so it was kind of surreal at first. I was FURIOUS. That is such an understatement!!! Man oh man! But after about twenty minutes of her not coming back in the door ready for the drama to be over because she was cold....I started to worry. So I went out into the driveway and yelled for her. Nothing. I yelled louder. Nothing. I screamed her name. Nothing. I couldn't believe this. I went back into the house and stood at the sink wondering what the heck I should do and praying a silent prayer.

I was at a major crossroads in my life. My daughter. My flesh and blood... my heart was out in the cold with no coat, no where to go and being stubborn as a mule! I was infuriated and worried sick all at the same time. Where was she??? I couldn't believe this was happening. I suddenly started having flashbacks to every primetime show, Oprah, Maury, 60 minutes, etc. that I had ever seen where you hear "They thought it could never happen to them...she was always such a good girl....and then she was gone." Or something along those lines. What if she ran away? What if she fell into the wrong hands? What if she got hurt? What if she was gone.

Oh the power of a moment!


So I ended up piling my kids in the car and taking her cell phone and combing the streets while calling every friend in her phone book to see if they had heard from her. No one had. Finally after about an hour I saw her walking down a street about three blocks from our house shivering and crying. She got in the car and in an instant I felt the most amazing wave of relief and gratefulness wash over me.... and then I wanted to kill her!
We came home and still had a few words to say to each other...can you believe she still had some sass in her??? OH HECK NO!!! So I made her sit down with the dictionary and look up honor, respect & INFURIATED. She also had to look up and read to me Deuteronomy 5:16 "16Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee"...and we had a long talk about that. She seemed to get it. At least for tonight she does.

She's sleeping now. She's safe. She's warm. I walk by her door and I start to tear up. I can remember when a dear friend of mine faced a similar situation several years ago when his daughter ran away one night. He was torn up. And when she came home and he walked past her bedroom door he said he just wanted to go in and strangle her but at the same time he was just so overwhelmingly grateful that she was there. I now know the feeling.
As a parent of teenagers you are just pretty much helpless. You can hope they will yield to you, but they are old enough that if they want to be rebellious they're going to be. I'm so not used to that.

So for tonight my beautiful firstborn daughter is sleeping under my roof, right where she always has been, right where she should be. God help me I don't know what I'm gonna do when she gets married or moves out! My heart is going to be ripped from it's cavity! But I guess that's what this process is about to some extent...getting me ready to let her go.
Bringing her into my home in the first place was so painful (36 hours of labor on Christmas day!!! )...and getting her ready to leave my home hurts even worse.

11.28.2005

Oh Christmas tree

Well, the tree is up, some of the lights are up outside (the ones where no ladder was required) and needless to say.... I'M WHOOPED!!! I'm frustrated because last year I made a BEAUTIFUL pine garland for around the kitchen entryway and now it's missing. It had lights, pinecones, red bulbs...all kinds of goodies...nope, nowhere to be found. My gut is telling me that last year when I asked Darren to carry it out to the shed for me he was too lazy and decided to just throw it away instead. But of course I can't prove that. So I'm out of luck. GRRRR. Other than that the house is looking gorgeous!I usually have a big Christmas party every year....and I'm starting to get the itch! I love, love, love, love, love getting the house all prettied up, putting on some Christmas music and having all of my friends over(the ones that will venture out in the snow and don't live four hours away anyways lol). We'll see what happens. Other than that...not a whole lot going on here! I'm going to be making candles tomorrow....ORDERS STILL BEING TAKEN PEOPLE!!! (just send either me or Allison a message!) Allison, Shawnda and hopefully Megan are supposed to be coming up around the 12th.... YAY US!!! Girls weekend, candlemaking, Christmastime....what could be better???? I'm so excited! I can't wait!!! :)

11.26.2005

Isn't this supposed to be flu season???

The nursing supervisor just called me and h.c.'d me (house convenience) for the first four hours of my shift because they have too much staff scheduled for the few patients that we have. I have two thoughts... 1.) HOLY CRAP! I'm broke and need to work!!! lol and 2.)I thought this was supposed to be flu season!!! I know I have been sick as a D-0-G for the past two weeks and actually feel worse today than I have for several days..... am I the only one??? Where are all the sick people???

Oh well, there's a reason for everything and I should just be grateful that I don't have to be getting ready for work right now as miserable as I feel. So, for the next few hours I'm going to be chilling out and relaxing on the couch and wondering if I'm going to work at 11 or if they're going to cancel me then too. Can you tell I'm all "cough-syrup'd" up? lol I'm kind of babbling!! I guess maybe it's a good thing they cancelled me! haha

Ok, so here's the update. They tried to cancel me again at 11:00 and I basically begged for mercy. So I got to go in for 8 hours and immediately felt bad about it because while i was grateful I was earning much-needed income...my family kept calling for help... courtney is sick, amelia is throwing up, amelia is starting to have an asthma attack...where's her inhaler? etc,etc,etc. So I felt totally guilty and helpless about being at work...and I felt bad for Courtney that she had to deal with all of that. She's almost 14 but she's just a baby herself. Other than that though, work was great. Quiet and slow. Or should I say s-l-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow. That's more like it. lol I decorated the floor for Christmas and tried to make time pass quicker. And now I'm home. I've taken my sleeping pill and am feeling sufficiently stoned from it...I think I'll be able to sleep now. :) I'd better get going to bed. Have a good day everyone! :)

11.23.2005

A thankful heart

Well, after a heck of a drive we're finally here! For those of you who don't know where "here" is...it's West Virginia where my parents moved last year when they retired. We were invited to come down for Thanksgiving and hesitantly said yes. For one reason...I LOVE spending the holiday at home...it's for being home and relaxing with family. Secondly...the time of year! I just KNEW it was going to blizzard!!! And guess what??? I WAS RIGHT!!! The whole way down here it was nearly white-out conditions. By the time I got here the entire front of my car was 2 inches thick with ice. My step-dad had to take a snow scraper and bust the ice off of my headlights for me! But the kids are really excited because they get to go sledding down the mountain that my parents now call home (don't ask me why...that mountain-loving gene is missing from my DNA) tomorrow when my brother Kevin brings over the sleds. When my parents moved down here pretty much everyone followed them. They've just about convinced my little brother to come down and then there will be just me left! And forget it pal! I'm NOT moving to these mountains! They're beautiful to look at, but by the time I get to their house after driving in them I'm cussing like a sailor! lol So anyways, we've arrived at our family's new home-base and tomorrow my brothers and sisters-in-law, nephews, and probably even a few pets will be here for dinner. (Which of course means that I will be ready to come back home by lunchtime!!! haha) So for tonight my little ones are enjoying their time with Grandpa, Courtney's disappeared to one of the bedrooms to take advantage of the free long distance (yes, they really have free long distance down here! You could call France and it would be free!)And I am here..on the computer being a horrible house guest! So I'd better get in there and participate. I hope you all have a fabulous holiday! May we all be thankful for the blessings in our lives and know that they all come from above. May all of the Americans who cannot be here for the Holiday have their hearts lifted and spirits blessed. God bless our soldiers, our families, our homes, our lives, our churches, our president and mostly GOD BLESS AMERICA.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I LOVE YOU ALL!!

