10.30.2005

Daddy's little girl

Megan, I'm sure you know the story of me & my "dad". If not, I'll give it to you in a nutshell.

He was a not-so-great guy. Drug and alcohol abuser. My mom divorced him when I was three. He would never show up for visitation when he was supposed to. When he did take me to visit I would spend the whole time watching him and his friends getting high. He was belligerent and obnoxious most of the time. But yet I kept hanging on. I craved the relationship that only a father can give his little girl. But when I was 16 there was an episode where he became over-the-top nasty and verbally abusive towards me. He said things to me that made me tell him that he might as well scratch my name out of his brain because he would never see me again. And he didn't. At least not until I was about 28 and I found out that he had done so many drugs that he had a stroke and was in a nursing home paralyzed and could hardly speak. The only word they could make out was my name. He kept begging to see me. So through my aunt I worked out the details of going to see him. I made sure that it was clear to him that if he even thought about saying anything rude, crude or hurtful to me or my children that it would be the last time he ever saw me. I was so afraid that getting close to him would hurt me. Again. Well, I went. He was wonderful. It was heartwrenching to see him so broken, but we made peace. After that I was ok with him. I even entertained the thought of trying to get close to him at times.

What actually happened, though, is that I realized I no longer had all of that anger in my heart towards him. I figured out that he just didn't know how to be a better dad. He didn't have the resources when he was little. When you know better you do better, and unfortunately it was too late for him. He could barely speak, couldn't move. I learned a big lesson from that. I began to honor him in my heart as my father and release him from his debt to me. I didn't want to be a debt collector anymore. I wasn't going to make him pay by punishing him with my resentment or anger. I forgave his debt and released him. Releasing him, though, didn't necessarily mean allowing him back into my life on a regular full-time basis. I had been happy without him there. I had a step-dad that loved me and had treated me like his own. He was the only grandfather my kids ever knew. He was the one who walked me down the aisle at my wedding.... not my real dad. I realized... big time... that family is who you choose. DNA is a biological fact, not a relationship.

Staying away from him (not hating him or being bitter, just releasing myself of the responsibility I felt to have a relationship with him and accepting relationships from the people who actually wanted to be there) was actually the best thing I ever could've done for myself. I certainly wouldn't even be a shadow of who I am today. I doubt that I would be a Christian. I know I probably wouldn't know any of you. The legacy of that dysfunction had to stop, and I decided that was one tradition I refused to pass on to my children.

My Dad died two months ago at the too-young age of 57. Parts of me still ache so bad for the loss of the relationship that was my birthright. But it was so much better to not have any relationship at all than to have a wounded, dysfunctional one. I mourned for him so much harder than I ever thought I would. It's really hard to explain, but for the first time in my life I could get even the slightest glimpse of what it would've been like to have a "normal" relationship with him. People that didn't know him or our story would call me or come up to me and say "I heard about your Dad and I am so sorry." or "I saw your Dad in the paper... how are you holding up. I've lost my Dad too." On and on. They didn't know we weren't close. They didn't know the wounds he had caused. They just knew that a little girl had lost her daddy and they wanted to mourn with me, and for the first time in my life I didn't have to explain. I always got the questions... "why don't you have a dad?", "wow your dads bad", etc. I was in a nearly constant state of embarrassment about my relationship with him and for the first time in my life.... I didn't have to be anymore. People didn't know the ugliness behind the obituary and they simply mourned with me. They allowed me to mourn. Without conditions or excuses. Without making me feel like I didn't have as much right to mourn because after all I wasn't all that close to him anymore. As I looked at him laying in the casket I felt so many things. My heart broke. I wept. But it also made sense to me. He was just a broken little boy. That day I saw him in the nursing home and could see the love in his eyes towards me showed me that he did truly love me.... he just didn't know how to love me. He didn't know how to be a good dad and he didn't (when I was growing up) have the resources to know how to change.

Before Pastor Hughes died he went to the nursing home to visit my Dad. Because of the stroke he could barely speak, but they were able to have a conversation about my dads salvation. He shared how he had come to know Christ in the nursing home and I know that the new light I had seen in his eyes when I visited was because of that. Only Jesus gives that light.... if you're a Christian you know exactly what I'm talking about.