11.22.2005

It's Alive!!

I fixed it! I fixed it! I fixed it!!! (*dancing around the house and singing*) WHO NEEDS A MAN BABY??? lol I took the front off of the washer, reset the out of balance switch and then when that didn't work I was told I needed to find the fuse and replace that. So I called Greg and had him talk me down from the ledge because you all know what a chicken butt I am and of course was afraid of getting electrocuted. haha So being the electrician of the group... he got the honors! :) THANKS PAL!!! So I went to Lowe's, bought the new fuse, came home, popped it in and lo and behold..... A WORKING WASHING MACHINE!!! yeehaw! Isn't it funny what we get excited about as grown ups?

11.21.2005

My washer is dying

My washer is sick. It might even be dying. I turn it on and no water comes in. It will spin but no water. I've been online trying to self-diagnose and have found a few things but nothing I can do on my own. And hello!!!..... $$$$CHA-CHING$$$$!!! So, please pray for my washer...for a speedy and miraculous recovery. Anybody have a tissue? Soapie just called me a dirty-butt because my avatar is wearing the same clothes two days in a row... but HELLLOOOOO???? MY WASHER IS BROKEN!!!!! DUH!!! lol

11.18.2005

Unbroken

So here I am again. Most of you know about it. For those that don't, last night was an ugly, ugly, painful night. I was accused of something really ugly and hurtful by a friend and put in a position that left me no options but to strike back. I am so heartbroken. Sometimes that word is thrown around a bit carelessly but I seem to have had my share of heartbrokenness lately...and today I am so sad I don't know what to say. I know at least one other person that is feeling this kind of pain right now. She's hurting probably worse than I am and unfortunately she's lashing out at me. She's my friend. I love her. I tried to protect her but it didn't work and now there's pain. Pain caused by an ignorant, mean-spirited, selfish, malicious person. A person that we both trusted and who let us down so hard that we landed with a big crash.

Why does this overall situation seem so familiar? I know that everytime something bad happens it doesn't mean I did something wrong to deserve punishment. Sometimes crap just happens...but it seems that I am consistently being faced with the same kind of people. I'm pretty much able to spot 'em when I see 'em like I've been writing about, but the problem is that I'm still not acting on protecting myself right away. I'm ignoring my alarm bells. Even if it's not as much as before I'm still doing it to one point or another. I've heard compromise described as "going just a tiny bit below what you know is right." It's lowering your standards and accepting even just a tiny bit less than your gut is telling you that you should. We all tend to think that the little things don't really matter...but God is in the details.... or not. I have to admit that I compromised in this situation. I allowed some conversation (although totally innocent) that should have never happened. Entertained someone through politeness because I didn't want to offend them or seem rude. I totally compromised. Just a tiny bit. Now that tiny compromise has turned into a titanic disaster. One that will probably NEVER be fixed.

Today my blast says "experience is when you know what to expect the next time you screw up in the same way." So true. I can see that each time I compromise in the same way my mistake gets proportionately smaller. 12 years ago I compromised by letting the evil one into my life.... HUGE, HUGE, HUGE mistake.....all the way up to this current situation which was like a little "oops" where I really didn't blatantly do anything wrong....but my consequences are still huge because God's been trying to teach me about this for a long time. I don't want to look at this situation and play victim... I want to look at this and say "what can I learn from this...why did this happen?" And I know that for one thing it's because I really have got to stop compromising for fear of offending someone. Secondly, I need to deal with the abuse issues from my past.

Last night I wept over the guilt that I felt. I felt so dirty and shameful. Allison kept saying, "why do you feel guilty??? You didn't do anything wrong???" So I started examining that. Why did I feel so guilty? It's because I tend to perceive myself at times by the negativity of the different messages I've received over the years and the events of my past. I was told that I was so many different ugly and dirty things by the evil one that even though I know he's a complete IDIOT, those words tend to sometimes rear their ugly little heads in my conscience sometimes. If you hear that garbage for long enough a part of you starts to believe it after a while and everytime I think that I'm past it.... I'm shown that NOPE.... I still have trouble seeing myself as the righteousness of Christ. I know that none of that garbage I've been told is true. I know that I am a beautiful, smart, loyal, funny, giving, passionate, feminine woman. Maybe that's why God keeps allowing me to face these abusive jerks every now and then...so that I can continue to be pruned of all the dead stuff so that I can bear fruit. Still, sometimes enough is enough and God never gives me more than I can handle. He shields me when it is going to be too much. Last night this creep kept leaving me nasty voice mails on my phone and my alarm bells were going off... big time. I could not bring myself to listen to them.... no way. I just knew I wasn't supposed to and I obeyed. So Allison offered to call my voicemail from her house and screen them for me.... and thank God she did. She said she almost deleted at least one of them because she instantly thought to herself, "this is something that she does not need to hear." I never did listen to any of them....deleted them all. Not only am I going to work to get that garbage out of me... I refuse to feed it. Anything will die if you just don't feed it... so I will not ever knowingly allow that garbage in my ears again. Garbage in, garbage out. I thank God that as he teaches me and weeds out people that don't belong in my life that he also has friends there that are ever-lasting. Friends that are willing to help you at 2 in the morning, listen to voicemails and defend your honor. I've had a song running through my head this evening that reminds me of this.... Unbroken by Zoegirl. Here are the lyrics.