So my point is this.... Don't hate your real dad... honor him, forgive him, release him. That does not in any way mean that you need to have a place for him in your daily life. It really is better to have no biological father in your life than to have an unhealthy relationship with one. Not only for you, but for your husband and your children. Accept as gifts the men that God has placed in your life that actually have a desire to be there. Men who have taken you in as their own and treated you well. And be good stewards of those gifts too.

Beauty for ashes

Today I'm writing about things that only those closest to me (and only some of those people) know about. I'm not ready or willing to share all of the details just yet. Those are mine... for now anyways. As anyone who knows me can tell you... I'm pretty much an open book. There isn't much that I won't put out there for the world to see... and judge. Self-exploration, clearing my head, and getting rid of the "junk" is much more important to me than the holier-than-thou remarks and down-the-nose glares I might get from people. You know what people? I'm human! Just like you. And you. And you. I've committed sins that make me want to hang my head in shame. And you've committed yours. Let me tell you... there's gonna be no floating into heaven gracefully for me.... I'm going to be tripping in! Skinned knees from crawling through the battlefield. Out of breath, dirty tear-stained face, falling in the gates. So let me just say that my not wanting to share all of the details yet is merely because I need to process them a bit, and my rambling here is my way of doing that.

How could I have been so disposable to him? Echoes of Luther Vandross singing "Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby?" go wafting through my head. He picked me, lured me in, convinced me to trust him, made me fall in love with him. He is my walking reason for wellbutrin. How could he have lied like that? I'd rather die than hurt someone like that. At least that's what I usually say. And I usually really mean it. But this time I did hurt someone like that. I hurt him back. In the process I hurt her. Now that I knew there still was a "her". How could there still be a "her"???? unfuckingbelievable. YES I CUSSED... this is my place for honesty and emptying my brain... deal with it! So I got him back. She knows everything. I was hurtful... and I'm never hurtful. I was selfish... and I'm not a selfish person. I lied.... and I'm not a liar. I pride myself on my honesty and the fact that I would never hurt someone I love. But that's just it isn't it? I PRIDE myself.... It's usually where you hold yourself in high esteem that you get tested the hardest... and usually fail the test. Yet again I was put in a position I just knew I'd never be in because I would never do "that" (whatever "that" was at that particular time.... there's been alot of "that's" trust me)!!! The older I become the firmer I believe that given the right set of circumstances there is nothing that any person on this earth wouldn't do. From the moment that my ten year old lay on the exam table in the e.r. after I found out she had been raped for two years by her step-dad... a man that I chose to let into their lives....and they drew pregnancy tests on her and my very first thought before it passed through my "filters" was... if it's positive should I get her an abortion? She's ten for God's sake!!! I was always a walking poster-child for "prolife" and I still am prolife. At least I know I want to be when it comes down to it. I want to think that's what I would choose. I want to think that ugly thoughts would never enter my mind. But I'm not that naiive... or pious anymore. I can't say that I didn't think it. I can't say that I haven't done alot of things now. Wish I could. I can't. So now I'm left to deal with that reality. What do you do when you let yourself down so bad that you have to sit and examine every single thing that you thought that you knew about yourself? Most of the things that I knew that I knew that I knew.... what now? Right now I am pretty broken. I'm getting better. I am. God is faithful to heal. He loves me. I do still know that...that's the only thing that I've never doubted. As a matter of fact I know that he is crazy about me. I have never been, am not now, and will never be disposable to him. And he is faithful to heal. The healing isn't for me to do... I'm not able... especially right now. I made the mess... he's going to clean it up... how unfair is that???.... but how grateful am I? It can't even register in my brain. I had been so hurt that I struck back.... anyone that knows me KNOWS that really isn't me!!! I'm a live and let live kind of girl...I'd much rather give people the benefit of the doubt than strike back... usually to a fault. But I did. And that's what I feel so bad about. I'm downright punishing myself even though I know I shouldn't and I don't need to and all the things that I keep telling myself. I struck back and hurt someone! Wow, that's a jagged pill to swallow. Most people won't get it, I know. Most people say... GOOD! You should've done what you did. But no I shouldn't have. I'd much rather risk being looked at as naiive or "weak" for walking away than being untrue myself and God and feeling the way I do right now. If he did wrong to me.... that speaks to his character, not mine. But now it speaks to both of our characters. I know I've gotta forgive myself... God's already forgiven me... why can't I forgive myself? I can't live under condemnation. I have to get to the forgiving myself point eventually... but for right now I'm sitting here in my big pile of ashes waiting for Him to exchange them for beauty.