Fallen to pieces
(I am undone)
The things you said
(Manipulation)
I trusted you like a fool
While you made all the rules
So you searched me out
And you took me down

To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken, had not shattered me
If I was unbroken, I’d never know
The beauty of hope, and how far grace will go
To be unbroken
To be unbroken

The things you found
(To use against me)
Have lost their sound
(Where mercy and truth meet)
I fell to the Father’s feet
His words washed all over me
And all the scars you made
Watch them fade away

To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken, had not shattered me
If I was unbroken, I’d never know
The beauty of hope, and how far grace will go
To be unbroken
To be unbroken

I’ve tasted bitter, tasted sweet
Embraced the victory, and some defeat
I’ve tasted bitter, tasted sweet
I found the beauty in the place they meet

To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken, had not shattered me
If I was unbroken, I’d never know
The beauty of hope, and how far grace will go

To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken, had not shattered me
If I was unbroken, I’d never know
The beauty of hope, and how far grace will go
To be unbroken
To be unbroken

11.17.2005

100 things about me

Almost any blog you look on these days people have their "100 things about me" lists. Who am I to break tradition???

1. I love vocal standards and big band...they're my absolute favorite.
2. my favorite colors are sage green, deep red/burgandy and earth tones... black for clothing.
3. I do a great impression of billy crystal in "when harry met sally"... "pecan pieeeeee" LOL
4. I'm afraid of dogs.
5. I love cats but am allergic to them.
6. I'm a side sleeper.
7. I'm a pillow-flipper (i like the cold side of the pillow). LOL
8. Marching bands are one of my favorite sounds in the whole world.
9. Seven is my favorite #.
10. I can't stand the feel, sight, sound, thought of paper of any kind (including the wood it came from)....it skeeves me out so bad...blah! lol like fingernails on a chalkboard.
11. My first kiss was with a guy named "Hank".
12. I think i'm one of the only women on the earth who doesn't like roses....i wouldn't complain if i got them, but I would never pick them for myself.
13. I fear change.
14. I love, love, love to sing... but really stink at it.
15. I have never done drugs.
16. I'm too nice for my own good.
17. Don't get me a plant, it will die. lol
18. I'm the walking definition of procrastination.
19. I HATE the cold.
20. I have a fear of tornados.
21. I'm such a huge sap I cry over everything.
22. I wear rose-colored glasses and I wear them quite well might I add.
23. I love Janis Joplin
24. and Melissa Etheridge
25. and Renee Olstead
26. I love Christmas music... I listen to it all year long.
27. I am soooo not a morning person
28. I'm a totally typical capricorn.
29. I don't want to jynx myself but *knock on wood* lol I've never had a speeding ticket.
30. I'm a total germ-o-phobe
31. I'm addicted to chapstick/lipgloss.
32. I HATE to cook... i will and am ok at it... but hate, hate, hate it and will try to get out of it every chance I get.
33. I love my naturally dark hair color... brunettes ROCK!
34. I'm listening to Harry Connick Jr.... "Do you know what it means to miss new orleans" right now.
35. I had my heart broken this year.
36. Many of my relationships have ended in the month of September.... don't ask me why.
37. I never liked New Kids on the Block.
38. My mom wouldn't let me wear the one lace Madonna glove when I was in Jr. High... she said it looked like a "hooker glove".
39. I got saved when I was 15 while laying in my bed.
40. I made up a horrible rumor in high school about Charmaine Bohrer because she tried to steal my boyfriend (John Algarin)...now I feel bad and wish she would've taken him.
41. I CAN'T STAND 98% of 80's music.
42. I'm a messy person
43. I love the show "Thirtysomething"
44. Chris Nunez from "Miami Ink" is hot as balls!
45. So is Matt Johnston from "It takes a Thief"... gorgeous!!! he my baby daddy! lol
46. All of the Tyler Perry Plays (ex: Diary of a Mad Black Woman) CRACK ME UP!!
47. I love New York City.
48. I am a total girly-girl
49. I can't draw.
50. The only kind of music I can't stand is heavy metal.
51. I have a really dirty mind.
52. I sleep with a fan on for the noise.
53. When I find music I like I listen to it over and over again without getting tired of it.
54. I'm a tea drinker... Earl Grey mmmmm
55. I have solved all of the Tom Clancy Splinter Cell xbox games
56. Other than that I never play video games
57. I'm a toilet paper over the top kind of person...even at someone else's house I'll change it because it bugs me so bad.
58. I'm a "big girl" but LOVE my body... I have an hour glass figure and am very curvy.
59. Absolutely ADORE Sex and the City. I'm a mix between Carrie and Charlotte with a tiny bit of Samantha thrown in.
60. I believe that there are soulmates and love mates... you have an instant connection with you soulmate that never seems to go away and you can't explain (even though you don't always get to be with that person)...love mates are those you love and CHOOSE to spend your life partnered with.
61. Have a huge fear of whales....shut up! Quit judging me!!! LOL
62. Love Louis Armstrong
63. I'm REALLY shy until I get to know you (even if I fake it and make you think I'm not).
64. I think Moulin Rouge was a beautiful work of art.
65. I love to quote movies.
66. I LOVE Napoleon Dynamite... heck yes I do.
67. I let my ex-boyfriend give my hair highlights while sitting on my back porch drinking wine. (they actually turned out great LOL)
68. Love the song "I've Grown Accustomed to her Face"....performed by Michael Feinstein.
69. And "Come Rain or Come Shine"...sung by Ray Charles.
70. I have my funeral planned out...even the music that should be played.
71. I have my will made.
72. I'm a total homebody. I would be happy to go a month without leaving my house.
73. I can nurse the same beverage all day long.
74. My dad was a pool shark.
75. If I can't win I usually don't like to play.
76. I can't stand knowing someone has a grudge against me.
77. I have the strongest conscience of anyone I've ever met....if I do something wrong I won't last more than 10 minutes before I have to fess up and fix it.
78. I'm much more traditional and conservative than most people first think.
79. I'm prone to depression.
80. My short-term memory is crap anymore.
81. I hate beer.
82. I hate confrontation.
83. I've discovered it's pretty hard to come up with 100 things about yourself.
84. I'm a total voyeur. I'll watch anyone do anything....I don't like to be the center of attention, I love to sit back and observe. I'd love to be invisible for a day just so I could see what people do when no one is around.
85. My favorite article of clothing are my old paint-stained sweat-pants.
86. I could spend hours in the office supply aisle just looking around.
87. My favorite karaoke song to do is "Ice Ice Baby"
88. Or "Shoop" by salt n peppa
89. I used to love roller coasters but now I hate them. There's so much peer pressure to ride those stupid things!
90. I'm a very touchy-feely person.
91. I would love to be able to speak all of the French I learned in high school.
92. My cell phone hardly ever leaves my side.
93. Cleaned bathrooms at Cedar Point amusement park in high school. (let me tell you... women are PIGS in public bathrooms!!!)
94. I've never lived alone in my whole life.
95. I hate folding and putting away laundry.
96. Music is my inspiration and most of the time I have a soundtrack to my life running in my head...(this song would be perfect right now).
97. I have an amazing sweet tooth.
98. prefer necklaces to any other jewelry (sometimes rings)... hardly ever wear earrings.
99. I can't stand it when people call me "Roni" or "Ronnie" or any version thereof.
100. I can't believe you read this whole thing.