10.29.2005

Brave or crazy?

I had received a comment on my post "Depression" and so while I was there reading the comment I read over the post again. Having been on the antidepressants for several weeks now even I have almost forgotten how bad it was. It's someplace I'm afraid to go back to... ever.

So here's the dilemma. The Wellbutrin I was on was even worse than the depression! If there was a side effect, I had it. It made me manic (no I'm not bipolar, but I now know what it feels like to be a bit manic!). If I ellaborated you would think I was psychotic! That went away after about a week or so but the physical symptoms have not. I was laying here one night just hanging on by my finger nails thinking, "I don't think I can live like this for even one more day.... it's going to kill me... literally." So here comes the really stupid part. I'm either really brave or really crazy. I figured "hey, since I'm feeling better emotionally... maybe I don't really need the meds right?" So I started tapering myself off. I know, I know, I know! But this is my logic... my next Dr's appointment isn't till next month. I'll go off of the medicine. I'll either feel better, or I'll get depressed again and when I go to the Dr. I can get a different kind of med that I don't respond so horribly to. Ok, so here I go! I tapered down for a week or so and now I've been off for a couple of days. I'm having some withdrawl problems.... feels like the flu. I hurt EVERYWHERE. My head hurts, I'm nauseous, etc. But other than that so far, so good. I'm praying so hard. I really don't want to go back on any meds.... I HATE medicine. Isn't is funny for a nurse to hate meds so bad? But I do. They're great for other people and even for me when I need them. But I'm always the one the doctor gets frustrated about because if it has bad side effects or if I feel I don't need it anymore.... I'm not taking it. Nurses are the worst for being compliant! lol So my point here is... please pray for me! Keep your eyes on me. Thanks friends! I get to go to work tonight! woohoo! :) It's the time change tonight which means I get to work 13 1/2 hours....woohoo again! LOL

10.28.2005

In God we trust, all others we virus scan

Man what a day!!!! It's been a major battle and I fought a good fight.... and it looks like I saved my computer!!! YEEHAW! LOL It's been just about a 24 hour system restore battle and I'm finally praying that I won.... fingers are crossed and I'm saying my prayers.

Other than that, my day was pretty uneventful (which can be AWESOME! lol). The kids' Halloween dance was tonight so that was the major them of the day. Computers and costumes... what a life. Courtney went as Napoleon Dynamite and Darren went as Pimp Daddy D. LOL He had a red velvet suit on with a big pimp hat and all the "bling" you can think of... so funny! Courtney looked hillarious!!! She does the best Napoleon impersonation of anyone I've ever seen. I went to goodwill and bought her a 70's brown polyester suit and tie and I got her a curly wig that we parted on the side and combed over. Got her some glasses like his. TOO FUNNY. I'm so grateful that I have such great kids. I always squeeze Amelia's face and say "how do you suppose out of all the kids in the whole world that I got the four best ones????" and she smiles and says "Cause Jesus picked us for you!!!" How cute is she??? She's being a hula girl (a very appropriate costume for freezing northern Ohio halloweens I know. lol) and Maddie's being a geisha.

You know what, it feels pretty good to be posting on a whole lot of nothing today! I've been going through so much lately and so much is still a work in progress that to have seen a problem start and then 24 hours later see victory and know (i mean hope) that it's resolved is a great feeling. It was actually a good distraction too. Today the computer had all the problems and the kids had all the excitement. I had to handle both... but it gave my brain plenty of time to just "be still".

10.27.2005

Crashes aka Valleys

I love my computer. I do. I make sure to spend lots of quality time with it. I buy it fancy new gifts/software. It's one of my absolute favorite things. Through it I keep in touch with everyone I love, I pay my bills, see what's happening in the world, etc. I have a real relationship with my computer (pathetic I know....but I also know that I'm not the only one out there!!!! haha), and every once in a while I realize that a relationship with a computer is pretty much just like relationships in our lives..... sometimes things go wrong!

My beloved computer has been distancing itself from me over the past week. I'm not sure what I did to it. I don't remember doing anything specifically wrong to hurt it's feelings, and do you think it will open up and tell me what the problem is???? Of course not! HELLO??? I AM NOT MISS CLEO!!! I CANNOT READ YOUR MIND!!!! LOL It's been cold and distant... as a matter of fact sometimes it plain old freezes up and gives me the silent treatment! Then tonight it happened.... it crashed. None of my normal programs will open, it's rebooted on it's own about 25 times today, I've tried to system restore it to an earlier date with no success. Is it really over???? No! I don't want it to be over! I've walked away from computers in the past and moved on to find new ones. Fancier, prettier ones with more bells and whistles.... but somehow I'm not ready to walk away from this! I'm going to fight for this relationship! I've actually found a browser I didn't even know that I had on here (MSN explorer? I actually kind of like it... who knew?) and came on to post this, check my email and declare my love for catsally (yes, that's it's name....long story LOL)!!! Since we never go to bed angry I'm probably going to be up half the night totally restoring my computer.

Isn't funny how crashes can be so much like the valleys in life that we find ourselves going through sometimes? LOL You think you're chugging along just fine, minding your own business when...WHAM!!! Out of nowhere something knocks you off your feet. You're left wondering if you did something wrong, if you could have prevented it, and God knows we are scrambling to try and get through it as fast as possible. No one likes to be inconvenienced! But you know what.... it happens to everyone. I'm nothing special here. There's nobody rushing during "rush hour"! Everybody is sitting there, frustrated and wishing that they could find a faster and easier way to get through the garbage they have to get through. Sometimes there is no easy way. Whether we brought it on ourselves or it's just life, sometimes you just have to sit back and gracefully let the process happen. Graceful...yep, that's what I want to be. I don't want to be so noisy inside all of the time. It's time to be still, just like He commands us. I guess this is how he's getting my attention huh? On second thought, maybe it's time to go to bed....I'll restore the system another time.

10.26.2005

Hey Soapie, part two

This started out as a response to a comment on my blog but was way too long. LOL So I figured that maybe I wasn't done here! :)

Hey Soapie... how about me ditching your friend (... but he didn't like me either!! lol) at Cedar Point to hang out with Ross all day (whom I ADORE by the way, and he ended up taking me to my senior homecoming dace lol), the stupid airplanes that never stopped flying over your stupid apartment!, "Dude! forget lookin at chicks...you couldn't catch a duck!", "There's aaaaalways [the evil one]..." (ewwwww! lol), being the maid of honor in my wedding and making me change all the colors because you didn't like the way your dress fit and you wanted to wear another one LOL, RUSTY (enough said about that one!!!!), your "april tree" because you didn't feel like taking your Christmas tree down LOL, FRED, David and the Giants, WZLE, holding our tape recorder up to the speaker of the stereo and pausing/unpausing so we could record our favorite songs, passing notes in church, getting busted passing notes in church, Veronica and John 4ever, Veronica and Hank 4ever, Veronica and Keith 4ever, Veronica and Dale 4ever, Veronica and Randy 4ever hahaha, BRACES, me walking around Sea World with only one shoe all day because one of the boys stole the other one, "Jeff from the thumb of Michigan" (do you remember him? Cedar Point...worked the log ride... let us stay on and ride forever), you throwing me my one and only sweet sixteen party, me worried sick about you because your mom was in a car accident and you hit your head on the hatchback and kept passing out in the shower, your parents divorce, you moving all the way to Brookpark , being my maid of honor even though you didn't really believe I was doing the right thing, you driving four hours just to be with me when I saw the evil one for the first time in court, getting flowers from you on my 30th birthday because I was alone and you missed me (still to this day the only flowers I've ever had delivered to me), Pastors funeral. What touches my heart is how deeply ingrained in my life you have been even when there has been a little distance and even when I try to start out with all of the funny thoughts of you it always progresses to the sweet and tear-provoking thoughts.