Tell Mama

Most people think I'm crazy.... but I love, love, love, love, love Janis Joplin. I was just watching a documentary on a music Festival from 1970 that she was in and it reminded me all over again how much I love her. Hers was a really tragic story... she was young and made some pretty bad mistakes... but which one of us hasn't. I'm not here to judge her or analyze her...only to honor her. Man, her voice gives me goosebumps...she's awesome! I now have two of her songs going back and forth in my head... Cry Baby and Tell Mama (all about it!.... I'm jammin over here! lol)She was a passionate woman who dove head first into everything she did (gee, sounds familiar lol)...even to her demise. I hope I can learn from her mistakes but also take from her the good things...she was a cool woman.

11.15.2005

Graphics

Wanna know what I've been doing all evening? Making graphics! It's amazing how relaxing that is for me. I really should start my own website selling the graphics that I make. I can get lost for hours and hours just making little silly nothings. I made the above one a few years ago.

I don't have anything really exciting to say today (which is AWESOME!! haha) and no profound insights....just thought I would let you guys into my exciting world (woo hoo!). I can't wait to make the candles. I didn't think I wanted to but I'm actually getting excited about it again. Maybe that's one of the reasons that I had gotten depressed lately... I've moved too far away from most things that I'm passionate about. My friend (or ex-friend unfortunately) Scott kept trying to get me to make candles again...he even offered to pay for it and I would never take him up on it. I thought that was a chapter that I was ready to leave behind me. But I gotta tell you... I'm kind of glad everyone has talked me into it this Christmas. I think I needed something to get excited about! :)

11.14.2005

Another weekend over

Ahhhh, another weekend is finally over. This weekend seemed really hard! I even had to take a break last night and go lay down for an hour.... I haven't done that in years. I wonder if I'm coming down with something or if it was just particularly trying.

I had a ton of "bell ringers".... people who for one reason or another constantly ring their call bells. So you can't really get anything done because as soon as you start to do something, on comes the call light. That in and of itself isn't bad... but when they do it 40 or 50 times in a shift and don't really need anything it gets pretty irritating. So I had a couple of those, I had two older gentleman who WOULD NOT stay in bed so their alarms were going off all night long and you'd have to jump out of your seat and take off bolting down the hall to make sure they weren't going to fall and break a hip or something. Then on Saturday I had a man who was actively dying and it seems that no one had been totally honest with the son...he still seemed hopeful that he was going to "pull out of it". Well, I knew within a matter of hours that he would be gone and so I had to be the one to break it to the son. Very emotional. Ministered to him all night long. You get the picture. I had ten patients who were not easy to handle this weekend. Sometimes they aren't so bad, sometimes (like this weekend) it takes everything you have. It saps your spirit so hard that you almost crawl home like you've come out of a battle. Nursing is a profession that you give so much of yourself (if you're doing it properly that is) that sometimes you don't have a whole lot left for yourself at the end of the day. You can go through every single emotion in one shift. You can be so aggrevated with someone in this room. Cry, mourn and pray with the people in the next room. Rejoice over good news for the next patient. It's that roller coaster I was talking about yesterday....and it happens all in twelve hours. I think that's why on Mondays I'm pretty much useless. God has to pretty much remove me from life for a little while to refill my cup. But you know what? I wouldn't do anything different even if I could. I can't imagine not being able to be a nurse any more. It is one of the biggest and most cherished blessings in my life. I am so proud to be a nurse and know that someones life is just a little bit better today because of the parts of myself that I invested in them last night.

I've heard it said that "most people don't truly understand what nursing is until they experience it as a patient." Some people still don't get it even after being a patient.... but most people do. They have very grateful and humble hearts and that makes it all worthwhile to me...because I have a very grateful and humble heart for the ability and honor to take care of them when they are the sickest and at their most vulnerable. What a ministry God has allowed me to have!!!

11.10.2005

Barf session!!!

ok.... I'm having a big barf session..... I just need to let it alllllll out!!!!!

Have I said lately that I CAN'T STAND MY EX HUSBAND??????????? Cause if not.... let me say it now! I CANNOT STAND MY EX HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!! What an arrogant, smug, inconsiderate, uncaring, selfish, short-sighted narrow-minded ASSHOLE!!!

For those of you who don't know.... my son was diagnosed with childhood bipolar disorder. He has RAGING mood swings and had gotten to the point where I was fearing for people's safety. So he's been on trileptal (which is actually an anti-seizure medication but has been found to work for children with bipolar to control their mood swings) for probably at least a year now. This med WORKED MIRACLES!!! It really was a lifesaver around here. The problem the whole time he's been on it is that my wonderful ex-asshole thinks that Darren has never needed the med and that there is nothing wrong with Darren (because he's just a perfect little angel who's fallen under the horrible care of a wicked mother.... geez!). Darren typically doesn't act the he normally does around Randy too much..... for two reasons, I believe (and were backed up by his therapist)....1: RANDY IS HARDLY EVER AROUND!!! Duh! He usually leaves in the evening by five oclock and comes home between midnight and four in the morning. This happens at least 4-5 days a week. 2: Darren doesn't trust that Randy won't leave again. He feels safe with me so he isn't on guard around me, hence different behavior. But even if he wasn't seeing it at first... I'm telling him the behavior is there. My other children are telling him the behavior is there. During therapy the counselor had to stop the sessions and call Randy at work to tell him "I'm sorry but you need to be here because I have never seen a boy so out of control and frankly I'm at a loss as to what to do with him. He's obviously changing his behavior around you and pitting one parent against the other.... so you need to be here to witness this and participate." Nope... still "nothing wrong with Darren." So this has been the constant battle. I've even caught him encourage D. to not take his pills and hide it from me. Ugggh! Just saying that makes me mad at him!