Through all of my posts in the last week I know that the prevailing theme has been friendship and it's only now that I see exactly what God's been doing in me this week. This is a full-circle moment for me right now because I can see that in order for me to start again, he is taking me back to where I began. I always thought we had rough childhoods, and we did. But as I sit here with tears rolling down my face my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest because I am so overwhelmed with love and gratitude. I can look back and see how the Lord used our beautiful foundation with HIM first and then he reached down and brought two young girls together and helped them build a beautiful foundation to base all of their future relationships on. Together we learned how to be women and we also learned how to be friends.... not just to each other but to everyone else that would come into our lives. We took two very different paths, but yet here we are... still learning from each other and growing together.

I can't speak for you but I know that I've gotten off-track at times over the last 20 years. Different experiences have polluted and perverted my ability to love and be vulnerable at times. Over the last three years though I can feel such a miraculous healing taking place in me, and over the last week it's like God is finally clueing me into what he's up to. He's taking me back to basics.

Hey Soapie remember this???


Allison is my oldest friend! We've shared so much together it's not even funny! Well, actually most of it is pretty funny looking back at it now! LOL We call each other "Soap".... don't ask! You won't understand anyways. This post is primarily for her..... I'm just gonna throw out some words, thoughts and phrases and see if they ring any bells. Feel free to add to the list Soapie!!! haha


John Algarin, "Round Up Sunday", I Love Lucy, My crush on Mr. Crabtree and yours on Wayne Spears (Mr. C. is still married & Wayne's rotting in prison... what's that say about us??? lol), exchangeable notebooks, "Allison Noel you get right back up there and wash that crap off of your face!!!!!", Ricky racoon and Terry bear, my green radio and pink phone, "BRAT!", Maziar Never-fart, SHUT UP MEGAN!!!!!!, belching"LUUUUUUUKCUUUUUUS", your mom pinching my butt! ('chicken butt!'), koolats and jean skirts, "Edy & Kevin 4-ever", layered and feathered hair, then.... curly perms, hot rollers and curling irons... i have 2 words for you: AQUA NET (ahhh the 80's!), "EWWWWWW!!! WHAT'S HE GONNA DO WITH THAT!?!?!?!?!" , but-ump-bump, and yes....I take full blame and responsibility for it and am here to publicly apologize to you my wonderful soapie-soap!!!! .... I kissed Wayne Spears in the basement of the Hearns house when we were babysitting on Valentines Day, 1987 when I knew that you were crazy in love with him!!!! Horrible, horrible, horrible thing to do!!! LOL And I admit that I didn't stop even after I heard you stomp over and turn on the vacuum cleaner because you used to clean when you were angry!!! LOL All I can say is... he walked to drug mart and bought me a can of aqua net for valentines day.... he had my heart!!! HAHAHA (at least for a couple of days till I totally dumped him cause I never wanted to hurt my Soap! Not to mention the fact that he was a HORRIBLE kisser!!!Short-thick-tongue going twenty miles a min inside of your mouth....no finesse whatsoever! lol).


All I can say is... what if I had never met you? I'm so grateful that I did friend!

10.25.2005

Lookin for love

Is it just me or when you're single does it seem like EVERYONE else is coupled up??? Couples are EVERYWHERE!!!!! Like invasion of the single snatchers! Where is everybody finding these mates?!?!?! ( I know a few of you are totally sympathetic to my situation! lol) I'm not good at being single. As a matter of fact I stink at it. I'm a relationship person at heart. I love being part of a partnership and having someone to call and say, "what do you want to do tonight?". I've been single now for three years and I still only sleep on my side of the bed. It's still a shock to me that I'm alone. Now don't get me wrong... sometimes I LOOOOOOVE being alone! lol Having four kids has taught me the absolute joy and importance of occasional solitude, but I've decided (I hope you agree Lord! lol) that it's time to find a boyfriend. Somehow I know that it's not going to be that easy though. Don't I wish it was! Step outside of my front door and announce to the world, "Okay listen up! I'm ready for a boyfriend now!", and then all of the proper candidates would line up single file and wait for me to pick the best one. YEAH RIGHT!!!! LOL

No, I have a feeling that not only is it not going to be that easy to find the "perfect one".... I'm afraid that once I find him I'm going to panic and somehow distance myself or sabotage things because of all my past baggage. How do you trust again??? I know that God is faithful to heal and has done a miraculous job of it so far. He has kept me soft where others would be hard and bitter. Praise God! But nonetheless I can feel that I've turned into a commitmentphobe...even if it's just slightly. I think it's because I'm so afraid to settle anymore. I mean I've been looking for Mr. Right since I was like fourteen.... where the heck is he???? When will looking for "the one" be done?

I want the full package! I want the qualities that I've so thoroughly listed in my prayers! lol And you know what? While I'm at it, I WANT PASSION!!! I'm tired of hearing about how "after you're together for a while passion dies...it's just the normal process." Bullcrap!!! Yeah I know, feelings and energy can ebb and flow, wax and wane, whatever! Blah, blah, blah! lol If you are living in a passionless, unaffectionate marriage it's only because one or both of you aren't putting the time and energy into keeping it alive. In the famous words of Carrie Bradshaw in the final episode of Sex and the City (CARRIE AND BIG FOREVER!!! LOL), "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." AMEN SISTER!!! Okay boys..... LINE UP!!!

10.23.2005

Praying for my patients

A strange thing happened at work last night.... I HAD A WONDERFUL, PEACEFUL NIGHT AT WORK!!! LOL I only had three patients (compared to the normal 7-10 that I would normally have), they all pretty much slept through the night, didn't ring their call bells too often, etc., etc., etc. I managed to get my new Cosmo read in its entirety too. But you know what the best thing that happened last night was? God gave me the time to get back to basics; gave me time to meditate on what's important. I had one gentleman who's heart rate dips way down when he sleeps. I know that is his norm and that he stays totally asymptomatic.... BUT..... (LOL) I was sitting there with enough time on my hands to consider all the possiblities of what could go wrong. And on top of that he was in a room that is famous for having things go wrong when I have it... it's my jynxed room if you will. So I was watching him close, close, close. The thing is I also had enough time on my hands to sit there quiet enough that I could hear that still small voice that tends to get drowned out alot of the time. It reminded me that perhaps instead of just worrying about what can go wrong and interventions that could help to fix it..... perhaps I should just pray for my patient. Now don't get me wrong... I pray for my patients here and there, but mostly selfish prayers if I'm being honest. "Lord please let me have a good night at work tonight....please let them all be good!"lol But in the quiet of last night I sat in the nurses station and prayed for my patient, the man, the human, the soul and his heart. God has really been speaking to me about Psalm 46:10 where he commanded us to be still. "Be still, and know that I am God". Stop worrying, fretting, being anxious. Stop running to the phone instead of the throne. Stop trying to fix it by ourselves and of our own power. Sometimes we need to just get back to basics..... prayer and being still. By the way... my patient slept like a baby and woke up this morning feeling "just fine".

10.22.2005

Depression

I was reading over my all the past entries in this blog and one thing I've noticed is that as the days go on... the entries get longer and longer. You can almost see my progress and how much better I'm feeling. I'm more willing to talk, be social...just care about life. I've been waging a spiritual battle against depression lately. I have to say.... the other side almost won a couple of times. I've gone through a couple of depressed times in the last decade or so.... but not like this. This was rock-bottom, everything's black, snapping-at-everyone, hateful, angry, lonely, don't want to talk to anybody, could care less about you me or them, can't fall any further down depression. As is typical with me....only those closest to me knew about it because I'm pretty adept at hiding whatever I'm going through. I just put on my game face and get to work. But when the spotlight was off... so was the smile. Those closest to me actually noticed it first. I couldn't sneak it past them. My poor kids...yikes....I can only imagine how horrible I've been to live with! My friends were noticing that I hadn't been calling very often. For the first time in my life I've actually been letting calls go to voicemail...something I've NEVER done. I'm always on the phone...checking on people, talking for hours. My friends all know that they can call me anytime....day or night...at least until I started turning off my ringer most of the time because I just didn't want to be bothered. I wish I could've seen myself with eyes other than my own. I always thought I was hiding it rather well (at first I didn't even recognize anything wrong with myself though) but from what I've been told plenty of people noticed something was wrong. They said the "light" was gone from my eyes, I was more antisocial, my joy seemed to be totally gone... all the polar opposite from what I normally am.