So here's the issue now. A week or so ago Darren was having dizzy spells. He was acting totally stoned is what it looked like. A little groggy, bad balance....drunk looking basically. Well, his Dr. had given me a little bit of leeway when it came to the dosage. Because I'm a nurse I know all of the safety stuff, not to give too much, not to wean too fast, blah, blah, blah. My first question was "have you been taking your medicine like you're supposed to?" "Yes Mom." Why am I not believing him? So of course Randy's in my face yelling, "you're such a bad mother! he doesn't need any medication!" (Let me just remind everyone....as if I need to...... that to tell someone they are a bad mother....especially one who has faught so dilligently and sacrificed so much for her kids..... ARE MAJOR FIGHTING WORDS.) So we had it out. I agreed to taper darren down to half the dose he was on (which is still a good dose), but I also took him to the regular medical doctor for a checkup. He thinks he has an ear infection maybe (which would cause dizziness, etc.) and gave him a RX for antibiotic. Never get it filled because by the time we get to the car Darren is bouncing all over the place, laughing, says he feels great and he'll go to school. Fine. Last I ever heard about it. BUT I ALSO STARTED WATCHING HIM LIKE A HAWK ABOUT TAKING THOSE PILLS! one in the morning. one at night. That was a week ago. No symptoms. So I started to let my guard down a little bit. Shrugged my shoulders and moved on. Who knows what happened.

So this morning I get up and Darren is not gone for school and is crying while he's eating his breakfast. Before I could even ask what was wrong Randy pounces on me that it's happening again and "I know it's that fucking medicine!". And I reply "OR LACK THEREOF!" I asked Darren if he's slacked up on taking the med since I haven't been watching him the last few days.... "yes mom." I tell him I'm having a really hard time believing it. Randy's screaming at me "he SHOULD'T be taking the medicine! He SHOULD be taking it and flushing it down the toilet! And I refuse to let him take it anymore! YOU'RE JUST A HORRIBLE MOTHER WHO DOESN'T WANT HIM AROUND SO YOU THINK THAT IF YOU DOPE HIM UP ENOUGH HE'LL JUST GO TO SLEEP AND NEVER HAVE TO LOOK AT HIM AGAIN!" So what happened next???? Yep, you guessed it. You know that normally cool, calm and collected composure that i have? NOPE! GONE! GLOVES CAME OFF!!!!! We went at it. How dare him say those things to me!!! I would die for my children!!! In fact, I love Darren SO MUCH that I am willing to 1: risk the social embarrassment that most parents would feel by admitting that their child has psychiatric issues, 2: put him on medication ( YA'LL KNOW HOW I HATE MEDICINE!!), 3: inconvenience myself with weekly or twice weekly trips to counseling and dr's, etc. All of this because I refuse to let him fall through the cracks! He's a great kid underneath all of this crap... and I refuse to lose him to the detention hom, prison, drugs, alcohol, etc. because of this. It needed addressed, fixed and we needed to move on with normal lives. But Randy refused to let it happen.

I'm so tired. Just so tired. Tired of dealing with it all. Darren totally takes his Dads side (of course... what kid wants to be told this is wrong with him?). There are so many times I want to throw my hands up and scream FINE! TAKE HIM AND GO!!! I'M DONE!!! But the mother in me won't allow my boy to be hurt like that.

So this morning through all of the yelling... I did just that....I threw my hands up and screamed "FINE!!! you want him off the meds.... fine!!!! I'm done!!!!" Then I told Darren that he CANNOT just abruptly stop taking them, he needs to wean off. So for now... 1/2 pill in morning, 1/2 at night. Then down again. No, Randy starts screaming at me that he's not allowing him to take any more of them PERIOD. I asked him if he knew what that could do! You cannot just stop these kinds of meds!!! He says to me "NOTHING is going to happen to a perfectly healthy boy just because you stop a medicine that he didn't need in the first place!" I remind him that I'm a nurse but he could care less. So I look at him as calmly as I've ever been and say quietly to him.... "fine, but if he gets worse before he gets better...... if ANYTHING happens to my son....... this is on YOUR CONSCIENCE."

I was FURIOUS.

So I looked up on the internet the symptoms of trileptal withdrawal... showed them to Randy...... and he just stammered like an idiot, "uh uh uh even if he's already dizzy and having trouble? you really think maybe he should have more?" I replied "I think he's having symptoms because he's ALREADY NOT TAKING THE MEDICINE! and I also think this is because he's a: dehydrated and b: has an ear infection. So hot shot, here is the prescription for antibiotics that never got filled.... give him some fluids and get this filled..... this is in your hands now remember? YOU FIX IT."

What an incredible jerk. I'm so fed up I don't know what to do with myself! Because of the financial trouble I've had this year I've had some late payments and so my credit has suffered.... can't refinance now!!! I tried last week. I just want to get my children and get out. This is just another fine example of when we think we know what's best for ourselves and God keeps saying "no"... but we keep on asking trying to convince him that it will be ok. Then he finally gives us enough rope to hang ourselves. I don't know what I was thinking buying a house with him. AN EX IS AN EX FOR A REASON!

Stopping the legacy

Sometimes in families things get passed down from generation to generation that are priceless and valuable. You cherish them, insure them, pass on stories about them. You set them out on display for everyone to see because you are so proud of them. You might even list them in your will because they are such a valued part of your heritage that it's important for them to be passed on to your loved ones. But what about when some of the things getting passed on aren't so great? What about dysfunction and hurt. Unfortunately more often than not those things get passed down too. When you know better you do better, but until that happens you just keep doing bad. And instead of handing down the locket, silver or family paintings you hand down the sarcasm, the critical spiritedness, anger, bitterness and resentments (just to name a few). Sometimes there has to come a time when a person is willing to stand up and say "This legacy stops here."

The Lord knows that I've had my family struggles... I've even written about some of them on here. But some of the people dearest to my heart are facing these issues today as we speak. I'm not actually going through it today, but my heart is aching for them just as if I were.

It takes courage to stand up for yourself....especially to your family. Sometimes, though, it's necessary. To continue to allow ourselves to go through the same garbage over and over is nothing short of neglect and abuse and it's a sin against your spirit, heart and body... because we are the temple of the Holy Spirit. So God begins to take us on a journey. Some people don't know or acknowledge their journeys and they stay in the middle of the garbage heap. Some of us... the lucky ones... see the trouble and seek to change it. And it's after the "light-bulb moment" when it's known and recognized that help and healing are needed that God brings us to a crossroads. You can continue on the same path.......................or you can take a deep breath, fall to your knees in prayer, put on your armor, muster your courage...............then stand in faith.............and turn. Turn to the road less traveled. No one said it would be easy. As a matter of fact it will probably be hard. It's scary. But once you're aware of the problem you can't pretend you're not and it's then that you have to do something to change. Alot of people are too afraid to make the turn and start a new journey. New beginnings are really frightening. And sad! Every new beginning comes from some other new beginnings end. Think about that for a moment. In order to have a new beginning.... something else has to end. Endings are sad.... even when it's a happy ending you'll usually find people crying! But you know what? God is faithful and we have to trust that he is giving us good courage to go out even when we aren't sure where we're going. All we know is that his hand is leading us and his love is supporting us.

Being brave doesn't mean you're not afraid... it just means that when you're afraid you do it anyways. Sometimes doing the right thing means knowing that you're afraid... but you make the decision to just step out.......and do it afraid.

11.08.2005

she loves me, she loves me not

It's another one of those nights. We had such a good weekend. She stayed home from school and we even had such a good day yesterday. We were both laid back, humor was flying, there were frequent hugs and "I love you's" (as is typical in this house). Tonight... not so much. My teenager needs some chicken soup for her soul. So do I. So does anyone living in this house that was within 100 feet of the battle zone. I knew it was getting bad when I saw my little ones putting on their flack jackets and kevlar helmets, turning the dining room table on its side to use for shelter and screaming "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!!!". lol

My poor mother!!! I had the same sassy mouth that Courtney does. As a matter of fact I STILL have the natural tendency to have the same sassy mouth that she does but I just don't have to answer to my mother for it on a daily basis now. She just doesn't learn!!! My job as a parent is to love her, nurture her, teach her, make sure she knows Jesus, etc. etc.... and to inflict some pain into her life when her butt steps out of line. But nothing is working. I haven't found the currency that works in her world. If you take Canadian money to Japan....you won't get far. You have to find the currency that works there for it to be of any value. Well, I'm having trouble finding Courtney's true currency. I've tried it all. Seems that way anyways. The other day she got herself grounded for three weeks (one day added for everytime she sassed off, tried to get the last word, etc.). THREE WEEKS! She's STILL serving her sentence! Do you think it's deterred her one bit? nope. This evening she earned her brothers chores on top of hers and worked it up unil Saturday. Then she also earned her sisters chores on top of both of the others until Saturday. Then she earned both of them again on Sunday. Then because I was to the point where I was so incapable of remaining calm that I screamed at her that this is all going to be finished tomorrow because if she doesn't go to her room and not let me see her face again tonight that I swear I'm going to go to jail tonight because I am about to drag her across that kitchen and beat her down!!! So she ran this way to her room crying the whole way that she hates me and slammed the door and I went that way fuming that I was going to kill her and went out the kitchen door and slammed it. I stood out in the crisp cool air eyes watering, breathing heavy, cheeks red, pulse thumping....................... silence..............that's all I could hear out there. My head was still spinning. My desire to control and my frustration that she's trying to resist me at every turn have me in a total internal (and tonight external) uproar. I started praying. Of course the words wouldn't come. It was a very choppy prayer. "Lord.... please calm me down.....be with her......can you believe her????.......please help me to be a better.........help her to be a better.........I don't know what to do........I'm so sorry........... I did it again..........I'm a horrible example.......... I must be a horrible mother........... what a rotten kid!!!...........no, she's a great kid with a horrible mouth............i've lost her forever haven't I?......they're gonna be in therapy FOREVER when they're adults I just know it.......I know, I know, I'm dramatic.......there's trash in the yard........the gate's open........these kids never listen!.......man I'm tired of this.........sorry Lord, got sidetracked.........Randy never helps..........I can't even think right now!!! .. Lord, please help me. Please help everything. Amen."

So I came in the house. She's in her room with the radio blasting which infuriates me even more because I told her to go to her room and go straight to bed. Here it is about twenty minutes later and not only is she not in bed..... her light is on......and her radio is full blast. The prayers start again. " LORD!!! SHE'S NOT DOING IT!!!! I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE!!!!! COME ON!!!! WON'T YOU HELP ME????" I felt a small wave of peace and control come over me enough to let me get away with just doing the police-pound on her door *THUMP-THUMP-THUMP*..... i hear "WHAT???" being screamed at me from the other side of the door and my temples begin to throb once again. I open her door and growl through my clenched teeth.... "TURN OFF THAT MUSIC AND GET IN THAT BED NOOOOOOOOWWWWWW." I did pretty good! Praise God! LOL

I now sit here feeling deflated, ashamed and guilty. I did it again. I know that she comes by her head-stongedness (is that even a word? lol) as naturally as I do, but I sure don't do a very good job of leading by example as to how we can do better. Huge fault and weakness of mine... I own that. But you know what... I am not and never will hold myself up in front of my children as the main example they should follow...... JESUS IS THEIR EXAMPLE. That doesn't give me an excuse to behave badly, but points them toward the true standard. Unfortunately I know that all too often I'm going to fail as an example. They need a consistent, unchanging example and that only comes from Jesus.

I was shown a Christian parenting article tonight as I sat down to write this as only God can do.... it sure was a word in due season! I'll copy a small part of it here.

"Since harsh words and impatient attitudes are frequent offenses in our family, it would be easy for me to live in guilt over the bad example I've set. But several years ago, Romans 8:1 became a key verse in my life: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." As I recall this verse, I remind myself that, as a Christian, I do not stand condemned. I stand in grace and forgiveness by what Jesus Christ did on the cross. That brings freedom in two areas: it frees me from the guilt of my own sinful actions, and, it frees me to confront my children confidently when they are unloving and impatient with each other. When we view our family as sinners saved by grace and believers who live under grace, we feel freedom in knowing we can confess our sin and receive forgiveness from each other and from God. "

Wow did I need that!!! Harsh words and impatient attitudes are way too common around here lately. I tend to beat myself up about it because I do know better and I am supposed to be the example. I was talking to Allison about just how tired I am lately. I've been doing this since I was 18 years old and I'm getting tiiiiiiiiiiirrrrred!!! It's alot more challenging for me to be patient, kind.... heck it's even harder to just be funny!

Watching those home videos the other day really did help alot. I was reminded just how absolutely sweet, perfect and innocent all of my babies were. (unfortunately it can also remind me how much i've screwed them up!!!! haha) I believe that the teen years are God's way of preparing you to release them as adults. If they stayed perfect and cute and snuggly their whole lives you'd never let them go!!! So I guess she's right on track. She's preparing me reeeeeaaaaalllll good!!! LOL Kids.... they're either a big lump in your throat or a big pain in your butt!!!