So what happened? Well, the details are for me and the Lord for right now... but suffice it to say that I haven't been as close to the Lord as I should've been. I've been blatantly disobedient in alot of areas... and I guess the wages of sin are death. Not necessarily physically but emotional, spiritual, fellowship, joy.... all of those things suffer. The light in my eyes that everyone always saw was never me.... it was Jesus. The joy that they saw was never me... it was Jesus. Every good thing that people say drew them to me....was never me... it was Jesus. So when I step away from him all I'm gonna be left with is me... rotten old me. I'm sure the death of my Dad didn't help any either. It's funny how when this happens we usually don't even notice it sneaking up on us. In the movie Prozac Nation she describes depression as coming on really gradually then all of a sudden. That's so true. It will creep up closer and closer and then all of a sudden it snatches you and drags you down. Well sneak up it did and down I went.

Luckily for me I have a few friends that love me enough to not just let me go. They didn't just stand back and scratch their heads and shrug their shoulders when they noticed I was missing in action. Trust me... there were some that did exactly that.... but I thank God for the ones that didn't. They were the crowbar that the Lord used to pry me out of my situation. One in particular had a bit of an "intervention" and drug me out of my hole kicking and screaming and took me to lunch and said "what is wrong with you??? Where did you go???? If you don't go to the doctor... I'm calling him for you and driving you myself!!!" God bless him. I mean it. God bless him. This is a person who has so much of his own stuff going on...family life, working a ton of overtime, battling cancer for goodness sake!!!! But yet he let his eyes and his heart extend further than himself and his own situations to me. I'm not someone who asks for help very often. I'm uncomfortable with it...never want to bother anyone, but I will if I really need something. But sometimes in life we find ourselves in situations where the undertoe grabs us and drags us under before we can scream for help. It takes someone who has their eyes on you to notice that all of a sudden you're gone. You've slipped under the waves and struggling and your screams are muffled. Sometimes no matter how strong we normally are we need another pair of hands to help us stand up. That's one of the downsides of being someone that others view as "strong"... they think you never need help.... but even the strongest warrior is a child.

So after my "intervention" I went to see my doctor and got on some antidepressants.... back off Tom Cruise!!! lol It's been about three weeks now and slowly I can feel the clouds lifting. I notice that I'm laughing more often, I even caught myself flirting with someone the other day! :) Now you know it was bad if Veronica isn't flirting with someone!!! haha

Old love means never having to explain

It's really great to meet new people...and I've met some really awesome ones lately. But the last couple of days I've been doing some catching up with my old favorites and it has reminded me just how absolutely sweet it is to have old friends in my life. You know what I mean? The people that you can just sort of slip on like a favorite old sweater or a favorite pair of old sweat pants. They know your history and you know theirs. They know your stories, quirks, issues, and all of the little nuances of your life and heart. You can just pick up where you left off. There's no explaining to them, no having to reveal and rehash all of your history and old garbage.... they already know it all. They've been through the battles with you and are still there holding your face in their hands and smiling at you on the other side of the valley you just came through. Man that's awesome! God has given me the best of the best....Allison, Greg, Chelli, Joleen, Kristin, Don, Maribel....I LOVE YOU GUYS! You've listened to me babble on about boys, roll your eyes at me when I'm being stupid, held my hands when they were shaking, and cried with me when the waves of devastation seemed as if they were going to swallow my spirit. You've celebrated with me, rejoiced and praised with me, been way too naughty for our own good at times, and you have all at one time or another been Gods voice to me reminding me that I'm not all that bad or that it's all going to work out and be alright. I honor each of you....you've changed who I am by your presence in my life.