11.07.2005

The idea of it all

You know part of me has almost forgotten I used to own a business. Time really does heal things huh? It was a relatively successful business at that. It's a shame I had to quit. Shut it down. Finito. The demands of single-motherdom and the emotional needs of my children at that time were (and still are) too big to devote all of my time and energy to a fledgling business.

I never realized how much time and devotion starting and running a business took! Man oh man, there would be days I'd be sitting at the computer having only had 2 or 3 hours of sleep in the last several days, no shower, hair a mess.... actually that was a rather good way to get my kids to leave me alone for a while cause no one would want to come near me smelling like that!!! haha But I was obsessed! I LOOOOOOOOOVED that business! It was my baby. From the concept to the graphics, packaging, marketing, web-site design.... I was a rather fantastic one-woman show. And not to brag or anything.... yeah, ok I'm gonna brag! lol.... MY CANDLES ROOOOOOOOOOCKED!!! I don't just mean they were good, I could totally kick Yankee Candles butt anyday! I was good at it. I've learned to acknowledge my strengths as well as weaknesses and believe me there's a whole lot more of the latter! So when I come across something I'm actually good at.... I'm admitting to it! This weekend, unbeknownst to me, my domain name got renewed and I got the receipt via email that they had charged my checking account automatically (grrrrrrrr!). Of course I had cancelled it, of course they're going to reimburse me... that's not what I want to talk about.... it's that I had actually forgotten (at least in part of my brain) that it existed. It's been three years now...wow how time flies! This got Allison & I talking during our girls weekend about how she wants to learn to make candles. Of course I said I'd be happy to teach her...then I got to thinking.... hey, wait a minute! She's one of my best customers.... I'm not gonna teach her to make her own!!! haha Maybe I should re-open? Actually, my friend Kristin & I have been thinking about opening a business together. Different name, partners instead of solo. I've been teaching her how to make my candles for the last couple of years and we made some as Christmas gifts last year.... a HUGE hit with the friends and fam! So I've been thinking.... should I? Could I? I feel like k-k-k-katie from "The Way We Were" singing "Memories". LOL ('Your girl is lovely Hubble.').... OH COME ON!!! You guys haven't seen the way we were???? How can you be a girl and not have seen the way we were? Wow. Rent it. Even if it's outdated it's almost a mandatory thing as a girl! You grow boobs, start your period, learn about sex (from your best friend and not your mother of course), watch the way we were. Ok, back to the subject!

So anyyyywaaayyyys.... the question was should I re-open? Yeah... a part of me would love to.... and I certainly could use the money!!! But the more I think about it, the more I'm thinking that it wasn't so much the business that I loved, but it was the idea of the business. I love the idea of going through the process, seeing something grow that I can be proud of, hearing people talk about how much they love my product....what a good job I'm doing. I don't miss the work. I sure don't miss the sore back from sitting at this computer most of the time. I don't miss never cooking for my kids. I don't miss having to remake 200 + candles because Fed-ex stomped on the boxes and broke every single one of them ("but of course we'll reimburse you!"...yeah, but you're not gonna remake them for me!!!). Yeah... it's the idea of being a successful business owner.

So that got me thinking about other aspects of my life. Do I really love all of the things that I hold onto? What about all of the things that I've been thinking I want out of life? Do I really want those things.... or do I just like the idea of those things? Of course marriage is the biggest and baddest of all these to tackle so I'm going there first...you know I've never been one to back away from the tough stuff!!! I know I want to marry again....eventually...... right? Yeah, I think I do. For the most part. I know I do want companionship. I want someone to snuggle with, go one dates with, kiss passionately, tell me I'm pretty, laugh our butts off, go to the movies, Christmas shop with, travel with, try-to-fit-both-our-big-butts-in-a-littl-tub-together-because-it's-supposed-to-be-romantic-but-is-actually-just-a-comedy-routine kind of a partner. But does that mean marriage? Probably somewhere down the road. But honestly I think it's been the idea of it. Because when it comes down to it at this point in my life do I really want to pick up someones dirty clothes again? Listen to someone gripe? Leave the toilet seat up so that I fall an inch below the cold porcelain at 3 a.m.? Share my space? "But Honey, I don't want to put your tacky looking pinball machine in the corner of my pretty living room!"....or whatever issue it would be that day. lol Share my bed every single night? uggh I think you get my point. Right now anyways.... I think I'm going to order the nice, devoted, loyal, sexy, doting, affectionate, not afraid of public displays of affection, laid back boyfriend. Yeah. I think that will hit the spot!

11.02.2005

The break is over

Well my break time is over. All I want is to be my nice, happy-go-lucky self again!!! Good sense of humor, laughing.... not too much to ask for!! Well, I had a nice couple of days off but today God started by tapping me on the shoulder and then he allowed me to be punched in the gut. First of all let me say that I've been overwhelmingly reminded how fortunate I am. My daughter made it through. She didn't get pregnant, beat up, or physically maimed. Emotional trauma is bad. It's effects can last a lifetime. But anyone that knows my children knows how incredibly good God is. How merciful he was. How amazingly intact Courtney came through everything that happened. That isn't lost on me. I KNOW how lucky she is and I am.

Today I got a glimpse of where the main root of this depression and anger is that's been springing up for the last few months. For the last three years I have been just so grateful to have gotten out of that situation, my kids healthy, threw that bastard in prison... it was time to move on! He was to get NO MORE of my attention!!! I was naiive (what else is new) to think that it could be so easy.

Today I got a double-whammy. It started when Courtney came home from school. I could tell she was fighting back tears when she came in and she immediately walked in and said "mom, guess what. One of my friends at school was raped a few months ago by a family member and they just found out last night that she's pregnant with his baby. She JUST turned thirteen." My heart immediately cried out "oh my God". I grabbed Courtney and just held her. All I could get out to her was "this should remind us just how fortunate we are." That poor girl. Thirteen and pregnant with your rapist/family members baby! Her poor parents. This is one of those moments when the holy spirit has to make intercession for me because I can't come up with words. The tears stream because I am so utterly heartbroken for her, and for me, and for my daughter, and for every single other girl and boy who have fallen prey to pedophiles.... and all my soul can utter is "Oh my God...Oh my God".

So then I decided to watch Oprah...because I was hoping to lighten my mood a little. I saw that Ricky Martin was on today but I didn't hear why. I was just thinking yum-yum.... Ricky Martin!!! So I got through about five minutes of the show before I had to turn it off for a while. It was on child sex trafficking and child rape. I made it to the part where they were describing how the younger the girl, the more money they could earn for her. They were taking girls as young as five years old and enslaving them. After a man would pay to steal their virginity their tiny baby bodies would be so destroyed that they would have to be sewn up....and then they could sell them as a virgin all over again. oh my God. oh my God. oh my God. oh my God. oh my God.