So while meeting new people is a wonderful thing.... old love means never having to explain.

10.19.2005

Friends (old & new)

Can you believe Wednesday is already over? This week is flying by! Today started off awesome. I got to go to brunch with an old friend. We sat there for probably 2 1/2 hours. Then I got to talk to a new friend this afternoon....I'm pretty intrigued with him. He's interesting. Tonight was church. I'm at a brand new church. I've only been there probably two months. I can't make it on Sunday mornings because of work but I've tried to always go Wed. nights. I have to say...the ladies that I've met in this Bible study class are awesome. I am really happy there and learn so much from them every week. What's funny is that this is a marriage class. LOL I ended up there by accident...the name of the class was "Dreams and Demands"...sounded interesting so I thought I'd give it a try. So I'm sitting there, pay for my workbook and see that it says "The Intimate Marriage". CAN YOU IMAGINE THE LOOK ON MY FACE? hahaha I tried to tell them that I was in the wrong class but they wouldn't hear of it...they said that anyone could use this class, especially if they EVER planned on getting married again. You know what, they were right. God is using this to definitely heal alot of areas in my life and spirit. I still have so far to go! But God is faithful to heal and he certainly sent me an amazing bunch of girls to help me out with it. That's what makes (and always has made) this world go round....women helping women...and I am so blessed to have the friends in my life that I do. It seems that a different person is sent into your life at just the right time for a specific need. Some people move in and out of your life with such amazing timing...you know there can't be a coincidence. Some are to laugh with, some to cry with. Some to lift you up spiritually and some to give you some reality when you need it. There are some friends that are the reliable ones in your life and then others that you're the reliable one in their lives. And some friends...well, you do all kinds of things that are no good for either of you! It's that guilty-pleasure friend.... you kind of bring out the naughty in each other and know that to do better you should probably not hang out there often. At least I have a few of those. I'm sure I'm not the only one! lol But whatever their role in your life, each and every one serves their purpose when they are supposed to serve it. What kind of a friend am I to them? Am I being a good steward of the gift of their friendship? Am I an encourager? Am I being a good prayer warrior? Have I let them know recently enough that if the sky should fall on our heads that I love them and I'm grateful for the role that they have played in the drama of my life? I really hope I'm not their naughty friend that they need to stay away from! My love is a moving thing...like the ocean. And it crashes differently on every shore. I heard it described that way in a movie once and it is so true.

10.18.2005

Murphy's law

Man, I am a walking picture of Murphy's Law lately! I've been joking that I'm like a cosmic flystrip just hanging in the universe and all the drama and crap that flies by just gets stuck to me. LOL My friend Carl calls me a "freak-beacon"....in a loving way of course. ;) If there's something wrong at work...it's gonna involve me somehow, even if I had nothing to do with it. Relationship? Done with. Finances right now? Don't ask. Family drama....check! I'm feeling beat up! OK LORD...I'M LISTENING! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING RIGHT NOW??? LETS GET THE LEARNING DONE AND OVER WITH SO WE CAN MOVE PAST THIS!!! I don't mean to whine so much.... overall my life is pretty sweet. But it's a darn good thing I have a good sense of humor because it's almost laughable the way the pressure seems to be building up! Calgon take me away!!! LOL

10.16.2005

The little things

Time for that weekly "Ah...I get to crawl into bed finally!" moment. Haha Last night was an awesome night at work. Actually got some of a book read. Got to catch up with an old friend this morning. And now I get to crawl into bed and sleep on this great-sleeping-weather day. Life is sweet.....it's all about the little things!

10.08.2005

Fall

Got to come home from work early today...I LOVE IT! (although i'll be complaining when my check comes!) It's so nice when you get unexpected surprises like that. Other than that...not much new here. It's fall now and soooooo beautiful. I love the fall. The crisp, clean air. The romantic yet melancholy color of the sky. I actually had to wear a scarf today. It was downright chilly but I adore it...this is when I feel most alive. Most introspective. I get the most done. I guess I'm kind of like a squirrel just trying to get everything done before winter so I can hibernate and not go out into that crappy evil snow! LOL
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