Even as I'm writing this I have to keep stopping because I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I don't know what to do with myself. I am so mad! I am so absolutely infuriated that these defenseless little ones............MY DAUGHTER INCLUDED......... get preyed upon. Used for some greedy, self-centered bastards dirty needs. My heart is so broken I can't even speak. This is it. This is the root. I've found it. I can feel every single emotion that I've been getting a glimpse of bursting forth. I was pregnant with it and now I'm giving birth. It's had three years to grow.

I know I have to get it out but my first instinct is to shove it back in. I don't want to deal with it. It's overwhelming and powerful. Damn him!!!!! How could he betray me that way????? How could he hurt her that way???? Disgusting, selfish, inconsiderate, destructive bastard! Plenty of people hurt their spouses or other adults....that's bad enough. HOW CAN ANYONE PURPOSEFULLY, WILLFULLY, MALICIOUSLY HURT A BABY?!?!?!?!?! And she was a baby! Eight years old is when it started. A baby. I swore when I first found out that I would let God and the courts handle it and I did. Anyone that physically tried or wanted to harm him...I talked them out of it. Vengeance isn't mine.... unfortunately. But today I think I'm feeling exactly what they were feeling that night. That cold winters night that we found out and they were scouring the streets searching for him. The searing pain that they were feeling overriding any sense of rational thought they could have. Today I'm feeling it too. I'm telling you, it's a good thing for him that he's locked up safe in a prison because tonight I think I could do him harm. This goes back to the other day when I was talking about how given the right set of circumstances I think anyone could do anything. From day one I never wished harm on him. I wished punishment and humiliation.... but I knew that physical harm wasn't the answer. Well I'm feeling it today and it's scary to me. These are feelings totally foreign to me. I know that I need to go through this grieving process in order to heal properly so that I can move on and have the amazing life that I know is in store for me... but the strength and power of this is really frightening. Frightening but necessary. I put his prison photo on here I found online.... doesn't he look HORRIBLE??? He looks horrible and miserable... good. That's a start!

I don't know how to deal with the feelings, but God does. Just getting them down and venting them has already helped I can tell. I'm feeling lighter and have more peace already. I know I'm only just beginning, but the only way to get through something is to go through it right? I can't believe I thought I was done with this! lol Recognition is half the battle. So let's do it... I have on my armor.

Lord please help me.

Psalm 34:17-18 "The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. "

11.01.2005

Just breathe

It's been two days now and still nothing. Let me think again..... nope, still nothing. Nothing biting at my conscience, nothing brooding in my soul, no pressing issues I've gotta get out in this blog.... nothing. Is it possible that God is letting me "be still" for a while? It's awesome! After day-in and day-out dealing with such intense emtions lately to have a few days off is amazing. Watching Oprah yesterday though, I've already been told what the next subjects to think about are. Who are the ones in my life that have been toxic and done the most damage? And even bigger and badder than that..... Who am I? Not what am I.... but WHO am I? Those are gonna take some thought. I think one of the reasons that I've been so hard on myself is because.... when am I gonna learn??? There are no "do-over"s in this life.... only new situations we're put in that are essentially the same as the old ones and we are tested to see if we will do better or do the right thing this time around. That's as close to a do-over as the Lord allows us. So when am I gonna start passing my tests??? I graduated from nursing school for crying out loud!!!!! Do you know how hard that is??? I can save people's lives but I still can't tell the difference between a storm cloud and one with a silver lining until I'm standing underneath of it getting rained on then trying to figure out where the rain came from. Everytime I think that I'm so much smarter, so much wiser... that will never happen to me again!!! Yeah right! I pull a Britney Spears and end up singing "Oops I did it again!!!" And you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, I really have gotten better at spotting those wolves in sheeps clothing. The problem is that I still have a problem with trusting my gut and listening to the voice telling me that I'm looking at trouble. What does that stem from? Am I afraid of rejection? Am I afraid of hurting people's feelings? Am I afraid that I'm being judgemental? Probably all of the above in one way or another. But I've been working on it. Actually, I think I did pass a test recently. I'll probably never know for sure. But there was a guy at work (another cop, OF COURSE....) and I felt the alarm bells going off inside of me. So I didn't give him a second thought. Even after he came to the floor looking for me, called me, etc. Nope, no good, I can tell.... so I steered clear of that mess. Now how do I know if I was being overly cautious and totally missed out on an awesome guy? Unfortunately I will never know. Maybe he was my night in shining armor and I knocked him off of his horse! All I know is that somethings gotta change. If you want different results, you've gotta stop using the same old recipe. And the recipe I've been using is no good.... leads to heart break every time. I need to learn to see abusers (in whatever form they are coming in) from a mile away. Not all abusers are physical abusers or verbal abusers. Some don't do it on purpose, they're just wounded and broken right now themselves. They are just someone who are going to damage you. They're fighting so many inner demons that you're going to end up with battle wounds too. Maybe they're cheaters (and there's more than just sexual cheating). Maybe they're controllers. Maybe they're liars. In whatever form they're in... I need to be able to spot them. AND I NEED TO BE WILLING TO WALK AWAY AS SOON AS I SPOT THEM, because I really do spot them alot of the time and just talk myself out of my alarm bells because I think I'm just overreacting. I need to start applying all of the old cliches to my life... if there's smoke , there's fire. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck.... it's a duck. And if it's the most charming, flattering, casinova-type guy you've ever seen .......... RUN FORREST RUN!!!!!!! That is trouble in it's purest form and you can be sure there's not going to be ANY hit-and-miss with that.....it's going to be pain every single time! One thing Pastor taught me before he died was that there's a true difference between praise and flattery. Praise is earned and deserved. It's from someone who's had a chance to know you and is complimenting you on things that you honestly deserve. Flattery is just mouth-service. From someone you know or don't know at all.... it's compliments and just a bunch of talk. You can always tell who's alarm bells are working correctly by watching people respond to flattery. There are usually two reactions. People who are ignoring their alarms and when they hear flattery....they get flattered. They smile, they blush, maybe a little embarrassed... but they get sucked in like a vortex! Then there are those that when someone is trying to lay it on thick tend to roll their eyes and say "Dude, whatever!!! O.k. Rico-suave.... keep moving!" LOL
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